


The Light He Lost

by Krassy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Force-Sensitive Reader, Light Side reader, Protective Ben Solo, Protective Kylo Ren, Reader wants to save Ben Solo, Reader was one of Luke's apprentices, Reader-Insert, Slow-ish burn, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Force Ships It, The Knights have personalities, The Reader is Strong with the Force, possible Force-Dyad, so a definite Force-Dyad, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25432213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krassy/pseuds/Krassy
Summary: You were a Padawan alongside Ben Solo, training with him in the Light and sneaking with him in the night. That fateful night the Temple had burned, you were off planet at Luke's bequest. Returning to find your fellow apprentices dead, and the Temple in ruins, the last thing you wanted to hear from your Master was that Ben was dead, that the Dark Side had risen, and that you needed to hide. For months, you did as Luke told you, hearing the stories of the Jedi Killer. For five years you wait, hiding in the forests of a planet in the Duluur Sector.Visions of the madman in the mask plague you for years, but the Force keeps you from the knowledge that this is who Ben Solo had become. Across the galaxy, Kylo Ren tasks his Knights to find the girl he knew. Little does he know, the Force has been preparing you to face the man he has become. . .
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 65
Kudos: 154





	1. Prologue

The room was burning around him--flames licking the bodies of the fallen Praetorian Guards. His master--his _tormentor_ lay pathetically beneath the throne, sliced in two and void of the Force. There was no anguish in his features, or in his heart, for Snoke’s death. It had been long overdue, and part of him was grateful that he had been the one to do it.

Kylo Ren’s fingers twitched, and the orange-haired man across the room clawed at his throat once more.

"The Supreme Leader-- _is dead,_ " seethed Ren, blinking the sweat from his eyes.

His grip lightened only briefly, hearing the desperate need to _please_ in the man’s mind.

"Long live the Supreme Leader," gasped Hux.

Sated for now, Ren dropped the insolent general from his Force grasp. Hux fell to his knees, gasping and sputtering and holding his hand to his throat.

 _Pathetic,_ thought Ren.

"Get up," he snapped. "Remove all personnel from this ship and have it scraped. I want all crew and droids on the _Subjugator_ or _Steadfast_ in one cycle or it will be _your_ head, General."

Flickers of disgust over scraping the _Supremacy_ flickered through Hux’s mind, but he had enough intellect to get to his feet and nod firmly.

"Yes. . . Supreme Leader."

Ren narrowed his eyes, his hand flinching again. Deciding it wasn’t worth his time to kill Hux and inform someone else, Ren began to storm from the throne room 

"Ren! Where are you--"

"To my Knights. Do as I’ve said."

Red filtered into Ren’s vision as he stormed through the halls. Stormtroopers and various other personnel leapt out of the way as he made his way to the hangar. Their anxiety washed over Ren’s own nerves in waves, making him grind his teeth. His heart was pounding against his ribs, and for a flicker of a moment, Ren felt as if the offending organ would burst from his chest. 

_Would that not be easier?_ he thought bitterly.

The closer he got to the hangar, the busier the space became.

"Ready my ship!" he barked, and two engineers hastened to follow his command.

 _Finally._ Finally he was storming into his TIE Silencer. He meddled with the controls and the TIE hummed to life, vibrating gently beneath him. The Stormtroopers between his ship and the expanse of space sprinted for cover as the black machine lifted. Ren zipped out of the _Supremacy_ for the last time and maneuvered out of the First Order’s clustered ships.

A flick of the gears, and he vanished into hyperspace. _Finally,_ he thought again, but he quickly shook his head. He still had work to do. He couldn’t celebrate his rise to Supreme Leader until his work was complete. 

_Maybe for a moment. . ._

Setting the auto-pilot for his Knight’s location, Ren ran a shaky hand through his hair. . . and screamed.

Sheer fury burst from his lips, his hands tightening on his knees to avoid breaking the ship’s controls. He would relish the bruises he gave himself later. Would prod them until they ached. Hatred slipped from his pores as he shook, the scream finally catching in his throat. For a moment, Ren watched as the blue lines zipped beyond his viewport. He managed to compose himself. To replace the shield on his features. . .

Everything had been so very nearly destroyed. _Everything_ he had worked for, his _purpose_ in this galaxy, had nearly been wiped out. Gritting his teeth, Ren cursed Snoke’s memory.

 _Let the past die._ . .

The hyperdrive beeped at him, and a flick of the controls put the ship back under Ren's command. He came out of hyperspace, flew for another twenty three minutes, and maneuvered to the barren space on the outskirts of Batuu’s central operation. The _Night Buzzard_ was waiting for him, perched alongside a stretch of forest. He could make out the six distinct figures of his Knights, waiting for him with their heads raised towards his ship. 

Ren set the TIE down in the otherwise-empty field and disembarked. Schooling his features once more, he stomped forward. 

The Knights of Ren took a knee the moment he had set foot on Batuuian soil. Their heads bowed, they waited. Waited for their Master’s orders. Waited for him to send them off to kill something. . . 

They had felt Ren’s anger as he killed Snoke and the Praetorian Guards. They had felt it cross the galaxy as he came to join them. Their jealousy at not being part of the fight had lasted only a moment. If Master Ren had wanted them there, he would have called for them.

A flicker of his thoughts and the Knights were on their feet. Ren remained silent for several more minutes, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. Time was of the essence, he reminded himself harshly.

When he spoke, it was simple. It was something the Knights had been waiting for since Ren first became their master. When he spoke, the effect was instantaneous. 

_"Find her."_


	2. Devaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet the Reader and see the Knights come to the Duluur Sector.

You jolted awake, your heart pounding painfully in your chest as the screaming in your head fell silent. Taking several deep breaths from your sternum to calm yourself, you pushed yourself up to sit and ran your fingers through your hair.

_Soon_

The feeling swelled around you, causing a chill that was unusual in the temperate climate of Devaron.

_Soon_

“I know,” you whispered back to the Force.

Despite the severity of the feeling, you could not bring yourself to worry. For six years you had been waiting, five of which had been spent on Devaron, in the Duluur Sector. It was inconspicuous and relatively off the map, but it was not particularly strong with the Force. As desperate as you had been that first year to _hide_ _—_ to hide from the First Order— the Force had warned you against it. You were destined to face the infamous Jedi Killer; it was only a matter of time. You had to face the angry man in black. . . Visions of his temper, shrouded beneath a dark mask and executed with a bleeding saber, had haunted you for the past six years. No amount of meditation could keep him from your mind, but at least he never seemed to notice your Force presence lurking around him.

Instinctively, you knew that it had been Kylo Ren who had screamed into your mind across the cosmos. The undertone of a great expulsion in the Force had filtered into your dreams last night, but you couldn’t make out any of the players. _Ren,_ obviously, but what had caused him to react?

 _What does cause a Dark side-wielder to react?_ you pondered.

Sighing once more, you stood and crossed to the small refresher, washing your hair and taking your time to feel clean. If the Force was warning _Soon_ then this might very well be the last time you bathed, and you did so enjoy the feeling of water against your skin. Once you were clean, you braided your hair back and dressed in the outfit you had kept for this very day. A pure white inner tunic, a muted white outer tunic, an emerald green tabard, and muted white pants with brown, knee-high boots. 

_Soon_

“Yes, I know,” you whispered, standing once more.

You took in the ship that had been your home for the last five and a half years--not in a mournful way, but in thanks. It had sheltered you: kept you safe from the elements and the occasional scavenger. It had served you well; hopefully someone would come across it that could use it.

You slipped on your brown robe—the one that had once belonged to your late friend—and clipped your lightsaber to your belt. You took a canteen of water and finally pulled a leather-bound book from a makeshift shelf. Staring, you rubbed your finger over the cover gently, feeling the ridges beneath your skin, before you pocketed it and left your ship for the last time.

Part of you had been expecting that Kylo Ren would be waiting for you outside your ship, but you were greeted by nothing but the light from the sector’s sun. It filtered in gently through the tree canopies, making the early morning dew glisten. The native birds chirped contentedly at each other, bringing a smile to your face. You looked around you, committing Devaron further to memory, and then you sat cross-legged on the soft earth. You centered yourself, opening yourself up to the Force and letting it waft over you. Now that it was _Soon_ , you didn’t want to keep the Jedi Killer at bay.

 _Come and find me,_ you whispered into the void.

*~*

_They could feel her._

Master Ren had told them you were in the Duruul sector, but _which_ planet you resided on was something they would have to uncover themselves. As the _Night Buzzard_ came out of hyperspace, the Knights had done fly-bys of the planets. It was not until they buzzed by the rather insignificant planet of Devaron that they felt you. Kuruk immediately moved to enter the planet’s atmosphere, seeking you out as he did so. Landing on the other side of the planet would only delay Master Ren’s plan and aggravate his brothers.

“She isn’t hiding,” grumbled Ushar, pointing out the obvious to the others.

Despite the point, it was not what the Knights had been expecting. Master Ren had warned them that you were strong in the Force and that you would not come easily. That you were practically calling out to them gave the Knights pause. Were you ignorant of their presence, or laying a trap?

They triple-checked their weapons just to be safe. They would take the girl to Master Ren in one piece, but anyone who stood in their way would be put down without hesitation. Kuruk set down the _Buzzard_ in a clearing that was barely wide enough and snatched up his rifle. He would cover his brothers from the tree line, _just in case._ . .

The six Knights of Ren left their customized starship and quickly took in their surroundings. Trees sprawled out in every direction and the once-chattering birds had fallen still, watching from between the leaves. Gathering, the Knights were in agreement: the girl was the only sentient being for miles in any direction. They spread out softly, heading towards your Force signature—the very same Force signature that was still pulsating outward and begging them to come and find you.

Cardo’s hands itched against his cannon; maybe he would blow something up on their way out, just to take the edge off. It would be his own head if he brought the girl back to Master Ren harmed, but he had said nothing of your surroundings.

 _“Shut up, Cardo,”_ hissed Ap’lek.

A low growl escaped Cardo as the Knights continued to move forward into the silent jungle.

*~*

_Stars, they are noisy,_ you thought.

The Force was itching around you, practically screaming _Soon_. Yet you could not feel the presence of the Jedi Killer, which struck you as odd. Had it not been _he_ you were waiting for the past six years? And yet he had sent his nascent Force-sensitive band of Knights after you instead. If you were less humble, you would have been offended. If you were less with the Force, you would be pondering death by scythe instead of death by lightsaber.

Even without hearing the thoughts of the Knights across the jungle, you would have felt their arrival. Devaron had gone cold around you, warning you that those strong with the Dark Side of the Force were approaching. The loud irritation of the birds in the trees, followed by their deafening silence, would have alerted even the most mundane individual to a disturbance.

Yet you did not break from your meditation. You wanted to be as centered within the Force as possible at the moment of your death, whenever that may be.

_cold_

Opening your eyes, you allowed your legs to unwind and your feet to touch the soil. The various objects that had joined you in your meditation came back to settle in gravity, which you scarcely noticed. No--instead your (e/c) eyes focused on the five figures coming towards you out of the tree line. They were dressed in eerie black, their faces shielded behind barbaric masks. In their hands rested an assortment of crude weapons, but they were not pointing them at you. Despite the lightsaber attached to your person, despite the fact that these Knights were here because you were one with the Force, they did not seem. . . threatened by you. The odd realization struck you that these monsters were _curious about you._

Casting out with the Force, you realized the sixth was watching from afar, prepared in case you had laid a trap.

You sighed and raised your hands slowly, palms facing you so as not to startle these jumpy Knights, and you removed your hood.

Ap’lek, Cardo, Kuruk, Trugden, Ushar, and Vicrul knew that they were wrong when they saw the girl in the clearing. You had a ship behind you, one that seemed to be in one piece, and yet you were in the open. The moment the five, save for Kuruk, had found you meditating-- _floating_ , as Master Ren did on occasion--gave them pause. Yet, the moment they left the tree line, you had set your feet on the ground and studied them. Trugden was unnerved-- _all of them were--_ for you didn’t seem the least bit surprised or startled to see them. You didn’t make a move for the lightsaber clipped to your belt. Nor did you move to escape into the ship. Or to blast them away with the Force that was _clearly_ as strong within you as it was within Master Ren. No--instead, the girl _(woman,_ they all told themselves) was studying them. The Knights took the opportunity to study you back. You were _clearly_ tied to the Light Side of the Force, if your attire and demeanor were anything to go by. You could have been a woodland nymph with how well you fit into your surroundings. There was—and this made the Knights clench their teeth behind their masks— _peace_ in this clearing.

And then you slowly reached your hands up. The Knights stiffened further, but you kept her palms facing each other, rather than _towards them._ The usual “don’t shoot” signal meant something different if you were Force-sensitive, Ushar knew. It was more likely for them to have been blasted into the trees. Yet you did not make any move against them. You reached _up_ , instead of towards your silver-hilted lightsaber. Master Ren’s mystery woman gently removed the hood, revealing (h/c) braided back and dangling over your right shoulder. 

Kuruk came to stand beside his brothers, his rifle still clenched in his hands but facing away from you. When the threat— _or lack thereof—_ was determined, he couldn’t stand being kept from this.

These Knights were definitely odd, you mused. _Odd,_ yet the presence of the Dark Side they brought them made you glad to have your robes. Their souls were icy cold with the Dark Side and—and you _hated it._

“Where’s your master?” you questioned.

Their masks turned towards each other, as if they were looking at each other. Could they see each other’s eyes in those masks, or were they simply used to communicating this way?

One Knight, who had pastillion ore on his mask, stepped forward. Resting over his shoulder was an annealed phrik scythe, and your instincts had your muscles tighten in preparation. He was still rather far away from you, yet you didn’t doubt his capabilities to cleave you with that weapon. Slowly, the Knight looked you up and down, before leveling his mask toward your face.

“Master Ren awaits you on the _Steadfast._ ”

Your brow creased. He was having you _brought to him?_ You were hardly important.

In an instant, the Temple burned behind your retinas and you were forced to retain a flinch. You quelled the anxiety before the Knights could recognize it for what it was, pushing back the memory of that night. So that was why Kylo Ren wanted you brought to him: you were the last of Luke Skywalker’s students, the only one who had managed to get away and _stay away._ It made you sigh.

_Soon_

Swiftly you unclipped your lightsaber—the Knights scrambled to aim their weapons—but you merely tossed it toward the scythe-wielding Knight. He caught it single-handedly, confusion wafting off of him. _How very un-Dark Side,_ you mused.

“Lead the way, then,” you told them softly, gesturing with the hand that had tossed your saber.

The Knight’s hand tightened around the hilt before clipping it on his own belt. Another Knight, this one with a tubed breathing apparatus on his mask, came forward and set his club beside the first Knight. From a pocket he procured a distinct set of handcuffs—Force-dampening ones. You raised your eyebrows, but said nothing as he cautiously approached you. Knowing that the Force would never allow you to fight back, you raised your hands in submission.

*~*

The Knights encircled you as you walked from your home in shackles. One went ahead of you, another was behind you, and two were on either side. It was a _bit_ extreme, you thought, considering you had done nothing to warrant mistreatment. A nasty voice in the back of your mind reminded you of the horror these Knights were capable of, and you hushed it.

Shortly your group came into another field. This one was occupied by a revamped prison ship. Your feet faltered, only for the Knight behind you to shove you forward. The one in front pressed a button to lower the ramp before proceeding inside without so much as a backwards glance at you.

"Get in," said the one who had spoken to you before.

Steeling yourself, you entered the behemoth starship. 

_Prisoner transport, indeed,_ you thought. 

As the Knights moved around you, the one who had spoken ushered you forward. With a firm, gloved hand on your shoulder, he pushed you down into a seat and proceeded to engage the safety belts. 

_Curious. . ._

You said nothing--you had said nothing since you told them to lead the way. Being alone for so long, you had grown used to the silence. You briefly wondered if the Knights were usually talkative, amongst themselves. Yet they said nothing as the ship left Devaron. 

Your heart twinged for a moment, but you let the feeling pass.

_Soon Be one_

You wanted to verbally question the feeling, because what could 'be one' mean? You were One with the Force in the way that Master Luke had taught you, but this did not feel as if it were the same sentiment. Did the Force mean to tell you, explicitly, that your death was imminent and you would be passing into the Force?

_trust_

You blinked heavily. Trust in what, besides the Force? Definitely not _these men_. These Dark Siders. These murderers. 

No answer came to you, and you knew you wouldn't be able to reach a proper state to meditate on this ship. Not with how _cold_ it was with the Dark Side. It unnerved you.

To distract yourself from what was coming, you shifted your bound wrists and removed the book from your robe's pocket. Shifting to be comfortable, you pulled your legs up onto the seat with you. Once again you brushed your thumb over the cover. This book had been with you since you left the Temple, but you had never opened it. Once the visions became clear to you, you decided to save the words within this text for your final moments. You had known that it would be possible; that death would not be sprung upon you without warning. You would have the time to read this work of art before you left this life.

With a deep breath, you opened to page one.

"Are you _reading?"_ came the incredulous voice of one of the Knights.

Aggravated—you hated being disrupted when you were reading—you looked up. This Knight's mask appeared like a void, and you wondered vaguely how he could see through it. He was standing directly before you, weaponless.

"Clearly," you remarked, tilting your head back down and finishing the page.

An amused. . . _chuckle_ sounded from the vocoder and in an instant, his gloved hand snatched the book from your hands. You gasped in protest, trying to grab the book back.

"Give it back," you demanded.

Yet the Knight had turned away from you and was clearly flicking through the pages.

"You're on your way to the _Steadfast_ , to Master Ren, with _us,_ and you pull out a _book?_ " he asked in clear amusement.

You huffed, "I've been saving it for such an occasion. Now, _give it back._ "

The other Knights in the space stepped up to their comrade and looked at your book. Flustered beyond relief, you struggled to extract yourself from the safety restraints. Your brain automatically worked to center yourself, but you wanted that book back. Your grumbled, reaching once more towards the latch—and a sharp, short shock shot through your wrists.

You yelped without meaning to, repelling as far back in your seat as you possibly could—despite the offending appendage being your wrists. 

The Knights reacted immediately. They were quickly moving towards you, which made you tense. They hovered in a circle, all of them tilting their heads down towards you, as if they were looking at you beneath those visors. The one who had your saber grasped your cuffed wrists and pressed on your skin here and there.

"I'd rather you didn't touch—"

"Master Ren will have our heads if you come back injured," said the Knight with the breathing apparatus. "Cardo, give her back her book."

The one by you took the book from the Knight Cardo and set it back in your hands with an unfathomable gentleness. You stared at them.

"Why does he care if I'm injured or not? He's just going to kill me."

Again the Knights all turned their masks to face you, but then they retreated to their corners in silence. You stared after them, wishing you could understand, but they were purposefully ignoring you.

With a creased brow, you returned your attention to your death text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrival on the Steadfast--and Ben/Kylo next chapter!


	3. Yet Still Steadfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We encounter the man formerly known as Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title comes from John Keats' poem "Bright Star." There's an added Keats line in the text somewhere, if you can find it! (It is obscure unless you know Keats.)  
> Otherwise: Enjoy!! I really loved writing this chapter.

Less than a basic cycle later, you heard the hum of the engines get lower, a sure sign that you were reaching your final destination. You hadn't finished the book, and so you began to read faster. You doubted you were absorbing much of these final pages—not that it mattered—but you were determined to do so.

Until the Knight known as Cardo took your book from you again.

 _"Seriously?"_ you exclaimed in disbelief.

"We're about to land."

"Yes, I know that, but that doesn't mean I can't finish my—"

_Quiet."_

This was one of the other Knights. His mask was undoubtedly the most crude, looking as if he had welded several different pieces together.

"I do not take orders from the Dark Side," you said firmly, leveling your gaze on this Knight.

His hand tightened into a fist, and the other Knights shifted. It did not escape your notice that they had blocked this Knight's path to where you sat restrained.

"Ap'lek, I could use you up here," came the filtered voice of the Knight in the cockpit. 

The angry Knight, Ap'lek, turned on his heel without another word and stormed into the space ahead. The remaining Knights seemed to deflate, and your theory was proven. What had been said before was true: Kylo Ren wanted you brought to him in one piece. That meant that the Knights couldn't harm you. 

The remaining aspect of your query remained: Just _what_ did the Jedi Killer have in store for you?

_Soon Be one_

 _Yes,_ you thought, _I know._

The ship settled into the hangar of the _Steadfast_ with the ease of Kuruk's piloting. He hadn't truly needed Ap'lek, but his brother in arms needed to maintain a clear head around Master Ren's woman. Any of them could easily lose their temper and harm you, and then what? Master Ren would split them on his lightsaber without a second thought. No. It was best for Ap'lek to have a distraction for a moment.

Once the ship landed, Vicrul moved to release the safety restraints before grabbing your arm and getting you to your feet. He noticed you had schooled your expression perfectly, and he couldn't even feel nerves coming off of you. It was befuddling to him that you were walking to face Master Ren without even an ounce of fear. _Remarkable,_ yet confusing.

The Knights took their positions around you as Vicrul pulled your hood back over your head, earning only the briefest glance of perplexion on your face. He shifted to stand before you and felt his brothers move in--Ushar behind you, with Cardo and Ap'lek flanking your right side, and Kuruk and Trudgen on your left. The Knights disembarked the _Night Buzzard_ with their prize, stepping in closer as they entered the hangar properly. Kuruk had timed their arrival perfectly; only a skeleton crew was present and that meant there would be no lingering eyes. No one would see you wedged between the six Knights of Ren. The rumors wouldn't follow. 

Just as Master Ren had demanded.

You kept pace with them easily enough, grateful to have enough of your basic instincts intact (despite the cuffs) that you didn’t run into Ap'lek or any of the others as you rounded corners quickly. Your intention had been to keep your head down, but you had never stepped foot onto a ship of this size before. The sleek, immaculate hallways were not really what you had expected from the First Order. Though, you assumed, they did have a passion for their own brand of order. 

After a bit, the group paused in front of a turbolift, which was prompt to arrive. The Knights ushered you in and then resumed their positions around you.

_Soon Soon Soon_

 _Hush,_ you thought anxiously.

You couldn't help the anxiety. What you had been waiting for for the past six years would soon come to pass. The Jedi Killer would kill you, the last of Luke Skywalker’s apprentices. And. . . then what?

 _Then we'll be together again,_ you mused wistfully.

And then the seven of you departed the turbolift and crossed several more hallways. Your curious nature could not be sated, for you refused to ask them where they were taking you. _Surely_ their torture chambers weren't on this level? But then you remembered— _Snoke._ The fiend behind your nightmare. The Supreme Leader of the First Order. A creature of evil. A being of the Dark Side. But the Knights had said they were taking you to Kylo Ren—No. They were taking you to _Master_ Ren. Could that be a moniker for Snoke? He would undoubtedly want you dead, for you would never join his cause. 

Your feet faltered, and the Knight behind you pressed his palm to your back, keeping it there with a pressure that kept you moving forward. Your heart hammered in your chest, feeling as if it would burst from your ribs—that would be easier than facing such a tyrant.

The Knights suddenly stopped outside a lone door in a long hallway and the one in front entered a code. The blast door swished open, causing the Knights to escort you inside.

The room blinded you. Your head spun. The space was startlingly bright. You blinked heavily to readjust your pupils from the stark difference of this room and the rest of the _Steadfast._ How could such a bright room exist in such a place? 

The lights suddenly dimmed, and you turned abruptly to find Cardo at a dimmer switch. Your brow creased, but your head stopped swimming. Slowly you turned back around to take in your new surroundings. 

To your right was a long, full bookshelf. With _actual_ books, you realized with a start. Not stories on data pads. A small kitchenette was on your left, with closed doors on either side. A small dining table sat in the open space, with a couch and plush chairs in the space beyond. _And space_ _—_ a floor to ceiling window took up the space across from you, looking out into the deep expanse. Two TIE fighters buzzed by, but otherwise, it was undisturbed. Your soul relaxed at the sight. 

Directly up to the moment Breathing Apparatus Knight pushed you forward again. You huffed, exasperated, and the scythe-wielding Knight took you by your shoulder again. One of the others had brought one of the plush chairs over, and you were forcibly seated upon it. He pushed your hood down.

_SOON_

You flinched.

The Force was raging around you—elated and terrified all at once. You gasped, squeezing your eyes shut and doubling over. 

"Vicrul! What did you do?!"

 _"Nothing!"_ The Knight grabbed you by both of your shoulders, moving to position himself in front of you.

It did nothing to help the emotions that had seized your senses. It only made you ache with cold again, and so you raised your hands to press your thumbs to the space between your eyes.

Suddenly you could feel him. The palpable energy that so often invaded your dreams, the energy that lingered against your visions. . . It was getting closer. The Knights must have felt him, too, for they all were immediately facing the door and dropping to one knee, bowing their heads.

 _Breathe!_ you told yourself firmly, and you steeled yourself.

You planted your feet firmly on the ground, shoved your head up, and straightened your spine. You wanted him to see you before he ended you. He owed you that much.

Your eyes flickered to your lightsaber on the Knight’s belt. You wanted it on your person, simply for the added sense of security it had always given you. Your thoughts briefly flickered to Master Luke referring to you as a _Jedi Consular,_ and you wanted these cuffs _off._ . .

The blast door flew open and you went completely still, focusing entirely on the entity entering the room. His boots echoed loudly in the otherwise silent chamber until he stopped amidst his Knights.

Kylo Ren’s cloak shone like softened leather, rested over broad shoulders that were clothed in a long-sleeved, ribbed tunic. The tunic fell to his thighs, which themselves were encased in form-fitting pants that seemed to be of the same material as the cloak. All of it was black, and your mind took in every aspect of the Jedi Killer’s attire. It did this despite the fact that your eyes never moved from the infamous, Vader-like mask. Red lines worked over the mask like veins, even over the vocoder. There was a clear space he likely was glaring at you through, and so you refused to look away.

_Here_

Your breathing stuttered as the Force wafted between you and the unrelenting force that was Kylo Ren. He hadn’t moved since he came to a halt, but he seemed to be breathing deeply, if the movement of his chest was any indication. You wished you could find the ability to speak, to curse him for his actions six years ago. To ask _why_ he had instructed his Knights to bring you to him, instead of killing you on sight.

Speaking of the Knights: a quick flick of his hand had them rise to their feet in unison. They did not look at you, but Kylo Ren hadn’t looked anywhere _but_ towards you.

“Did you have any difficulties?”

Your jaw clenched at the voice coming from the vocoder; it was _haunting_. It was undeniably the voice from your nightmares.

“No, Master,” the six said, and this caused Ren to tilt his head to the side.

The _briefest_ flicker of recognition flickered through you before you beat it back. You couldn’t risk being unfocused here.

“Really?” he questioned, both amused and surprised.

One of the Knights took a step forward and unclipped your lightsaber from his belt, extending it. At this, Ren’s attention left you, turning instead to your saber in his gloved hand. He turned it over, inspecting it.

“I see,” Ren said quietly, and you realized the Knights must have been mentally informing them of what had occurred on Devaron. “Give it here, Cardo.” His voice was firmer in his demand, and to your immense displeasure, the Knight handed your book over. Kylo Ren rubbed his thumb over the cover of the book, just as you had done the other morning. 

The sight of this man holding two of your most precious belongings in his grasp pushed your nerves over the edge. His head snapped back up, and the Knights shrank back, facing you once more. If it weren’t for the cuffs on your wrists, you would have summoned your books and your saber to you. You would have secured them, and pushed your way _out_ with the Force at your back.

 _“Enough of this,”_ you fumed, leaping to your feet. “Enough with this mockery! Just _get on with it.”_

Silence fell between you, until Breathing Apparatus Knight spoke, “She is under the impression that you are going to kill her, Master Ren.”

His mask shot to the Knight.

“And what gave her _that_ idea?” Ren fumed.

“You’re the _Jedi Killer,_ ” you rejoined. “And I am the last of Luke Skywalker’s apprentices.”

Slowly, Ren turned to look at you again.

“You say that with such pride,” he assumed softly.

“You say that with such condemnation, as though you were not responsible for the death of those I held most dear.”

Ren’s back got impossibly straighter. In swift movements, he affixed your lightsaber opposite his own and placed your book in his pocket.

“Leave us.”

In seconds, the Knights had their weapons and they had departed, leaving you alone with the man the Force had promised you would come for you. Kylo Ren crossed closer to you, causing you to stiffen. You knew that there was little, if anything, you could do against him with the hindrance on your wrists.

“Why do you think I am going to kill you? I had you brought here, to me, didn’t I? I ordered the Knights not to harm you.”

“You know why,” you whispered.

“And yet. . . you did not fight back. I saw your ship in their minds, you could have _left._ Yet you handed your weapon to Vicrul and left without incident. Forgive me, but I thought Skywalker would have trained you to have more self-preservation than that.”

“I survived the First Order’s reign for six years, did I not?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you sighed. Then you looked at him again.

“For six years, the Force has warned me of you. It has kept me apprised. I have known you would find me, and that nothing I did would stop it, for this is as the Force decrees.”

Ren shifted on his feet.

“The Force. . . has let you see me?”

“Only as you are now. I--It never showed me your face.”

You could hear Ren breathing deeply, scraggly though the vocoder.

“Just kill me already,” you whispered. “Be done with it.”

“No.”

You started, _“No?”_

“I did not bring you here to kill you! I did not wait _six years_ to act. To purposefully seek your Force signature so that I would know where you were. I did not warn my Knights that I would kill them if you came back to me harmed, just so that _I_ could kill you!”

You grit your teeth.

“And Snoke? I can’t imagine he’s too pleased that you aren’t killing a Jedi who has offered no defense.”

 _“Snoke,”_ Ren growled. “Is _dead._ ”

Your mind forcibly reminded you of your last night on Devaron. Of Ren’s emotions breaking through into your own mind. You remembered the way the Force had felt that morning, and you came to a realization.

“You killed him. Why?” you whispered.

Kylo Ren visibly hesitated, but his hands slowly came up to the sides of his mask, pressing his thumbs in. The front vocoder piece extended and slid up, and then the cuffs were falling from your wrists. As Kylo Ren lifted the mask from his head, allowing rich black hair to fall upon broad shoulders, the Force quaked in your soul.

_"Ben?”_

Hesitant, _perfect_ eyes flickered up to meet yours as the mask clanked against the flooring. Your (e/c) eyes soaked in the gold flecks of his irises that so often flooded your dreams. The beauty marks had not changed. His face was merely older. _Wearier._

Agony rose its ugly head in your heart and you reared back. In an instant, the palm of your hand connected with his stupidly perfect face with a resounding _crack._ His face fell to the side, but he didn’t retaliate.

A million questions were running through your mind. The Temple was burning behind your retinas again, and this time you couldn’t restrain the memories. . . Master Luke had sent you away, just hours before you felt panic in Ben Solo. You had flipped your ship around and leapt into hyperspace without another moment’s thought, willing Ben to be okay. Yet the closer you got to the Temple, the further away he got. You had landed with sobs breaking through your lips unbidden, your hand tight on your lightsaber. Your friends, your classmates--they were lying dead across the grounds as flames licked up the Temple. The Force pulled you to Ben’s hut, only to find it in ruins. You had fallen to your knees, reaching out with the Force to find Ben--only for no sign to return to you.

It was R2-D2 who had broken you from your anguish, beeping ardently and fretfully. And then Master Luke was climbing out of the rubble, staring at you in shock.

 _“I had sent you away,”_ he had gasped.

_“Master Luke! What happened? Everyone--Everyone’s dead, Master Luke!”_

He pulled something from the rubble--a Jedi’s cloak, the very one you were wearing in the present. He slipped it around your shoulders, brushing his real hand over the top of your head in an oddly soothing gesture.

_“Ben is gone, (Y/N).”_

_“No. . . I--I felt him! Master Luke, I--”_

Your Master’s eyes had been defeated.

_“You have to go. You have to hide. The Dark Side has risen, and he will be coming for you. I--I have failed you.”_

You jolted out of your memories when Ben-- _Kylo Ren?_ \--reached out to the cloak. Before you could repel backwards, he pushed the hood down.

“Where did you get this?”

Eyes wide, you managed to shove him away from you.

 _“That’s_ what you have to say to me?! _Six_ years, Ben! SIX. I--I thought you were _dead. . ._ And--And. . . Oh, _stars_.” Your hands fell to your knees. “This is what Master Luke meant when he said you had gone. You--” You stared at the man you had once called ‘friend’. “You went to the Dark Side? Ben, how could--”

“Ben Solo is dead,” seethed the man in front of you.

The notion made you shake your head. Moments ago, you knew Ben Solo was dead. You knew that Kylo Ren had killed him. And yet here Ben was, standing before you but troubled with the Dark Side of the Force. Kylo Ren had not killed Ben Solo, he had merely remade him.

“That’s not true,” you whispered.

His fist clenched.

“I killed him. He was _weak._ ” 

Something akin to a laugh escaped you.

“Ben Solo, you have always been the strongest person I know. How could you ever consider--” You faltered, and gently reached out with the Force, prodding him. Your heart dropped into your stomach. “The Dark Side corrupted you, Ben. It--It _stole you._ ”

“No,” he said, shaking his head firmly. “The Dark Side showed me my potential. I am the most powerful being in the galaxy!”

Your heart ached, and a drowsy numbness pained you.

“Am I weak, Ben? The Dark Side has no hold on me, and I know you can still sense that.”

“I have always been able to sense you.”

For a moment, when his eyes met yours, you saw your Ben again. _Your Ben_ , who had helped hone your abilities with a lightsaber. _Your Ben_ , who had always praised your innate capabilities with the Force. . . with the Light Side.

A tear fell from your eye, and Ben stepped forward, only to close his hands against his thighs.

“Why am I here, Ben?” you asked, dejected. You folded your hands into the robe’s sleeves, hiding yourself in what had once been Ben’s robe.

His jaw tightened.

“I did kill Snoke,” he said in response. “Because from the moment we met, I was able to keep you hidden from him. No matter how deeply he penetrated my mind, I was able to _hide you._ Two days ago, he found out about you. About. . . _us_ , at the Temple. And he saw your devotion to the Light.” His eyes met yours, cautious yet emotive. “He ordered me to kill you, so I destroyed him.”

The screams of rage sounded in your mind again, and it was not lost on Ben. Now that the two of you were standing in the same space again, the six year long relationship hummed against the pair of you. The Force was opening the two of you up to each other again, no matter how much both of you were fighting it.

 _“How?”_ he asked. “How is it possible you felt that?”

Slowly you shook your head.

“I told you: the Force always kept me informed. I--I should have known it was you. Ben, I should have come for you. I am so sor--”

“Do you not understand? Snoke would have _killed you_. He would have made _me_ do it! To prove that I was loyal to him!” he shouted. “You are here now because he is _dead._ I am the Supreme Leader. They can’t take you from me now!”

A chill fell upon you and you shivered in Ben’s robe.

“Why am I here, Ben?” you asked again. “I will not serve the First Order, and I will never give in to the Dark Side.”

His jaw clenched again. Ben then invaded your space again, reaching up ever-so-slowly to press his gloved hand against your cheek. He murmured your name and the tears fell freely from your eyes. 

“You are here because this is where you are meant to be.” Your brow creased, and Ben continued. “You said so yourself: the Force _wants_ you here. . . with me.” The iciness of the Dark Side suddenly brushed against your awareness. “And I refuse to lose you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What SHALL we do??
> 
> Are you enjoying this story so far??


	4. Handle With Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader and Ben/Kylo contemplate some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note: If the text is italicized, and not in quotation marks, but in line with the rest of the text, that means there's a conversation going on in the minds. If the text is italicized and pushed further in/indented more, that's the Force talking.

_ Ben. _ Your soul ached at the thought of the man. How could he have been hidden from your senses for all these years? Given that the connection between you lasted despite years apart, you wanted answers. The monster you assumed to be Ben's killer had been present in so many of your nightmares. He had been the focus of your visions. And yet the Force had kept you ignorant. Why? To protect you from Snoke, as Ben seemed to think? You should have been there, by Ben's side. You should have been able to save him from the darkness.

The man in question said your name, causing you to turn from the stars beyond the window. Your eyes flickered over him; he had changed his clothes. He didn’t seem to be waiting for an attack in this softer clothing. At some point, you had draped his old robe over a chair and undone your braid. If you'd known you were coming for an extended stay and not an execution, you would have brought a change of clothes. Something to worry about later, you decided.

He said your name again. You blinked, refocusing on him.

"Yes?"

His features softened, his full lips parting. He came closer to you.

"I realize you must be hungry. I know the Knights didn't feed you."

Before you could object, your stomach responded for you. Loudly. Ben raised an eyebrow, his lip twitching.

"I'll have something sent up."

Ben turned to fetch his datapad, where it rested alongside your book. You moved away from the window, towards him.

"Wait, no. Ben. . . it's late. The kitchens couldn't possibly be open at this hour."

He continued tapping away on the screen, saying, "They always are for me. Besides. . . I don't have much here."

"I'll be fine until a reasonable--"

"(Y/N)," he said firmly, his dark eyes boring into yours. "you need to eat. Let me--Let me take care of you."

With a sigh, you nodded. Admittedly you  _ were _ rather hungry. You hadn't had anything to eat since before the Knights had come. You crossed to Ben, slowly. . . cautiously. . . After he pressed several buttons on his datapad and replaced it on the table, he turned to the kitchenette and withdrew two glasses from the cupboard. One he filled with water, and he set it on the table. It wasn't until he looked meaningfully at you, that you realized he wanted you to sit. You eased into one of the two chairs as Ben poured himself something amber-colored. You sipped at the water, but quickly realized just how thirsty you were. You downed the glass before Ben had sat in the other chair, which caused him to refill it.

Silent, you wrapped your hands around the glass and stared into it. You could feel the energy flowing between the two of you. It was as palpable as it had always been, and you vaguely wondered how attuned the Knights were to other people's emotions. Could they have felt it, when you and Ben were staring each other down? Master Luke always had, but for some reason he never separated you and Ben from each other.

"What are you thinking?" Ben asked quietly.

You looked up at him. Despite how at ease he appeared-- sitting in the chair, tilted towards you--, there was an undeniable tension in him.

"Can't you tell?"

Slowly, Ben shook his head, turning in his chair to fully face you.

"Not anymore. Not without trying. And. . . I don't want to do that to you. Not if you are willing to tell me."

You didn’t miss the underlying threat. Ben could get into your mind as easily as you could get into his; rather, you used to be able to.

"I'm. . . just wondering if the way the Force is. . ." You trailed off, crinkling your brow.

A silent moment passed.

"Ah," he said in understanding. "You're wondering if the Knights could feel the way the Force moves between us."

He said it so simply that you couldn't help but nod.

"They aren't trained in the Force, but they do have degrees of proficiency. More so on the battlefield than anywhere else, but. . . Yes. To answer your question, they did feel it."

Incredulous, you questioned, "And they don't  _ care? _ I felt them the moment they stepped foot on Devaron. And being on that ship? I doubt they liked it any more than I did.” 

“What they like is irrelevant. They had orders to bring you to me.” You said his name, admonishingly. “They didn’t  _ object _ to you--to your ties to the Light Side of the Force. But they did feel it.”

“They could do less than I in that situation, even with those horrid cuffs. What I--” You sighed. “When we were training together, everyone felt it.  _ Especially _ Master Luke.” Ben’s expression tightened at the mention of your old Master. “You said the Knights could feel it, too.”

Ben breathed deeply, but his hand was still clenching the glass on the table.

“They can.”

You stared at Ben for nearly a m inute, trying to understand his tone. It was too--too  _ Kylo. _

“And they hate it,” you surmised.

“It doesn’t  _ matter _ , (Y/N). They will do nothing against you. They are as sworn to protect you as they are me.”

This revelation stunned you.

“I’m perfectly capable of protecting myself, Ben. I always have been, and I wouldn’t have lasted six years on my own if--”

His hand fell from the glass, and his brow creased in obvious frustration.

“The point remains. I am their Master. They do as I say. And now that you are here with me, they will guard you with their lives.”

Your heart raced at the implication. Gently, you slipped your mind against Ben’s, holding his eyes as you did. You could tell by the way his breathing changed that he was well aware of your intentions, but he opened his mind to you. Immediately you were met with a single, unobstructed pathway. Veering from what he  _ wanted _ you to see wasn’t going to be possible without a fight, and neither of you wanted that. So you pressed forward, directly ahead, absorbing the only thoughts that were being shown to you: those about you being on the  _ Steadfast _ and the Knights’ role in it.

You repelled your mind backward, slamming back into your own consciousness. Your hands shook as you stared at Ben.

“You can’t keep me here.”

His jaw tightened, fueling the bitterly cold air around you.

“You came  _ willingly. _ ”

“Because the Force led me to believe this was my final path! I never came with an intention to  _ live _ here!”

Despite the coldness of the Dark Side, heat rolled in the Force between you and your oldest friend. You projected your Light forward, unwilling to be displaced by the Darkness.

“Who are we to question the Force, (Y/N)? It led you here,  _ to me.  _ It placed you back by my side because that is where you are  _ meant _ to be! Just as--” Ben grit his teeth, and you shivered. “We belong at each other’s sides. Don’t you see that?”

“Then come with me,” you whispered. “Ben. . .  _ come home. _ ”

You pleaded with him, utilizing everything you had. The Darkness flared within him, and you realized his action the moment he committed to it. Leaping to your feet and pushing back  from the table, Ben-- _ No, _ you whimpered,  _ Kylo-- _ swung his hand out and to the side with a roar. The table flew across the space, colliding with the wall with a terrible crash. He spun to face you-- back angled, face red, fists formed, black hair in his eyes. In response, you shifted on your feet, settling yourself.

_ “Stop calling me that!” _ he screamed.

“I refuse to call you by any other name,” you responded, calm in the face of his aggression.

You didn’t flinch when he crossed the space between you, nor when he grabbed your face between his hands. You noticed immediately that his grip was nowhere near as tight as it could have been. His mind shoved against yours, causing your eyes to flutter for a moment before you met his again.

_ STOP _

“No,” you whispered.

_ I KILLED BEN SOLO _

Your body went slack as he tried to convince you of this, but the Force-- _ your Light-- _ refused to be beaten back. Carefully, as if approaching a wounded animal, you raised your hands and pressed them to Ben’s face, mirroring his hands on yours. You pushed back, demanding the balance you once had when Ben was in your head, and you in his. 

_ Ben. . . _

Harnessing your strength, you pulled your first memory of Ben Solo forward, and with a sigh, it encased you both.

The other human children of Naboo hated you. You refused to partake in their silly games from a very young age, preferring instead to sit and commune with your all-knowing friend. Naboo was full of life and the Force thrummed from it. Every day after your lessons, you would escape into the greenspace and whisper to your all-knowing friend. You had known there were visitors on Naboo that day, one was said to be a  _ legend. _ Your teachers had warned you to stay away, and the other children had laughed.

Falling to your back to stare at the sky, you spread your fingers into the tall grass and soaked in the sun. Your eyes fell shut and you whispered to your all-knowing friend that you were tired of being alone. It was that moment that the sun behind your eyelids darkened, and you quickly opened them. A dark-haired boy, not much older than you, was standing above you and peering down to your face with unhindered interest. You blinked up at him, curious.

_ Companion  _

The boy’s dark eyes had widened at the Force’s declaration, and you leapt to your feet, turning to face him.

“You heard that?” he asked you. “You--You felt that?”

You nodded, your emotions flickering between happiness and bewilderment. You had never met someone else like you before.

“I’m (Y/N),” you told him, smiling.

You had never felt so at ease with another person before. This boy, despite being a perfect stranger, was more known to you than any other being you had ever met.

“I’m Ben,” he replied, his eyes light and happy. “You’re strong with the Force.”

Your smile fading, you nodded.

“No, don’t be upset! I--” You projected the other children’s jeers towards him, and he scowled. “I know what that’s like. My parents. . . they sent me to be with my uncle. They think he can help me.”

“Can he?” you wondered aloud, earning a shrug from Ben.

“I don’t know. I--I haven’t felt okay until just now.”

_ Equal _

“You’re not alone, Ben. I’m here.”

The boy’s face lit up, and he grabbed your hand--only to flush and immediately drop it. He stuttered an apology, but you had  _ liked _ how his hand had felt against yours, so you grabbed it again. When his hesitant eyes met yours, you smiled at him.

“Come with me,” Ben had said earnestly. “My uncle--he’s a Jedi Master. He’ll want to train you, too.”

“Is that where you’re going to be?”

Ben had nodded.

“Yes. I--I promise, (Y/N). You won’t be alone anymore.”

Your fate was sealed in that moment. Ben had stolen you away from the field to where the  _ legend _ was standing beside the water, silent in thought. Luke had barely questioned Ben when he’d shown back up with you, your hands still held. 

“This will be good for you, Ben,” said the Jedi Master, “I know she will.”

  
  
  


When you came out of your memory, you found yourself on your knees. Ben’s face was level with yours, and he was breathing heavily. The angry redness had left his face, as had the hostility in his eyes. With a remarkable gentleness that you doubted he remembered he was capable of, he brushed your loose hair away from your eyes. Your hands fell from his face to  linger on his strong shoulders, steady despite your exhaustion. You watched as  _ Ben _ filtered forward, and  _ Kylo _ filtered back. 

His forehead tilted forward, pressing against yours.

“Please don’t leave me,” he begged, his voice scarcely loud enough for you to hear it.

But you did--you always heard Ben.

“I’ll stay. For  _ you _ , Ben, I’ll stay.” 

His breath shuttered out of him, causing you to lean back and meet his eyes.

“I--I just need you here, too.”

He gulped, hesitant, and then he nodded.

_ I’ll try _

You nodded back, and Ben helped you to your feet. His hand shook against yours, reminding you of the little Ben you had met a lifetime ago in the peace of Naboo. You clung to the notion that they were still the same, hoping against hope that you weren’t making a tragic mistake.

*~*

Ren prided himself on so few things, but how well he remembered you was one of those things. Even as a girl, you had never hesitated to put him in his place when the Dark Side had reared its head inside of him. Even Luke had dismissed his tantrums to you to soothe. The years of being apart had done nothing to change your abilities. If anything, Ren was positive you were  _ stronger _ now. As Luke’s apprentices, he had seen you grow in your ability to harness the living Force. He had never encountered someone else like you, someone so  _ in tune _ with the Force. And the pair of you had shared everything--everything except Snoke’s lingering presence in his mind. Ren wondered what would have changed if he had told you.

_ Let the past die _

Ren knew he couldn’t change the past, but he had you here.  _ Here. . .  _ sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the great window as you ate from a bowl. A bit ago, the droid with the food order had come before Ren had removed the table from the space, and he had momentarily grown flustered again. But then you had reached out and moved the table out of the way with a shift of your hand. You had merely returned his gaze, as if you didn’t know that simple action had diverted him from his anger. 

He hadn’t second-guessed what he had ordered for you, going on instinct instead. You seemed pleased with his decision, or maybe you were just hungry. 

_ You’re staring _

Flushing, he shifted to face out the window. A light laugh slipped from you, and when he met your reflection in the window, he could see the remnants in your eyes. It startled Ren that you were teasing him so freely.

_ No. She’s teasing BEN, _ his mind retorted.

Ren’s eyes flicked to the stars the same moment you scooted closer to him.

“Want some?”

Tilting his head, Ren saw you proffering the bowl and utensil. You raised an eyebrow in question, but otherwise waited in silence. Ren suddenly couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten, either, so he accepted the bowl with silent thanks. This had earned him a smile, and he flushed once more.

_ Childish _ , chided his mind

“Do you ever get used to all the stars?” you asked him lowly.

Taking the time to chew and swallow, he formulated his answer.

“I don’t really notice them.”

_ Really _ \- came your voice in his mind, stunned.

“Yes. I--I never take the time.”

You hummed, bending your legs up to rest your chin on your knees. You fell back into silence, and Ren realized he had finished the food without noticing. He set the bowl to the side, beating back his guilt.

“It’s fine,” you whispered with a yawn. “I was done.”

“Come with me. I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

Panic blipped across your connection as your legs returned to their crossed state.

“What. . .” he started.

_ What’s wrong _

A flicker of--a nightmare? flickered against his consciousness. He saw the Temple burning, and he saw you alone. You had always hated being alone.

Clenching his jaw to center himself, Ren pushed as soothing of a presence as he could muster across and over you. Your (e/c) met his.

“Promise?”

Nodding, Ren got to his feet and extended his hand to you. Once you were on your feet, Ren led you across to a door beside the bookcase--the one he had been slowly filling for you. 

When Ben pushed open the door by the bookcase, you were met with muted colors in a soft light. A refresher was off to your right, a wardrobe directly to your left, and a single, large bed against the wall. A folded set of clothes-- _ black-- _ rested at the foot of it.

“You can borrow these to sleep in, until I get things ordered for you. I’ll. . . be in the other room, if you need me. --Anything,” he corrected in a hurry.

You quickly looked at him.

“What? Ben, no, I’m not taking your bed.”

“I hardly sleep, (Y/N).”

Your face fell as you asked, “Still?”

Ben nodded and assured you, “I’ll be fine.”

Your eyes flickered back to the bed that wouldn’t have even fit in the living quarters on your ship. You shook your head.

“I doubt we could find each other in that bed if we tried,” you murmured, moving forward to take the clothes in your arms. “I’m going to wash up, and change. . .”

_ Stay _

You saw Ben’s Adam’s apple lift and fall as he gulped, but then you were turning into the refresher. You changed quickly, washing your limbs with a wet cloth before you put on Ben’s dark clothes. You gently folded your tunics and pants, setting them on the counter with your boots resting on the floor beneath them. It was then you caught your reflection in the mirror, and you started. Even as a child, you had never worn black. It provided a stark difference to your mind’s eye, a complete reversal of what you usually wore. You would have to request earth tones before Ben managed to order you any clothes.

With a settling breath, you left the ‘fresher.

Ben hadn’t moved, standing rather awkwardly with his hands hanging heavily at his sides.

“Are you sure?” he questioned, his voice cracking.

You returned his previous dose of calming energy through the Force as you pulled back the luxurious bedding. A thump of boots sounded, and then Ben was pulling back the other side of the bed’s blankets. You noticed he had layered them further down, but you were chilled in space. Without breaking eye contact with each other, you and Ben Solo slipped into bed, resting your heads on the pillows in sync. 

“Good night, Ben,” you whispered, snuggling deep into the blankets.

“Sleep well, (Y/N).”

A smile tugged on your lips and you fell into slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Reader isn't going to take his nonsense, but Ben/Kylo definitely has a long, long way to go.


	5. A Matter of Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has questions about your past visions.

You woke slowly, aware that you were warmer than you had been than when you had fallen asleep. You stretched your back out, relishing in the small pops that released the tension. Your awareness heightened. There was a firm pressure against your upper back, and another against your hip. You forced your eyes open against the heavy desire of sleep, and contemplated the cause of the pressure. . . Until the sleep-induced fog lifted from your mind and you lost your breath. It had seemed impossible, yet you and Ben  _ had _ found each other in the great bed. Your head was resting above his heart, and the firm pressures you had noticed were his arms, securely wrapped around you. Your arms were likewise wrapped around him, your left hand rising and falling with Ben's steady breaths.

The past invaded your mind the very next instant.

  
  


Despite the long, grueling day of training with Master Luke, you could not quiet your mind. You lay on your cot, staring at the ceiling of your hut. The wind tangled with the chimes outside your door, the ones that had been a gift from Ben. The sound tended to soothe you, but this night, something was chasing away your sleep.

Just as you were pushing yourself up to sit, the flaps that formed your door were pushed aside. Ben, aged fifteen, slipped into your hut and fixed the flaps back into place. Without a word, you threw back your blankets. He took quick steps forward, collapsing into the cot before pulling you to him, and gesturing the blankets up over your shoulders with the Force.

Neither of you said anything. In fact, you didn't need to. The unique understanding the two of you had of each other had only heightened over the past five years. It went unsaid that your relationship shattered the Jedi code against such things, but you needed each other.

_ Ben . . . It's okay . . . I'm here _

He shivered and you tucked yourself more firmly against him.

_ It won't stop  _

_ You’re here now . . . It's okay _

Shifting in the cot, Ben had pressed his face into your neck, turning on his side so that you were, essentially, shielding him. You pressed a kiss to his crown and slowly soothed him with your presence.

"Promise you won't leave me," he had whispered. 

"I promise."

Gently you lifted your hand from Ben's chest in the present, wiping the stray tear from your cheek. You had broken your promise. You  _ had _ left, returning only to disaster. 

You couldn't understand why he wanted you here. You, with your whole self tied to the Light Side of the Force. As much as you would rather deny it, you knew the Dark Side had taken root in him. You had seen it-- _ felt it _ \--when he had flipped the table. Even his mind had been tumultuous when he had let you in. 

Morose, you quietly lifted the upper half of your body. . . only to find Ben staring back at you. You stilled.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. Yet--

"For what?"

_ Everything _

With a crease in his brow, Ben removed his arms from around you and sat up. You copied him, your legs beneath you as you faced him, while his legs were bent at the knees as he faced the end of the bed. He ran a hand through his hair.

"Nothing is your fault. None of it."

"I should have known. I--I thought I knew you inside and out. Yet, the times you lost control. . . I never imagined this."

Ben tilted his head, not looking at you directly, but still acknowledging you.

"I kept it from you, just as I kept  _ you _ from Snoke. He was always in my head, (Y/N). Ever since I was a child."

You couldn't stifle your gasp.  _ How _ could you have missed this?

"I could have--"

With a firm shake of his head, Ben swiftly climbed out of bed.

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past."

"Ben," you lamented.

"Don't."

_ Please - _ he added.

Dismally you nodded, sensing that this was not a conversation Ben was ready to have. Instead, you left the bed on the opposite side.

"You should change. There's products in the shower if you'd like. I. . . I'll be in the other room as long as I can."

With that, Ben grabbed a change of clothes from the wardrobe--his Kylo Ren attire, you noticed--and left through the door. For a moment you stood there, but ultimately decided that a shower would be nice. You redressed in the pants and inner tunic, as well as your boots, and quickly braided your hair into a bun that rested on the nape of your neck.

When you came out of the room, Ben was dressed. He held your book, yet it remained closed. He looked up when he felt you watching him, and so you moved closer.

"Where did you get this?" he asked, though not unkindly.

"It was in your robe's pocket. I didn't realize it until I had left again, but--"

"I don't understand why you kept the robe. Why. . . Why you have  _ anything _ that ties you to the Jedi."

You hesitated, but you knew he would insist on knowing sooner, rather than later.

"I felt you that night. Your panic. I flew back as fast as I could, but. . . you were gone by the time I'd returned. I couldn't feel you anymore, Ben. There was this empty space where you used to be, a-and then I saw your hut in ruins." The book clunked against the table as Ben turned to face you fully. "I don't know how long I grieved there, but I remember Artoo was speaking to me in a panic. And then Master Luke broke through the rubble. . . Told me you were gone.” Your heart tightened. “He had placed your robe over me, as if. . . as if he were trying to give a piece of you to me. Then he told me to run, and so I did."

After nearly a minute of silence, Ben asked, "Do you know where he is?"

The spiteful urgency in his tone gave you pause, but you shook your head.

"He said it would be best if neither of us knew where the other was going. I know he went into hiding, but he's never reached out to me."

Ben studied you, his mind slipping against yours in search of any falsehood.

"And the Resistance? Why didn't you go to them? The General would have accepted someone with your skills with open arms."

This startled you, because you  _ knew _ who the General of the Resistance was to Ben. You shook your head again.

"By the time word of the Resistance got to me, I was already having visions. I. . . didn't want to lead the First Order to them."

"You mean you didn't want to lead  _ me _ to them," he said harshly.

"You know that the Force led me here, to what I assumed was my death. I never knew you were here. For stars' sake, Ben! I thought you were  _ dead! _ " you cried, subconsciously grabbing hold of his quilted shirt. "I  _ mourned _ you. Every night I dreamt-- _ dreamt, _ not felled into nightmares--they were of you. Of us, sneaking in the night down to the river and into the trees. But every night I managed to dream, the next the nightmares would be worse. And the visions. . . They would come out of nowhere. More than once I would wake in the jungle with no memory of going there."

Slipping his hands up to cup your wrists, Ben's eyes stared into yours ardently.

"What did you see?"

You frowned. You hadn't expected Ben to forget how strong your visions always had been, but you had expected him to forget that he had always kept you safe from them.

_ Show me _

*~*

He could see the worry in your eyes. He could feel it bubbling between the two of you. And he felt. . .  _ guilty. _ Learning that you had likely been the last person to see Luke Skywalker before he disappeared caused an ill-advised reaction from Ren. Questioning why you hadn't gone to his mother had simply been spiteful. Ren wasn't sure if you had intended to mention that you still had visions, but you  _ had _ , and he wanted to know. The more you had trained as a child, the more Luke had honed your abilities in the Force and fed your desire for knowledge, the more potent the visions became. Sometimes you would be in the middle of lightsaber practice with the other students, and the vision would come over you, rendering you incapable of defending yourself. The first time that had happened, Ben Solo had not reacted well. The other students hadn't realized your mind was elsewhere and had converged on you. . . only to be thrust across the field by an angry, defensive Ben. He had guarded you until the vision ceased. Had stayed with you as you discussed it with Luke. . .

Just like his fits of rage had become something you alone could soothe, your protection during the visions had become his responsibility. The desire to protect you hadn't left Ren, and there he stood, urging you silently to tell him.

"They're in the past," you told him dejectedly. 

Before he thought to stop himself, Ren threw a hand up, pressing his bare palm to the side of your face. Eyes wide, you didn't have the opportunity to block the intrusion. 

Ren tugged you closer, his grip on your wrist tightening and he sought the information he desired.

Walls flew up in an effort to deter them, but he didn't relent, toppling them. He could see a mental projection of you, standing in a corner as if to protect it, and he diverted his path. 

_ Please don't  _

He moved you aside despite your pleas, and the memories of your visions unloaded upon him.

You had seen Devaron three months after the Temple had burned, just as it had been in the minds of his Knights. Your ship sheltered against trees and a life made in waiting. 

_ And the waiting. . .  _ Ren saw, then, what the Force had shown you about him. He was in full attire, down to the mask, which was illuminated in lightning. The red from his lightsaber swung about and clashed against the green of yours. You were watching him--determination in your eyes as you fought the man responsible for so much destruction. Ren saw the bodies in orange flight suits littering the space between you.  _ Rebels,  _ he realized. And he knew, through your own awareness, that you were fighting to keep him from the familiar Corellian YT freighter loitering behind you. 

_ "You hid from me!" _ he roared, swinging his cross guard saber viciously.

You met the swing, only to leap backwards with the Force guiding you.

"You've killed  _ everyone!" _ you had shrieked. "I won't let you win!"

A jut of your arm sent him skittering backwards. He had thrown his hand out to regain his balance, only to race forward once more.

"Everyone who hid you from me will be  _ destroyed!" _

A roar-- _ Chewbacca's roar-- _ had sounded, and through your eyes he saw himself fling you to the side. He had moved forward----

The vision ceased, but tied to it was a memory. You, collapsing inside a ship as sobs wrenched themselves from you. The familiarity of the Force as it was within you brushing against your senses.

_ Be open _

_ hidden is peril _

"I won't hide," you had whispered. "I'll let him find me, just. . .  _ Please. _ Please don’t let that come to pass. I won't hide. I promise.  _ Please. . ." _

__  
  


With a scream, you wrenched the man from your mind and flung him across the living space. Just as he had in your vision, he steadied himself with a thrust of his hand. Anguished sobs tore at you as you collapsed to your knees, folding in on yourself. Ren flinched, whispered your name. . .

_ "Stay  away from me," you gasped. _

Hesitating for a long moment, he moved forward. You felt him coming, and you scrambled to your feet. You could feel your cheeks had become red with the effort of expelling him. Something you had only ever done in training, so as to show the other Padawans. . .

Again he whispered your name.

_ "No. _ H-How could you do that to me? That wasn't something I was willing to share! Do. . . Do you have  _ any idea _ how invasive that was?"

"You weren’t going to tell me," he accused, the anger fueling him.

You stood silently, opposing him.

"We'll never know," you murmured. Then, steeling yourself: " _ Never _ do that again. I will tear this place apart to get away if you abuse my mind like that again. I won't stand for it."

You felt the actuality of the situation hit him, but before he could respond, you scooped up the book and his robe, and disappeared into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, BEN. That was not a good idea...


	6. This is Me Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben tries to make amends.

Ren watched as you walked away from him, taking your-- _ his _ book and his old robe into  _ his _ bedroom and shutting the door. Who he had once been screamed at him in protest of his actions. Why did he have to  _ invade _ her mind, without even giving her the opportunity to explain her visions? If he had only been  _ patient, _ she wouldn’t be shutting him out. And he wouldn’t be reeling from her unbridled fear of the Jedi Killer that had haunted her for six years.

He grimaced. How was he supposed to convince you to stay when he didn’t deserve it? When he didn’t deserve  _ you? _ . . . How was he supposed to make it up to you?

Cautiously, Ren reached out with his mind, only to be met with bitter rejection. And heartache.

In a rush, Ren had his mask secured over his head and his lightsaber was clipped to his belt. Ten seconds later, he had set the secure code on his blast doors. It wouldn’t open for you, and you would have to literally break it down to leave. The noise that would make would-- _ should _ \--be enough to make you have second thoughts. At least, he hoped it did.

Ren dismissed the incoming message from General Hux.  _ Damn _ the meetings. He didn’t have time for those now, and they wouldn’t want to face him in this mood if they knew. Instead, he slipped down a maintenance staircase, just one floor, and crossed the space to find the rooms he had set up for the Knights of Ren. Set along a singular hallway with a training room in the middle, it worked well enough for them when he required their presence onboard the  _ Steadfast. _ The door had hardly slid open wide enough before Ren was slipping in. And the Knights halted their exercises and quickly came to attention.

Vicrul tilted his head, visually pondering Ren’s mood.

“Vicrul, Ushar, I need you to go to the nearest surface and retrieve some things. Kuruk, Cardo, I have something else for you.”

*~*

You were grateful that he hadn’t bothered following you. As angry as he was, you were just as hurt. You didn’t want to say anything more you might regret, so when he left it brought you some relief. Instead of standing stiffly at the foot of the bed, the moment you heard the blast doors open and close, you allowed your emotions to envelope you. As the tears streamed down your face, you wrapped yourself in Ben’s robes and pulled up the hood. You curled into a ball in the middle of the bed and clutched this remnant to you, desperately missing Ben Solo.

  
Some hours later, you woke, puffy-eyed and stiff-muscled. You unwound and discreetly sought out Ben’s Force signature. He was still on the ship, but rather far away from you. You pulled away before he would notice your presence and left into the living space. Moving to the window, you sat facing it and cleared your mind. You felt removed from the Force in this ship, given the only living things were Force Order workers. You pushed them from your mind, focusing instead on the stars--the _life_ \--outside the window. Closing your eyes, you entered a place of meditation. After re-acclimating yourself to _actually_ living in a ship, and being away from the greenspaces you loved so much, you could feel the Force sweeping around you. You  knew there was a planet not too far from where you sat that was positively teeming with it.  _ Life, and death, the Force in balance, albeit precariously. Laughter and love. Death and despair. . . _

_ And Ben. _ Ben Solo teetering on the edge of your awareness.  _ No, _ you would not--could not--call him by his chosen name. That would be the end, if you gave in. That would truly be the death of Ben Solo, if the one person who had  _ always  _ believed in him accepted that he no longer existed.  _ Ben. . . _ across the ship, recognizing your presence and welcoming it into him. Other lifeforms moved around him, often interacting with him. One individual brewed distaste in Ben, and he allowed a flicker of a reason for  _ why _ to pass between you two. A contemptuous relationship. A superiority complex. A disapproval of Force wielders.  _ Hux _ , you concluded. A name that wasn’t foreign to you, but one you were inclined to avoid in person.

As your mind began to shift away from Ben, a desperate desire for connectivity chased after you. So you lingered against Ben in your meditative state, hearing snippets of orders being given and louder pieces of his inner thoughts. A determination to be  _ better _ than Snoke. To be properly involved in the First Order’s operations across the galaxy, despite a deep dislike for meetings. A complete dismissal of Hux’s queries as to why Ben hadn’t shown up until the afternoon.  _ “I don’t see how that is any of your business, General.” _ Combined with thoughts of you in his arms when he woke, and how he didn’t have the strength to move you because you looked so  _ peaceful. _

A secondary awareness wafted over Ben’s, and you felt him pull away with a promise to return with food, if you were willing to see him. You consented and returned to your mind, slowly bringing yourself out of your meditative state. As you opened your eyes, you thought you saw the  _ Night Buzzard _ flying by. Perhaps the Knights had been the other awareness in Ben’s mind? It didn’t truly matter, you told yourself. You got to your feet, removing Ben’s robe and then sitting on the couch to remove your boots. You weren’t going anywhere, and you had often gone barefoot around the space you held in Devaron. Retreating in the bedroom to find a place to set the robe and boots, you clenched your toes. Your socks were far too thin from constant wear to keep your feet warm enough on the cold steel of the ship. You folded the robe, setting it on a chest of drawers by the wardrobe, and set your boots off to the side where they wouldn’t be in the way. On impulse, you pulled open the drawers, finding thicker socks in the second one you looked in. You snatched up a pair and pulled them over your own, cuffing them twice.

Returning to the living space, you find tea in the cupboard and sighed happily, quickly brewing a cup. . . or three. You put your hair down, allowing the still damp waves to cascade over your shoulders. Ben’s presence grew closer as you were browsing the bookshelf, your third mug of tea warming your hands. You turned when you heard a soft  _ beep _ sound from the blast doors, and then they were swinging open and Ben walked in, mask in hand. He had been walking quickly, but he slowed when he saw you. He looked away, gesturing to the droid that had followed him in to place what seemed to be food on the counter. The droid zoomed away without a word, leaving you alone with Ben.

He made to speak, but faltered, clearing his throat.

“Are you hungry?”

You nodded, and Ben said you could eat on the couch until he had a new table ordered. This meal was a variety of fruits and some sort of protein, and you ate in silence. Ben picked at his food, only taking a small bite at random. You hoped that this wasn’t some method he used to punish himself. You wanted to say something, but your tongue was held. When you finished eating, Ben took your dishes and set them aside for a droid to take later, or at least you assumed. He then looked at you, some foreign meaning in his eyes, but then his head shot towards the door. Focusing on everything  _ other _ than Ben, you felt Knights--two?--outside of the door.

“I. . . had the Knights gather some things for you,” Ben said softly, stunning you.

You moved around to stand closer to Ben, hoping to quell some of the Knights’ negative energy. He glanced at you, but then the Knights entered. Breathing Apparatus Knight and the scythe-wielding Knight were both lugging rather large crates. Scythe-wielder’s crate was wooden with breathing holes in it, and the other’s was solid, almost like a trunk. You looked at Ben in question.

“(Y/N), this is Ushar--” Breathing Apparatus Knight “and Vicrul.” The scythe-wielder.

They tilted their heads in your direction, almost as if they. . .  _ respected _ you.

You still didn’t understand what was going on, despite the subtle increase in the living Force in the room. Ben hovered his palm at the small of your back and led you forward, first to Ushar. When you stopped, Ushar lifted the lid of the crate back to open it. Your curiosity getting the better of you, you stepped forward and peered in. Inside was an assortment of earth toned clothes, neatly folded, and at least three pairs of shoes, including soft-soled boots. A variety of other necessities were included, like undergarments (you didn’t like to think about the Knights picking those out). A bound notebook and a set of quills were in a bag separated from the clothes in the corner of the trunk. 

You turned to Ben, surprise evident on your features.

“Whatever you don’t like, I’ll have sent back. This should. . . I hope it will suffice until Kuruk and Cardo return with your belongings from Devaron.”

“You didn’t have--”

“No, I did.”

Ben was clearly uncomfortable expressing so much positive emotion in front of his Knights, so you nodded and allowed him to guide you over to whatever Vicrul had brought. This Knight removed the top of his crate completely, and your lips parted in surprise. What occupied this crate had been the source of the additional Force you had been feeling, and seeing the wide assortment of plants made you breathe easier.

“You. . . you got me a garden,” you whispered.

“Not--Not quite a garden,” Ben muttered awkwardly. “I know you’re uncomfortable in space. Their life should. . . help. . . with that.”

Slowly you turned, staring at Ben. Then, you stepped closer to him, your toes touching the tips of his boots. You slipped your arms around his back, beneath the cloak, and rested your temple against his heart.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

Ben’s strong arms wound around you, his forehead coming to meet the crown of your head. Realizing the hug had been accepted, you slipped infinitesimally closer, locking your arms more firmly around him. Ben responded in kind, nearly lifting you from the ground as his head fell to your shoulder. You could hear his breathing against you as his voice filtered into your mind.

_ I’m trying _

You brushed your hand over his shoulder blade.

_ I know _

__

*~*

__

Ren could feel his Knights’ surprise at him hugging you, but he dismissed it. They knew what you meant to him, but that didn’t mean they understood. His idea this morning to make his space more yours, too, had gone over better than he had imagined. You had changed quickly, into a longer, moss green tunic over beige leggings. Yet you kept his black socks on, and a brief thought of  _ Adorable _ snuck into his mind before he could catch it. He would add a secondary wardrobe to the order list alongside a new table, but he would consolidate the drawers so that you would have space in them. For now, Ushar moved the trunk into the bedroom.

You told him that you didn’t particularly need the Knights’ help to place the plants, until you clearly felt a flicker of disappointment float off of Vicrul. You consented rather fast, and Ren was reminded of how you never enjoyed excluding people. Vicrul spoke to you in short sentences, moving the pots to various spaces in the room. The corner of the window, opposite the bedroom, got a rather large gathering. You had paused to ask Ren if it was acceptable, first, to which he had answered you could place them anywhere you wanted. That statement had caused a few of the flowering plants to be placed in the bedroom. When you went in there to contemplate placement with Vicrul, Ushar stepped up to stand beside Ren.

“She is handling this well,” said the Knight.

“She is holding on to who I was.”

Ushar was silent for a moment.

“Master. . . permission to speak freely?” Ren looked at Ushar with narrowed eyes, but gave the man permission. “If you want her to be happy here, with you, then you might have to  _ allow _ yourself to be who she needs. . . Who she  _ wants. _ ”

Ren turned away sharply.

“She doesn’t want me.”

Ushar let out a rather undignified snort beneath his mask.

“Then you weren’t paying attention when she saw you. We could feel it in the lift, Master. Underneath the shock was  _ longing. _ ” A chuckle sounded. “Ap’lek was horrified.”

Part of Ren wished to say  _ Of course he was _ but he was reeling from the revelation. Thinking back, there  _ had _ been longing radiating off of you. . . even after you had hit him. And then you came out of the room (Vicrul trailing after you with a sense of duty mingled with  _ so many flowers _ ). You met his eyes, a small smile pulling at your lips. Contentment in the moment shifted across the open space. Ren dismissed the Knights, and they bowed to him  _ and _ to you. Confusion threatened to overtake the Contentment, but he wasn’t going to have any of that.

“Which is your favorite?” he questioned, pulling you back into your previous mindset.

You met his gaze again.

“You know that you didn’t have to do all of this,” you told him softly.

“You don’t like it?”

You could see the near anguish in his eyes, and you shook your head quickly.

“No, Ben. I--I appreciate all of this. So much. Isn’t it all just. . . a little much?”

He quipped an eyebrow.

“Do you still have very few possessions? (Y/N), that is a Jedi’s way. We. . . You never advanced from Padawan.”

Pink tinged your cheeks.

“Promise you won’t be mad?”

Suddenly ill at ease, Ren focused on you and you alone. His anxiety couldn’t ruin this peace again. So, he nodded, mentally assuring you that he would  _ try. _

You took a breath, attempted to speak, and failed. So you swallowed your own anxieties and spoke in a rush.

“Master Luke advanced me that night. I--I  _ am _ a Jedi, Ben.” He knew the surprise wasn’t kept from his face. “He said I had learned everything I needed to, and while I shouldn’t be out there finding Padawans with the Dark Side rising, I. . . I don’t know. He said it was the only thing he could do for me. I think Artoo probably told him to do it, and in a way it was. . .” You sighed. “It was another piece of you I could hold onto.”

_ Please . . . I don’t want to fight _

Your words whispered into the tumultuous thoughts of his mind as you watched him earnestly. Ren swallowed thickly, and shook his head.

_ I don’t want to either _

“I know the Jedi are flawed, Ben,” you said, surprising him further. “But aren’t we all?”

The earnestness of your expression settled his thoughts, and he nodded.

“Yes,” he acknowledged softly. “I suppose we are.”

_ One _

Your eyes fluttered closed and you breathed deeply as the Force whispered around you, and then you looked at him. You gestured to the gathering in the corner.

“Come. I’ll show you my favorite.”

With a tilt of his head in agreement, Ren followed you. He listened as you spoke of the plants. Watched as you ran your fingertips across the leaves and bundles of color. In that moment, Ren felt young again. He felt less burdened standing beside you in harmony, and when you slipped your hand into the crook of his arm, he knew he was, and forever would be, lost to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darling Ben is TRYING. ^.^  
> But don't worry. The reader isn't one to forget, even if she might forgive.


	7. Epiphanies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader and Ben reach an epiphany.

Two cycles later, the Knights Kuruk and Cardo returned with your belongings from Devaron. You had very little, so they had managed to fit it all into one crate. Other than necessities such as medicine and clothes, the one thing you had always allowed yourself to have was books. Cardo was quick to tell you that he had read a collection of short stories, told from various places in the galaxy, while they flew back to the  _ Steadfast. _ You had found this peculiar, even when you remembered that he had been the one to steal your book whilst traveling on the  _ Night Buzzard.  _

These two Knights did not stay as long as Vicrul and Ushar had, because of something-or-another Ben needed them to do. Droids had come the day before and built a wardrobe on the opposite end of the chest of drawers, so your sweaters, tunics, and Ben's robe had a place to hang. Your shoes lined up fittingly on the bottom.

You had been in the living space, contemplating where to put your books, when Ben spoke up.

"Don't you want to place your books with the others?"

You shifted your upper torso to face him, as you were presently sitting cross-legged on the floor by the crate.

"I wouldn't want to take up your space," you admitted.

Ben's brow creased, and he crouched beside the crate with your books. He lifted one, examining it, before he spoke again. 

"They're yours. The books. I've been gathering them for years."

Your lips parted in surprise.

"You. . . You've always planned on bringing me here?"

He nodded, elaborating, "Maybe not to the  _ Steadfast, _ but to me."

He always had been one to plan things in advance. . . 

"You're spoiling me, Ben," you said, your tone slightly teasing.

"I would give you the universe," he responded simply, meeting your eyes for a heartbeat before standing with five books in his hands. 

You stared after him in silent shock as he set the books on an empty shelf somewhere in the middle. Shaking yourself, you gathered four in the crook of your arm and went to set them beside the others. With the two of you transporting the books, it didn't take long, and then you were left staring at the hundreds of books.

"They should be ours," you said suddenly, and Ben looked over at you.

"What should be?"

You could tell the words 'ours' was affecting him more than you had intended. 

"The books," you replied, glancing at him. "Haven't you read any of them?"

"I've been busy," he answered flatly.

"Well," you began softly, "if I insisted on them being  _ ours, _ and not just mine, would you agree?"

"If that is what you want."

"I want you to  _ want _ to share them with me," you countered.

"All right then," he agreed.

You smiled happily, and plucked one of the ones you had off the shelf, and then took one of the ones Ben had acquired. You handed the first to Ben, who looked a bit bewildered.

"You can't be so busy that you can't take some time to sit and read with me."  _ You hoped _

"I had planned to go and train with the Knights, but. . . they can wait."

Again you smiled, grasping Ben's hand without thinking and leading him to the couch. While you sat cross-legged, Ben sat with his feet firmly on the ground. As you read, you could tell that Ben was watching you more often than he was reading. It had been something he did a lot when you were younger. In your spare time, you almost always read. If the weather was agreeable, you would sit by the river and read. And Ben would always watch you. When you asked him why he did that, once, he told you that he enjoyed seeing understanding come to you, or humor or happiness. The text you had chosen from his current collection wasn't pleasant, given it was a historical tome, but you hadn't read it before. Reaching the moment of Order 66, Ben suddenly snatched the book away.

_ "Hey!" _

"I don't want you upset."

"I'm human, Ben, not a droid." You sighed. "Besides, it's not as if this is the first I've heard of the Great Jedi Purge."

A muscle in Ben's cheek twitched.

"I can set it aside. Find something else. . . But just this once."

Ben's eyes flickered to yours, and nodded. Using the Force, Ben guided the book back into its space and pulled another title back to you. This happened to be a collection of poetry, and the unease around Ben's aura faded.

_ You're okay _

_ As long as you're here _

*~*

Ben returned energized from his training session with the Knights. He disappeared into the 'fresher after saying 'hello' to you (and thank stars for that! he was a bit sweaty). You set the dinner trays that the droid had brought in on the new table, and then went back to the bookcase to find something to read until Ben came out for dinner. Absent-mindedly, you spun a lock of your hair around your index finger as you searched.

Innumerable emotions swelled in the air, and you turned to find Ben standing at the edge of the bookcase. His hair was damp, hanging loosely over his shoulders. A black, pullover sweater you had yet to see him in joined especially casual pants. 

Suddenly, a peculiar, overwhelming coyness filled the space. Outwardly, Ben seemed serious. You were curious. Ben took the final steps toward you, and you adjusted your stance so your whole self was facing him. Ben's seriousness vanished the moment his hands fell to your hips. Your breath shuttered at the quirk to his mouth and how his pupils were blown. He stepped forward, ushering you back, and the moment before your back hit the bookshelf, Ben's grip tightened on your hip bones. Subconsciously, your hands came to press against his ribcage. 

_ What are you doing _

_ I miss you _

Your thoughts flickered between  _ Where did this come from _ to  _ Oh my stars _ . A deep chuckle thundered in your mind. Oh, he was  _ teasing you. . . _

"Ben," you whispered. 

His fingers twitched against you, and he murmured your name in a tone that made you shiver. 

"You could always get whatever you wanted from me when we were children, simply by  _ asking. _ . ." It shouldn't have been possible, but his voice lowered even more. "Now I. . . I need something."

_ Oh my stars, _ you thought, even your mental voice breathless. 

"What--Ben, you just need to ask."

_ I want us to be as we were _

Your breath shook. You remembered how you and Ben had been:  _ vividly. _ How he had cornered you, much like he had now, when you were both away from the Temple for the first time. What you had been sent to retrieve had left you both with welts and bruises, and it depleted much of your energy to soothe Ben afterwards. But it had caused something in Ben to come undone, and he--

So you slipped your right hand up, trailing lightly up Ben's chest, across his heart and over his collar bone. Ben sucked in his breath as your fingertips brushed against his neck. His body practically vibrated with energy as you strung your fingers through his soft dark locks. You brushed your fingers against his scalp, and his eyes fluttered closed. 

_Ben_

With a groan, his head bowed and his damp hair tickled your skin. 

Desperate, thick longing wound around you, and you weren't sure w ho it was originating from. Ben only heightened it by tilting his head and pressing his full lips to your neck. You shuttered, gasping and tightening your hold in his hair. Ben's right hand tightened on your hip as the left eased to your jaw, lifting it and tilting it to the side. Another kiss fell upon your neck. Ben slowly kissed his way across your jaw, pausing only when he reached the corner of your mouth. 

And then he pulled away, his yearning eyes searching yours. And,  _ oh. . .  _ did you miss him, too.

With your hand still in his hair, you pulled Ben back to you and crashed your lips against his. In seconds your arms were locked around his sturdy body. You arched up on your tiptoes as Ben tilted his head to the side, kissing you with abandon. A low growl resounded deep in his chest as thoughts of  _ Mine _ filtered through your bond. 

Teeth pressed against your bottom lip and you quickly granted him access. Ben's tongue assaulted yours despite your own hunt for dominance in this. And in a moment you were in his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist. With one arm wound around your waist, the other slipped through your hair and gripped it tightly. Your breath came in wild gasps as Ben sank to sit on the couch, and you straddled him. Ben pressed open-mouthed kisses to your jaw before his tongue lavished your neck, sucking and biting and dragging tiny moans and whimpers from your lips. 

Desperately, you grabbed Ben's face between your hands and pulled his lips back to yours. Your heart swelled with euphoria and epiphanies. Ben's hands were far from stationary, brushing against your sides, your legs, and your back. You could hardly do more than cling to him as you continued to kiss him recklessly.

A sharp knock on the blast door startled you, but Ben growled and pulled you back to him. 

_ Stay _

The knock turned into a pounding, fist against steel, and Ben tilted his head with pure discontent on his face. You didn't move your eyes from Ben until his eyes flickered back to yours. He gently brushed your hair behind your ear, and then maneuvered you off of him, standing. 

"Who is it?" you asked, your voice wrecked.

"Hux," Ben grumbled. "Stay on the couch. He won't be able to see you."

Nodding absently, you shifted so that you could watch Ben go to the door. After a series of beeps, the door swung open.

_ "What?" _ he growled.

"Supreme Leader, you are needed on the bridge. We've been trying to contact you, but--"

"I was otherwise occupied. What is so urgent that  _ you _ came?"

Disdain wafted off of the First Order General, and you grimaced.

"The Resistance are attacking the fleet," he said viciously. 

Every positive emotion vanished from Ben's aura, causing a chill to race down your spine. When you attempted to reach out to him, he had already blocked you out. Suddenly Ben was standing before you again, dressed into his  _ Kylo Ren _ attire. The mask was held in his left hand as he looked down at you. You were a bit startled that you had lost yourself for such an extended period of time.

"I have to go," Ben told you. "I'm. . . I have to go."

You nodded, but you felt crestfallen. Which version of Ben was going to return to you when this was over? 

Leaning up and pressing your knees to the couch, you took Ben's face in your hands and kissed his forehead.

"Be safe," you whispered. 

Nodding, Ben turned and slipped the mask on before heading out the door. You were left alone again.

__

Your appetite lost, you set the trays into the cooler for later consumption, and then you returned to curl up on the couch with something to read. Two pages in, you felt a disturbance.

_ cold _

You head swiveled to face the door when it slid open, and three Knights wandered in.  You sat up straight, watching Vicrul, Cardo, and Ushar in confusion. They set their weapons by the door and, to your horror, they dropped to a knee.

“Lady Ren,” they intoned.

_ Absolutely not, _ you thought, getting to your feet.

“Please don’t do that. There is absolutely no reason to refer to me as--”

They stood.

“Master Ren insists, Mistress,” Vicrul said.

You huffed, muttering, “We’ll see.”

A laugh emitted from beneath Cardo’s mask.

“Master Ren also instructed us to make sure you eat,  _ Lady Ren, _ ” Ushar mentioned, heading over to the cooler. Ignoring your protests of  _ “I’m not hungry” _ , he showed an oddly domestic side and reheated your dinner before setting it at the table beside a glass of water. 

“This is ridiculous,” you told them. “Why are you even here?”

“The Resistance is attacking, didn’t you hear?” Cardo queried from before the bookshelf.

“And? I’m no threat to them.”

“Mistress, sit and eat and we will answer your questions as best as we can,” Vicrul bartered.

You stared down the visor, but he made no signs of relenting. And truly: you wanted answers. So you went and sat at the table, eating a few bites and washing it down with water. The Knights didn’t sit, but stood around the table. You looked up at them.

“Why did he send you here, despite me not being a threat to the Resistance?”

“You are. . . affiliated with Master Ren, Mistress,” answered Vicrul, causing you to shake your head.

“I am  _ not _ tied to the Dark Side, though.”

“Eat,” insisted Ushar, and you did with a huff

Three bites, water, annoy the Knights into answering your questions.

“Ben knows I am perfectly capable of defending myself. If the Resistance somehow managed to get onboard, and then they managed to find me, they wouldn’t be able to hurt me.”

“ _ Stars, _ Lady Ren,” laughed Cardo. “You’re  _ his. _ If those rebels found you and found that out--and they would, you’re in his room--then they would use you against him.”

Your brain reeling from being called  _ his _ , you took a moment to process what Cardo meant by the Resistance, or anyone for that matter, using you against Ben. You ate some more to formulate your question.

“So you are here on the  _ rare _ chance the Resistance would get on board and find me, and I wouldn’t be able to protect myself, so they would take me and use me as leverage to make Ben do whatever they want?”

Three firm nods answered you, and you sighed. Thinking, you ran your fingers through your hair.

“He’s always been protective,” you murmured, mostly to yourself.

“May the Force be with any fool who stands between him and you,” muttered Ushar. “He cut Snoke in half for even threatening you.”

When your head snapped up, Vicrul punched Ushar’s arm with enough force to send his brother teetering.

_ “Excuse me?” _ you gasped, getting to your feet. Unease filtered from the Knights. “He--He said that he killed Snoke, but he. . . he cut him in  _ half? _ ”

When they stood in silence, you snatched up a root vegetable and purposefully ate it, crossing your arms. Cardo snickered again.

“Yes,” admitted Vicrul. “And then he killed the Praetorian Guards.”

“Then met us on Batuu and told us to go and find you,” Cardo added.

Appetite lost again--not because you hadn’t known what Ben was capable of, but because the Knights said it so simply. You shook your head to clear your thoughts.

“I assume you’re going to be here until Ben gets back?”

They nodded again. You sighed, busying yourself with your dishes. You had to brush Ushar off when he made to grab them.

“Feel free to read any of the books. I’m going to bed.”

You didn’t miss the masks turning in to face the others.

“Sleep well, Lady Ren,” said Ushar.

“We will be here if you need anything, Mistress,” uttered Vicrul.

Cardo bowed to you and you disappeared into the bedroom, changing quickly and brushing your teeth before putting out the lights. For the first time, you fell asleep in the middle of the bed, clutching an extra pillow to your chest.

Some time later, you half awoke to find Ben brushing your hair back from your face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

_ You’re safe _

He sank to his back, immediately pulling you to him.

“Yes. Go back to sleep, (Y/N). I’ll be here when you wake.”

With a sleepy sigh, you shifted your ankle over Ben’s, as if to keep him there with you.

_ Ben . . . I miss you too _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love sweet Ben, but how will Reader handle the Knights' revelations around him?


	8. An Invisible Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader worries about what she overhears during one of Ben/Kylo's meetings.

For the fourth morning in a row, you woke curled against Ben. He was already awake, and he was trailing his fingers across your back.

"Morning."

"Hi," you whispered back, shifting so you could see his face, by pressing your chin to his chest. "Did. . . everything. . . Um. Are you okay?"

Ben nodded.

"No losses. . . on our side. Though many of them got away." His brows creased as he studied you. "I know you don't approve."

"I just want you to be safe." You sat up. " _What_ , though, was with you sending your Knights to look after me? You know I'm perfectly--"

"You are more than capable, (Y/N). I simply do not trust the Resistance with the knowledge of you."

Thoughts and memories of Leia Organa slipped through your bond before you could stop them. You flinched at the look on Ben's face, and he quickly spun to rest his legs over the edge of the bed.

Attempting to soothe him, you said softly, "Ben, I understand that you do not want your enemies knowing about me. Even if I. . . don't exactly agree with who your enemies are."

"I don't want to talk about her," Ben said stiffly.

You nodded at his back. Then, you moved to sit beside him.

"I do have a question about the Knights."

"I trust them with you," he responded quickly. 

"I know you do, but. . . when they came in, they. . . I. . . _Stars, Ben._ Why did they bend a knee and call me 'Lady Ren'?" you fussed.

He looked at you, and the gold flecks in his eyes were especially prominent.

"Because I told them to show you the same respect that they show me."

You sighed. How were you to explain to Ben that you were opposed to the name _Ren_ , but not to him? How were you supposed to explain that being called 'Mistress' by individuals loyal to the Dark Side made you uncomfortable?

Ben uttered your name, causing you to sigh again, this time in realization that you should just tell him.

"I am not their mistress, Ben. If they need to speak to me, my given name is perfectly acceptable."

"It's the _Ren_ , isn't it? You don't want to be tied to that name?" You could feel Ben's resentment rising, and you quickly grasped his hands.

_"Listen to me._ Okay? Just listen. I have been tied to you since that day on Naboo. It was always you and me. I--You were my whole world, Ben, and then you. . . I thought you died. And to protect myself, I locked that piece of me away. Now, I--I am relearning you. Me not wanting to be called Lady Ren has nothing to do with you, but it does have to do with the fact that the name Ren is affiliated with the Dark Side and that makes me uneasy."

He stared at you for a very long while in silence, but you could still pick up bits and pieces of what he was feeling and thinking in the meantime. If you were reading him correctly, he was understanding your issue with this.

"All right." Your lips parted slightly in surprise. "So long as they can call you Lady (Y/N) without protest."

"I think I can be okay with that."

The resentment in him fading, Ben leaned forward to kiss your forehead. 

"I do have meetings all this morning. I've already ordered you breakfast, and if the meetings go over, I'll send lunch."

"All right."

After Ben left, you showered and dressed. One thing you had noticed about the clothes the Knights had picked up was the quality of them. You had about seven outfits and had worn any softness out of them over the years. These new clothes, however, couldn't have been cheap; the thread count alone would have been enough to raise the price. Even the colors seemed richer. It hadn't been a battle you were willing to start with Ben, so you kept the musings to yourself.

You ate your breakfast, which came with hot tea, before moving to your spot in front of the window. Meditation after breakfast had become your ritual, as you enjoyed a schedule. You had something similar on Devaron, which included running a training course twice a week through the jungle. Asking Ben for your lightsaber back was something you had been building up the courage to do the last two days. You weren't much more of a threat _with_ it than you were _without,_ you reasoned. You had always preferred to utilize the Force when Master Luke gave the option in training.

You shook out your hands and rolled your shoulders, and straightened your back. You focused on the great expanse of stars before you for a few minutes, before letting your eyes fall closed.

Ben must have been seeking you out, because it wasn't long before his consciousness brushed against yours. You presumed that the meeting he was in was either dreadfully boring or it was aggravating him. Either way, you opened the connection and let Ben in.

"Supreme Leader, we must make a decision about whether we are to retaliate against the Resistance for their recent attack," came the voice of General Hux.

Ben rolled his eyes beneath the mask.

"I do not see the point in wasting our resources for something so pointless," Ben said, his voice warped by the mask. "We will cross paths with them again, and this time I have been assured that they will not have the element of surprise."

Through Ben, you could sense Hux's disapproval and his thirst for bloodshed. A brief glimmer of sight showed the orange-haired man sitting a few seats from Ben, looking rather prissy.

Ben mentally chuckled at your thought.

"Parandee, what of the scouting mission to Devaron?"

Your heart skipped a beat before Ben could attempt to soothe you. A spirit of his hand came to press against yours, grasping at it.

"It has gone rather well, sir. Ambassadors to the planet's leadership inform me that they are willing to negotiate terms. There are almost ninety-nine million inhabitants, sir, mostly Devaronese. I have learned that it is a matriarchal society, and thus the leadership. . ." The woman faltered, looking down.

"Go on," Ben instructed.

"What I mean to say, sir, is that the fe--Devaron's leadership will offer no opposition to turning over some of their goods in exchange for protection from the First Order."

Ben was silent, staring at the woman. 

"Good. And I do agree that the ease of transition will be benefited by their female leadership, Parandee. See to it that the ambassadors understand this, and then send in the troopers."

You could sense ease from the general, but you quickly extracted yourself from Ben's mind. The thrust of your consciousness made you lose your focus, collapsing to the floor and gasping for breath. You couldn't believe it. Why Devaron? The locals didn't even _know_ about you, so they most certainly were not _hiding you._

You began to pace, back and forth in front of the window. Your socked feet padded the blows to your heels as you tried to make sense of this turn of events.

When an icy chill washed over you, you shook it off, not wanting to deal with any of the Knights right now. Yet despite your pacing, you could see Vicrul come in and take a knee.

"My Lady."

You halted your pacing, rounding on the kneeling Knight. You brushed off the sense your all-knowing friend was trying to give you.

"If Ben sent you here, there is no need. I'm _fine._ "

Vicrul stood.

"Clearly, Mistress. You're simply wearing a trail in the floor."

"Hardly!" You rounded the couch, stopping within arm's reach. "Do you know about Devaron? That he is instituting First Order leadership there?"

"Yes."

_"Why?"_

"Why do I _know_ , Mistress?"

Crossing your arms, you said, "You know perfectly well what reasoning I am asking for, Vicrul."

"Master Ren will explain everything to you when he is finished with his work." His head tilted to the side. "You don't seem yourself, Mistress."

"The Devaronese are _innocent._ They--"

"Were aligned with the New Republic until those traitors were reduced to space dust."

You flinched, and Vicrul went flying back. He quickly caught his balance and faced you again.

"Don't you _dare_ make light of that. Billions of people _died._ Children!" Vicrul shifted. "Even if I hadn't seen the aftermath from Devaron, I sure as the stars felt it. Did _you,_ Vicrul? Ben says you have some sensitivity to the Force, so did you feel the masses scream out in horror? Did you _feel_ the cataclysm?"

You were shaking as you questioned the Knight, who, to his benefit, was remaining silent. Yet his emotions were reeling; it was clear to you that Vicrul's self control was well-marshaled. If you had been anyone else, he wouldn't be as-- _patient._

The Force wrapped itself around you, as if it were a warm blanket. 

_Hush child_

_Peace_

Your breath shuttered as the Force worked to soothe you and end your tremors. Its whispers of _peace_ continued until they morphed into _One-Ben-Here_.

*~*

He felt your panic from across the ship and he _ran._ He had sent Vicrul to keep you company after you expelled yourself from his mental side, but what if the Knight hadn't managed to make it to you? Surely the Force would ease whatever was troubling you this much?

As he slid around one of the final corners, he ripped his gloves off and shoved them into one of his many pockets. Clearing the corner to his hallway, he nearly choked on the mental pain you were in. _Turmoil._ Sliding to a stop outside his door, he punched in the code and wrenched off his helmet, letting it fall. He raced in, seeing you standing before the couch, your shoulders hunched. Yet he could _feel_ the Force wrapping around you, so why were--

_She felt Hosnian._

Ren faltered, turning to look over his shoulder at his Knight, who was rapidly relaying a memory. Vicrul felt that he was to blame for bringing up the New Republic when you were concerned about Devaron. And you had been clearly distressed when you questioned Vicrul about whether or not he had felt Starkiller destroy the Hosnian System.

Ren nodded, dismissing Vicrul without blame. He never should have discussed Devaron with Parandee without telling you first. As he closed the space between you, bare hands falling upon your arms, Vicrul left.

_Ben -_ your mental voice whimpered.

_I'm here_

When Ren swept you into his arms, he could feel the Force cocooning you. He carried you into the room, pulling the blankets back with a crook of his fingers and setting you beneath them. Ren made quick work of removing his shoes and outer layers before sliding under the covers. He pulled you against him, doubling the cocoon the Force still had you in.

_You're all right_

"Please don't destroy Dev--"

"I have to protect them. Their allegiance to the New Republic was known, and Hux has been _itching_ to lay waste to another planet. Allying them to the First Order guarantees that won't happen."

_I don't understand_

"You chose Devaron for a reason, didn't you?"

"I remembered Eedit Temple from my readings, and. . . I could hide there. _Ben. . ._ I never encountered any of them. They never knew I was there, or if they did, they--"

Ren tightened his grip on you.

"Put that worry from your mind. Devaron and its people are safe."

You let out a shaky sigh. 

_I can't go through another cataclysm Ben It nearly destroyed me_

He pushed the memory of the Resistance destroying Starkiller across the bond to you, letting you know that the First Order didn't even have access to the weapon that destroyed Hosnian anymore.

When the tension left your body, he spoke again.

"I should have told you about my plans for Devaron earlier. Forgive me."

_Always_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Reader!


	9. Have Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader and Vicrul spend some time together.  
> Ben reveals something to Reader.

Ben stayed to eat lunch with you, his worry for your breakdown still lingering against your senses. You had stayed curled against him in bed for nearly half an hour, allowing the Force to ease you back into peace alongside his presence. You curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket Ben had procured, with a large book. Ben had all of his layers back on, save for the mask of Kylo Ren. You leaned over the back of the couch, resting your arms on the cushions and resting your chin there.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” You nodded and Ben murmured your name questioningly.

“Truly, Ben,” you assured. “I shouldn’t have let it get to me.”

Huffing, Ben crossed the space and crouched down so that his face was level with yours and he pressed his hands against your arms.

“Just the other night you told me that you feel things because you are human.”

“That was in the moment. This was two years ago.”

Sighing in aggravation, Ben told you, “I  _ want _ you to feel things, (Y/N).”

“I will when you allow yourself to,” you said gently. “I know you’re bottling up everything but the negatives, Ben.”

His grimace quickly faded into determination, and in a moment he had lifted you to be perched on the back of the couch. His strong hands locked your legs around his waist as he stood between them, before one ran up your thigh to your lower back and the other quickly weaved its way into your hair. 

The space between you grew heated as you realized Ben’s intentions, but the next moment, all logic dissipated. Ben tilted your face just  _ so _ as he molded his lips to yours. At some point, you slipped your arms around him, tightened your legs around his waist. Ben’s kisses were  _ more _ \- they were a promise. A promise of peace and a promise of security. A promise of  _ Ben Solo. _ The full, unhindered emotions swirling around the pair of you simply made you melt further into his embrace. 

_ Ben _

A firmer kiss was pressed to your lips, before he pulled his mouth from yours. Your pupils were surely just as blown as his were, for you were both sucking in air. You swept your fingers through his hair, regarding him with a fondness that made his heart weep.

_ You WRECK me _

Ben’s voice quivered inside your mind as he eased you off the back of the couch. 

“I have to go.”

“I understand. I--Ben?” He focused on you. “Can. . . Can you send Vicrul back? I need to apologize to him.”

Ben’s surprise was evident.

“He understands, (Y/N).”

“I threw him across the  _ room _ , Ben,” you sighed. “I need to apologize.”

His brow creased for a moment before he nodded.

“All right.” Then a teasing look in his eyes: “Please don’t kill him.”

You shoved him.

“ _ Not _ my plan.”

Ben’s lips quipped and he kissed you once more, saying good-bye and securing his mask on his way out the door. Not knowing when Vicrul would arrive, you grabbed the watering can that the Knights had thought to purchase and filled it, moving about the room to water each of the plants. You had just set the empty watering can back in the cupboard and were heading back to the couch when you heard the door open. You turned, curious, yet sure enough, there was Vicrul. Silent, he dropped to his knee six feet from you.

“Mistress. Master Ren instructed me to keep you company for the time being.”

Even through the mask, you could tell that Vicrul was uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to kneel, Vicrul,” you told him softly. You fidgeted with your hands in an attempt not to cross your arms.

The Knight got to his feet, his mask facing you.

“Vicrul. . . I need to apologize for my behavior earlier.”

Shock lingered against him.

“You did nothing wrong, Mistress. I should not have provoked you.”

“I lost my senses. This place puts me ill at ease, but that is no excuse to throw you across the room. I hope you will accept my apology.”

After a bit, Vicrul tilted his head.

“Of course, Mistress. So long as you forgive me for bringing up such things.”

You nodded once.

“Apology accepted.”

Vicrul's own anxiety seemed to fade. Before more could be said, the Force nudged you. Peculiarly, you felt as if you could  _ trust _ this Knight of Ren. So, you acted on that feeling. 

"Would you like some tea, Vicrul? Or caf? I think I saw some in the cupboard yesterday."

Again the Knight was surprised. 

"You don't need to do that, Mistress."

You gently shrugged your shoulders, moving to make yourself a cup of tea.

"I know Ben wants me to trust you."

"Yet you don't," Vicrul surmised, moving forward to fetch the caf. 

You handed him a mug and corrected, "I don't  _ know you _ . At least. . . All I know is that you and the other Knights are loyal to the Dark Side. I think Cardo likes to read, but that's only context clues."

"We are loyal to Master Ren, and by proxy, to you."

You glanced up at the mask.

"How does that even work? Being at  _ all  _ loyal to me?"

He returned your glance, but then finished making the cup or caf. You stood, silent and waiting, with your hands wrapped around the mug of tea.

"You know that we know very little about you, either, Mistress. Only that you trained with Skywalker, and are tied to the Light Side of the Force."

"Ben hasn't told you anything?" you asked, a bit perplexed.

"No," the Knight answered simply, picking up his mug.

You hummed, curious. Thinking back to when you first encountered the Knights on Devaron, they  _ did _ seem wary of you in a that way Vicrul's explanation would explain. The Dark Side had never enticed you, and the temptations had faded before you had even met Ben and Master Luke. Your old Master had commented on that once, during a private training session.

_ "Your connection to the Light exceeds everything I have ever hoped to find in a pupil, (Y/N). That you have such raw strength in the Force can only heighten it." _

"If I answer your questions, will you answer mine?" you queried.

Curiosity flared and Vicrul nodded.

"I think we can make that work, Mistress."

Nodding, as well, you asked the Knight if he would prefer sitting at the table or on the couch. As a result, you sat on opposite ends of the couch, and a slight hissing noise, like steam being released, sounded from his side. Startled, you looked over to see Vicrul lifting off his mask.  _ (Why it startled you, you were not sure, because he had to drink the caf somehow.) _

You took the Knight of Ren in. Vicrul had a mess of rust-colored hair above dark eyebrows and emerald green eyes--eyes offset by the dark circles beneath them. A scattering of scars marked his olive-colored skin, which would he flawless otherwise. He looked at you after sipping some caf.

"Likely not what you were expecting," he mused. His real voice wasn't nearly as harsh as it sounded beneath the mask, though still not quite what you would call soft.

"I haven't really given much thought to what you all look like behind your masks."

"Hm. You aren't what we were expecting, either, Mistress."

"Because I didn't fight back?"

He nodded, adding, "It's good you didn't. There was a debate about how we would subdue you without causing you harm."

You nodded vaguely, having wondered that yourself after they said they couldn't harm you. Even when being pushed forward, it had been more of a nudge.

"You wanted to know how we can be loyal to you," he reiterated.

"Yes."

"It isn't as complicated as you might think it is, Mistress. The loyalty we will show you is just different from the loyalty we show Master Ren. We would kill for you, and die for you, and we wouldn't do either of these things lightly. Anyone who hurts you, we would tear apart. That  _ includes _ each other. Which is why we stepped in when Ap'lek was being pissy. Our line is only drawn if it is. . . Master Ren who hurts you." You quickly shoved the notion from your mind. "While we would kill and die for Master Ren, too, his commands we execute without question. When he tells us to do something, we do it. While the same mostly remains true for you, there are limits. We wouldn't help you leave, and we wouldn't  _ stop _ doing something you disagree with if you asked us to. We have always been familiar with the Dark Side, since before the original Ren found any of us. That isn't going to change, just as nothing would pull you from the Light."

You sat quietly for a moment, drinking your tea, as you contemplated the Knights' loyalty. It made sense: you had known that Ben had ordered the Knights to protect you, yet that their loyalty was to the Dark Side. You also wouldn't even have thought to ask them-- _ order them-- _ to do something. You figured that the most severe difference was in  _ how _ the Knights would go about maintaining their loyalty to you.

So, you told Vicrul that you understood. 

"How did you and Master Ren meet?"

You almost asked why that was his first question for you, before you remembered that Ben hadn't told the Knights much of anything. 

"We met on Naboo as children. I was laying in the fields after classes, and--and I told the Force that I was tired of being alone." A smile tugged at your lips. "The  _ very _ next moment, Ben was standing over me. The Force spoke to us,  _ through us, _ for the first time. And then Ben said I wouldn't have to be alone anymore."

Vicrul's brow creased. 

"The Force spoke to you  _ both _ the day you met? About each other?"

"It was much faster than that, Vicrul. It was the very first moment."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"I've never heard of something like that before."

Shifting your feet beneath you, you shrugged.

"No, I--I always knew that what Ben and I have is special."

Vicrul's emerald eyes studied you.

"I see that now." He straightened up. "Your turn, Mistress."

You and Vicrul carried on, alternating asking questions, for over an hour. You gained some understanding about the Knights, who were far more human than you had expected. While you still had your qualms about their affiliation with the Dark Side-and you always would-it wasn't the. . .  _ end all _ that it had been earlier in the day. 

After a stretch of silence, your back straightened and you looked at the door. Vicrul had his mask back on before you knew it. He said he could feel the physical change in you when Ben was closer, which gave you even more to think about. When he came in, Ben dismissed Vicrul before he even had his mask off. Ben's energy was everywhere, so Vicrul wished you well and disappeared out the door. Curious, and a bit concerned, you walked over to Ben, his mask now discarded on the floor. You tried reading him, but he didn't settle in one place too long.

"Ben, what's wrong?"

In lieu of responding, Ben swept you into his arms and kissed you. Standing on your tallest tiptoes and wrapping your arms around him, Ben kissed you ardently. The deeper his kissing became, the more his feelings settled, and it ended up being purely  _ you _ . His thoughts were consumed by you, and yours by him. 

You shivered, clinging to him. When Ben lifted you into his arms, your thoughts flickered with longing, causing him to groan against your mouth. Your back hit the couch and Ben lingered over you, running his hand up your side and along your thighs, increasing the heat. Angling his head, Ben pressed open-mouthed kisses to your neck. A soft nip of teeth caused you to gasp and arch your back, leaning further into Ben's solid form. He groaned once more, deeper in his chest. You gasped his name. . .

And he looked at you.

"I missed you," he murmured huskily. "Ever since I left, I--could think of little else but you."

You raised your hand, brushing his hair back from his face, and then you pressed your palm to his cheek.

"I'm still here, Ben."

Nodding, still breathless, Ben shifted the two of you on the couch. Your back was against the cushions, and Ben's to the couch where yours had just been. The limited space caused you to rest your head on his chest, and your legs to be intertwined with his. Ben ran his fingers up and down your back.

_ I won’t leave you Ben _

His hand stalled.

_ I know you worry that I am going to leave I won’t So long as I still have you Ben I will not abandon you again _

He took a deep breath, his fingers starting up again against your back.

_ You don’t know what it means to me To have you here I . . . feel it more strongly when I am with you _

Your brow creased.

_ Feel what _

For nearly a minute, Ben was silent. Conflict raged inside of him up until the moment you took his hand.

_ The call to the Light _

Your heart raced, bursting with euphoria. 

_ Ben I . . . know this can’t be easy for you _

_ I can’t show my weaknesses Not here Not with the Generals breathing down my neck Not when-- _

_ The Knights _

“Yes,” he whispered out loud. “They would sense the conflict. They’d sense. . . the  _ Light _ .”

“Stay with me,” you whispered, tilting your head up to meet his eyes. “Ben, I  _ will _ help you, no matter what. I can be more outward with my Force perceptions to distract from what is stirring inside of you. I will always,  _ always _ have your back, Ben Solo.”

His hand shook against your face.

“I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

You pressed your palm to the back of his hand.

“I believe in you more than I have ever believed in anything. The Force bound us together that day on Naboo for a reason, Ben. Haven’t you ever wondered what that was?”

He swallowed thickly, almost nervously.

“Every single day.”

You tightened your grip on him.

“Then let’s figure it out. You and me, together.”

Resolution took hold in Ben.

_ One _

You held your breaths.

“Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well. . . What will happen now?


	10. Of Space Dust and Wildflowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader joins Ben in training but a vision sets off a series of events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter clocks in at over 4,000 words. Happy reading!

You had been on the  _ Steadfast _ for a fortnight, and it had only taken ten days for the Light Side to rise back up in Ben. Part of you was pleased but you knew that you couldn't get your hopes up. The risk of failure was too great, and you knew from experience how losing Ben Solo felt. Truly losing him to the Dark Side would hurt just as much. So, no: you wouldn't get your hopes up. 

For the last few days, Ben had been joining you when you meditated more often. You had been waking earlier to accommodate his schedule, and on half the days so far, you both meditated before bed. Ben's sleep schedule had never been something to emulate, but he tended to follow you when you would climb into bed. Whether he fell asleep quickly or not, he at least had to be still. You decided to give it a few more days before asking him if his sleep had at all improved.

After your shared meditation one morning, Ben disappeared into one of the doors that remained locked. Curious as you were, you knew Ben would tell you what was behind the doors when he was ready, so you kept your inquiries to yourself. Yet this morning, Ben returned from that mysterious room with none other than your lightsaber in his hand. You thought you wouldn’t see it again, and you suddenly longed for it. You crossed the space to Ben, who wordlessly extended the hilt to you. As you took the hilt in hand, you stepped back and thumbed the ignition. Your green blade hummed to life, illuminating you and, to a lesser extent, Ben. You gave it a few twists to relieve the slight kink in your dominant wrist, but then you extinguished the blade.

“Why are you giving this back to me?” you queried.

“Don’t you want it?” asked Ben, looking at you curiously.

“Of course I do, I’m just a bit surprised.”

“I only kept it from you because I. . .” Ben faltered.

“You didn’t know where my mind was. I know.” Ben nodded. “So why now?”

"I want you to come train with me."

You raised your eyebrow.

"You're kidding." Ben smirked at you. "You're  _ serious?" _

"I've been wondering what six years of solitude has done to your capabilities."

"Absolutely nothing. Simply because I was always planning on coming to  _ you _ without a fight doesn't mean I wasn't prepared for anyone else. I may have. . . felled a few trees."

Ben chuckled.

"All right then. Prove it to me."

_ "Where?  _ Here?"

"No," Ben scoffed. "There's a training room between the Knights' quarters."

You stilled for a moment before sighing with a slight roll of your eyes.

"Oh, I see. The  _ Knights _ don't think I'm capable."

Ben's smirk deepened.

"Let's prove them wrong."

After Ben had snuck you outside his room, down a hall, and down a flight of stairs, you had shivered. You knew instinctively that this dark corner of the ship belonged to the Knights. Six doors lay separated on either end of a large, open space. There were no training mats, but durasteel flooring, and there were more weapons than you had ever seen before in one place against the opposite wall.

The Knights had been waiting, spread out against the walls. You could sense their eagerness when you came into the room, Ben at your side. 

_ Told you _

_ Not now (Y/N) _

You looked at Ben, and he set his cloak and mask on a shelf by the door.

"You know the rules," Ben said aloud. 

"Yes, Master," replied the six Knights.

_ Rules _

_ They aren't to engage It's just you and me _

You couldn't help but smile at Ben as you unclipped your lightsaber. 

_ Just like old times _

Ben's--  _ okay, Kylo's--  _ crossguard lightsaber ignited the exact moment yours did. You set your paces, circling each other. As children, you and Ben had often practiced your lightsaber techniques against one another, because no one but Master Luke could match you. As Ben pivoted towards you, the red blade raised, you settled yourself into the present and seamlessly blocked his strike. The disconnected hum of the red saber thrummed in the back of your consciousness as you and Ben danced across the space. Each strike was met flawlessly by the other. You could see the excitement in Ben's eyes and he began to move faster. His movements grew more fluid, as did yours to meet his. You weren't sure how long the dance had been going when your blades connected and the hilts clanked. Ben pressed forward, forcing you to arch your back instinctually. 

"Do you cede?" he asked breathlessly. 

You pulled your gaze from the blades to meet his eyes, and you grinned.

"Never."

A brief pull of Ben's grow was all you caught before you tugged the Force forward into you. Letting your left hand slip from your own lightsaber, it caught beneath the crossguard of Ben's and you shoved your arms forward. With the Force fueling you, you easily maintained a grip on your lightsaber as well as his. Ben, in the same moment, somersaulted backwards. He landed as effortlessly as you had known he would, head flicking up to take you in. 

*~*

He hadn’t been taking it easy on you, but you never lost your footing. More than once you had almost gotten the upper hand (and so had he), only for the tides to shift again. The Knights were having trouble keeping their thoughts to themselves--they were impressed with you, and rightly so. He knew you wouldn't have allowed your skills to waver, that you would never allow yourself to be vulnerable. And as he looked up at you now--one lightsaber in each hand--he was undeniably blown away by you.

Chest heaving, you grinned at him.

_Told_ _you_

He smirked contentedly, getting to his feet and accepting his extinguished lightsaber. You clipped yours back to your belt, turning, as he did, to the Knights. 

_ ache _

Ben dropped his saber as he spun to catch you in his arms. You cried out in pain, hands clutching at your head--but only for a moment. You went completely still, your eyes unfocused and dull. He lowered you to the ground, clutching you to him. 

He could feel the Knights surrounding them both protectively.  _ Anxiously. _ Before any of them could ask aloud, he spoke.

"She's having a vision. The Force--it takes over her mind. She isn't. . .  _ here _ ."

Even Ap'lek felt uneasy.

"How long?" asked Vicrul, as Cardo questioned, "What will she need?" and Ushar shoved Trugden to gather one of his many pillows in case you were out for a while.  _ ("She needs to rest her head!") _

"They never last the same amount of time. It. . . depends on what she is being shown." The Knights nodded. "She will likely be disoriented. You won't want to be so close to her."

Nodding, the Knights took several steps back, but they remained on edge. Trugden came back with two of his best pillows, approaching only when Ben nodded at him. One pillow rested beneath your knees, the other on Ben's bent legs before he rested your head on it. Yet he didn't release you. He knew you hated being alone after these incidents, and mentally, he kicked himself. How many visions had you endured during the six years you were apart? Who had cared for you then? The unpleasant notion of  _ no one _ invaded his mind until he shoved it aside. 

He stroked your head, pulling the elastic from the end of your braid and undoing it single-handedly. Your hair fell in soft, partly damp waves around your face. You wouldn't remember any of this, despite your eyes staring forward. 

Fifteen minutes after you fell into the vision, you blinked, and Ben angled his face to be the only thing in your line of sight. 

"(Y/N)," he crooned aloud, then, grateful that the bond had opened back up:

_ You're all right You are safe _

Your breath came in gasps and you jolted upright, wide eyes taking in your surroundings. You locked your hand in his, angling your body closer.

"How long?" you asked hoarsely.

"Fifteen minutes, at most," he told you, smoothing your hair back. He remembered how it always used to soothe you when he played with your hair. "What did you see?"

Your grip tightened on his hand. 

_ Can we . . . Alone _

Nodding quickly, Ben got to his feet and locked his hands against your arms. He pulled you up to stand and steadied you when it was clear your head had spun. You leaned against him, your brow creased and a frown tugging at your lips. Before the desire to know became too great, he focused on the matter at hand. Getting you back to your quarters. Ben threw his hand to the side and summoned his lightsaber, affixing it to his belt.

_ Allow them to accompany us until we reach the room To keep you shielded _

You nodded, and Ben instructed the Knights to join you. Kuruk tucked Ben's cloak and mask under his arm, listening as his Master asked his Mistress if you could walk. You told him that you could, but you kept your grasp on his arm. The Knights encircled you until you were on the staircase, where you all had to walk in pairs. The protective circle was immediately reimplemented in the (thankfully) empty hall. Vicrul entered the code to the room, and then cleared it. Kuruk set the cloak and mask by the blast door before the Knights were once again dismissed.

*~*

Your mind was reeling from what the Force had shown you, and you know Ben was equally concerned. His visions had always come in his sleep, and they had never disoriented him as they did you. Master Luke had never been able to give you an answer as to why that was.

Ben murmured your name, regaining your attention before leading you to the couch. He wrapped you in a blanket, and you tucked yourself against his side. His strong arms wrapped around you, securing you.

"What did you see?" he asked again.

Peeking at his face, you sighed and opened your mind to him.

You were in shock, collapsed on a floor in a room even Ben didn't recognize. Vicrul and Cardo were standing protectively on either side of you, weapons in hand, and all three were looking ahead. Yet the Force didn't show you what you would see, it only had you  _ feel.  _ You could feel anger boiling over in him, filling the small space with the Dark Side. His voice had burst through your shock. Demands of  _ "how dare you?!" _ ricocheting. You soul wept, unable to reach him through the enmity. Pain twinged through your side, causing  _ this _ you to whimper. Ben seethed,  _ "I will kill you for this" _ and there was a resounding  _ thud. _ And then he was dropping to his knees in front of you, grasping your face between his bloodied hands. His rage instantaneously morphed into agonized regret as his lips formed your name. . .

Ben quickly averted his gaze to the window.

"Ben," you whispered. 

He shook his head, closing his eyes tightly and taking several deep breaths. You worked to soothe him.

"Do you have  _ any _ idea who it is?"

You shook your head now.

"I showed you everything. I--I don’t think it was one of the Knights, though.”

A nerve in Ben’s cheek twitched irritably.

“No, I would see the intention to harm you in their heads, and then I would  _ remove _ their head.”

“Ben,” you wearied.

He looked at you again.

“I would have killed anyone who hurt you when we were  _ children, _ (Y/N). Now I just wouldn’t hesitate.”

Knowing this was true, you curled back into Ben’s side, tucking your legs across his. His left hand came to rest on your thighs.

You softly pleaded, “Please don’t react preemptively. You know these things aren’t set in stone. We don’t know  _ what _ causes those events, or who enacts them.”

His left hand flinched.

“I have to protect you.”

“And you will. Just don’t go  _ looking _ for trouble, Ben. That is when it comes.”

Sighing, Ben leaned down and pressed a sturdy kiss to the top of your head.

_ I will keep you safe _

  
  


Ben didn’t leave for the rest of the day, bitterly telling Hux over a holo that  _ why _ was none of his business. After you drank a glass and a half of water, you wandered into the ‘fresher to wash your face and change out of the training clothes. In your distracted state, you found that you had forgotten to grab a top, so you went into the bedroom in just your tank and leggings. Ben was sitting on the end of the bed-- he had also changed-- and he raised an eyebrow. When you told him that you had forgotten a proper top, he stood, going to his wardrobe and rummaging off to the side. He turned around as you reached him, extending a black, pullover sweater. You took it from him and slipped it on, finding it completely dwarfed your torso and fell to your thigh. 

_ I like you in my clothes _

Far too tired to stop it, you blushed, and Ben’s crooked smile beamed at you. He slipped his hand into yours, taking you back out to the couch. As he went about making tea and ordering lunch, you toyed with the hems on the endearing sweater. You had had to push the arms up to bundle at your elbows, and as you did so, you found that it smelt exactly how you had always remembered Ben to smell.  _ “Like pine and space dust,” _ you had told him when you were thirteen.  _ “And you’re a wildflower,” _ he’d responded.

“That hasn’t changed,” he announced gently, handing you your mug.

In one fluid movement, Ben sat beside you and slipped his free hand beneath your legs, setting them atop his again.

“Are you eavesdropping?”

He shook his head.

“No. Your mind is just very open to me right now. I can hear everything.” He met your (e/c) eyes. “It was always like that when we were young.”

You nodded in remembrance. Sometimes, you fellow apprentices picked up on a stray thought or two after you came out of stasis if you weren’t careful, but Ben had always been able to read you like an open book. Given the degree of trust you had in him, it had never bothered you. Nor did it now, but you would have to school your thoughts until your mental shields rebuilt themselves.

“You don’t trust me with your thoughts anymore?” Ben asked, sounding hurt.

“I never thought that. And you know I trust you, Ben.” You eased up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I do like my privacy, though. And--I was alone for six years. I’m still getting used to being around people.”

Ben frowned.

“How did you manage? You hate being alone.” You shrugged, studying your tea after drinking some. “(Y/N)?”

“I didn’t know that Kylo Ren was you, remember. All I had were the visions and the stories from that first year, and after I went to Devaron, I knew I  _ had _ to be alone. I still had the Force, and we spoke like we did when I was young and alone on Naboo. It kept me sane.”

“And the visions? (Y/N), they’ve always disoriented you. How--”

“I managed. I had to. I did hit my leg once, but--”

_ “What?” _ he exclaimed, shifting suddenly so he was facing you.

You set your mug on the floor by the couch and rolled up the stretch of leggings on your right leg. Above your knee was a rather ragged scar, stretching the length of the joint before diving down for about half an inch. Ben, having abandoned his mug on the floor, hesitantly ran his fingers along the scar.

“I’m fine,” you swore. “It was three years ago.”

“Why did you scar? There are ways to prevent--”

“I only had a limited amount of bacta, Ben. I didn’t want to waste it.”

Resentment rose in his chest and you clasped your hand over his, that was still on your bare knee.

“I shouldn’t have left you.”

“Ben--”

He pulled your legging back down, speaking to your legs.

“I have. . . a lot of regrets about what I’ve done. Leaving you is the greatest of them.”

Capturing his face between your hands, you made him look at you.

“I know you’re in my head, Ben, so there’s no reason for you not to hear this. I may not condone the actions the Dark Side drove you to, but I  _ do not _ harbor any resentment towards you for leaving me behind. You told me yourself that Snoke would have killed me, and then where would we be?” You smiled sadly at him. “Ben, I need you to forgive yourself.”

Wide eyed, he choked out, “I don’t think I can.”

Feeling the guilt and the anguish in him, you pushed as much positivity forward that you could. You filled the bond between you with peace, serenity, and the sense of oneness that you had always shared. Ben’s eyes fell closed, his head falling as his breaths became smoother. The bond opened on the other end, allowing you to feel Ben more fluidly. His acceptance of the oneness between you made the Force hum contentedly and amplify everything between the two of you in this moment.

And the very next moment, Ben was yanking you forward and kissing you full on the mouth. His hands gripped you tightly, physically begging all the space between you to vanish. Your own hands scrambled for purchase, threading through his hair and clinging to the back of his shirt. Ben’s warm hand slipped beneath his sweater on you, brushing against your back and making you arch forward. Desperate, aching longing flooded your awareness, only for your own yearning to respond in kind.

One moment, Ben was pulling his mouth from yours, and you stared into his glorious eyes, the gold flecks illuminated against his blown pupils. 

“Tell me to stop, (Y/N), and I will.”

Without hesitation, you shook your head.

“Ben,  _ yes. _ I love you. I’ve always loved you and I’m  _ yours _ so please just kiss me.”

With unhindered elation, Ben’s lips connected with yours once more. The next moment, he was holding you securely and standing from the couch. Your lips didn’t part as he walked briskly towards the bedroom, not until your back hit the bed and Ben moved his mouth to your neck. You gasped, holding him tightly to you. Straddling you, Ben leaned back and shed his shirts, leaving his top half bare to you. Despite your familiarity with his shirtlessness, it had never been under such circumstances, and  _ oh my stars. . . _

Ben smirked, fully hearing that thought before he knelt down to your waist. Inch by inch, he lifted the sweater (and the tank) from your body and kissed your bare skin as he went. You were a quivering, breathless mess by the time he tossed the offending articles aside. And he looked at you, soaking you in in a way that made the ache in your lower belly only  _ more. _

_ You’re gorgeous _

Ben’s hands trailed down your sides and he watched himself, his fingertips barely grazing the space beneath the waistline of your leggings. He lingered there, his eyes finally coming up to meet yours again, and you practically pouted.

“Ben,  _ please.” _

Over the next several moments, your outer layers and Ben’s were removed, and you hooked a leg around him,  _ keeping him _ against you. The heated nature of your kisses grew exponentially, the bond between you folding you both into one. Ben arched your back up, and his nimble fingers made quick work of your brassiere. He groaned, and when he cupped your breasts, your head fell back. Something between a moan and a whimper escaped you, and then it came again when Ben ducked down, wrapping his full, soft lips around your nipple. He sucked and lavished your breast with his tongue as his left hand had a full grip of your other breast. You shivered when he switched his hand and his mouth, gasping out his name and mindlessly running your fingers through his hair.

_ Perfect _

Came his thought, and he kissed a line down your midsection. You became bare to him, for the first time despite the longevity of your relationship. Your nerves dampened, nearly completely dulled because this was  _ Ben. _ Your Ben.

“Yours,” he whispered against the skin of your inner thigh.

“Yours,” you agreed, trying to keep your eyes on him.

His eyes held yours until you lost the ability to keep them open, his tongue swiping the length of your womanhood. Ben didn’t falter, licking and sucking against you. Your thighs shuddered, and Ben’s firm hands clasped against them, keeping them spread. You gasped his name, reaching down and grasping his hand in yours. The coil within you wound tight, ready to burst, Ben doubled his efforts, bringing his fingers to press against your entrance. You moaned when he pressed inside you. Shuddered when another finger joined and his mouth slipped to suck on your bundle of nerves. In moments, Ben was sucking you with ardent desperation, and moving his fingers in and out of you swiftly.

_ Ben _

__ _ I know _

You barely registered the deeper tenor of his mental voice before the coil within you broke, and wave after wave of pleasure washed over you. You repeated his name breathlessly, tears slipping from your closed eyes. Neither his mouth nor his hand relented until you couldn’t possibly take anymore, and you loudly thought so. 

A breathless Ben rose from where he lingered between your legs, staring up at you.

“Stars, you’re perfect,” he murmured hoarsely, leaning up to kiss you. 

It was odd, the taste of yourself on his lips, but you found you really didn’t mind. Parting only his lips and catching your eyes, you could sense Ben's yearning mingled with apprehension. You held his gaze, trailing your hand down his muscled chest and along his hip bone. As you touched the waistband of his boxers, he emitted a moan-tinged growl and kissed you firmly.

_ Don't tease me _

You giggled mentally and Ben hoisted his body up, removing the offending garment in one swift movement. Your eyes flickered down and your breath lodged in your chest.

_ Stars above _

A rather pleased, knowing smirk crossed Ben's face and he took himself in hand, stroking himself once. Twice. Ben shifted, kissing you again, and his tip brushed your still sensitive clit. You jumped, kissing him more firmly.

He whispered your name in your minds.

_ I'm okay Ben please  _

Your head fell back once again, and your legs bent, spreading further apart as Ben slid his rather large member into you. You reminded yourself to breathe, opening your eyes only when he said to look at him. He held your gaze as he finally-- _ finally _ sheathed himself in you. He shook, holding himself steady as you stretched to accommodate him. Taking his face between his hands, you kissed him, letting open the floodgates to everything you have ever felt for Ben Solo. He groaned above you, grasped your hips. Then he began to move, slow at first and then harder and faster until you couldn't help but cross your ankles at the base of his spine to pull him deeper. Both of your desires for  _ more _ caused Ben's hips to pound into yours and he arched forward, kissing you sloppily. You could feel yourself nearing the high again, or was that Ben? You couldn't tell where you ended and he began anymore. 

_ With me - _ he gasped.

_ Always _

Several, rapid thrusts more. You both came undone with shouts of your names. The lights blew out, causing literal sparks to fall amongst the bed. Ben's hips shuttered to a stop and he collapsed on top of you, gasping for air as you were. 

_ One _

Sometime later, after Ben had slid out from inside you, you remembered. Laying there in nothing but Ben's sweater, and he in his boxers, your memory flickered back to you.  _ One. _ The Force had cried it out, reiterating its weeks' long promise. Of you and Ben becoming  _ one. _

"Did you mean it?"

Startled from your thoughts, you tilted your head up to meet Ben's eyes.

"Did you mean what?"

"What. . . you said. Earlier."

You heard yourself clearly in his mind--which was as open to you as yours had been to him. And you smiled.

"Of course I did."

_ (He wanted--no, needed to hear it again.) _

Easing yourself up on your elbow, you pressed your palm to Ben's cheek.

"Ben. . . I love you."

A wave of peace flooded his soul, and he looked happy.  _ Blissful, _ even. A look you had not seen on his face in so many years. Your smile broadened, creasing the corners of your eyes.

His hand came up to your cheek, mimicking you. 

"(Y/N) . . . I love you, too."

And. . .  _ stars, _ you had never been happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks from between fingers*  
> That happened. And those three little words...
> 
> Remember: practice safe sex always! 
> 
> We do love a consent-needing Ben 🙌🏻 He may know her mind but he STILL asks.
> 
> And Ben referring to HIMSELF as Ben, and not Ren--did anyone catch that??


	11. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth: a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some canon-typical violence in this chapter. Please be aware.
> 
> Topped 4400 words with this one.

You had Ben back. The morning after you had slept together, you were made even happier to see Ben happy. His weary nature was all but gone, and throughout the morning he was smiling at you. He even spun you around as you walked by simply so he could kiss you. And the _Light!_ It was practically radiating from him. The pain and anger and resentment in him were gone. You mentally crossed your fingers that this would last.

He stayed with you until mid-morning, and many kisses were stolen by both of you. He had a meeting at midday that he couldn't afford to miss; the First Order was officially stationing themselves on Devaron today. Ben swore that he would keep you informed, and he left in his alternative personality's attire.

The insertion of First Order leadership had happened without incident, something Ben let you in on through your bond in the Force. You can hear through him, and see the occasional flicker of, the arrival of the stormtroopers and an ambassador. A holo had been placed on the table for Ben’s and his Generals’ viewing, so the image wasn’t perfect, but you still caught glimpses of the terrain you had grown so accustomed to. It made your heart ache. You never thought you could be so homesick for Devaron. You had never truly missed Naboo; rather, you hadn’t missed the people. You still dreamt of the greenspaces and the way the stars always seemed brighter there.

_We can go_

Your eyes flew open, taking in the sea of stars. Ben’s consciousness was still lingering against yours.

_Go where_

_Naboo I feel your longing for the spaces you frequented as a child_

As gleeful as you were, the feeling quickly passed.

_Ben you're the Supreme Leader of the First Order You can't exactly go on vacation_

_(Y/N) I am the Supreme Leader of the First Order I can do whatever I want_

You smiled softly to yourself.

_Okay then_

_We can ---_

Angst filled the connection and you scrambled to your feet, spinning to face the door.

 _Ben_ \- you exclaimed.

 _There has been an incident_

And then the connection cut off and you were left alone. You closed your eyes, settling your breathing, before sitting in one of the cushioned chairs facing the door. And you waited. The lunch hour had come and gone and neither Ben nor any of the Knights contacted you. You sipped a cup of calming tea and practiced mindfulness as you waited. And you waited.

“Wake up.”

With a fluttering of your eyelids, you did just that, coming face to face with Ben. He seemed positively frazzled.

“What--”

“Why are you sleeping in a chair?” he asked, grabbing your hands to pull you to your feet.

“I was waiting for you. This morning, you said there had been an incident, and then _nothing._ I was worried, Ben. And the Knights never showed, so I didn’t know if you had just. . . _left.”_

Ben toyed with the end of your braid.

“One of our bases was attacked. The locals. . . decided that they no longer wanted the First Order on their planet.” He grimaced, and you hated the cold that lingered over you. “They killed seventy-five troopers and their general. Blocked all communications. It’s a damn _uprising._ ”

You wondered which planet, and _why._ Why now? What did the First Order do to alienate them? _And how did civilians manage to kill seventy-six trained soldiers?_

“I think they were betrayed,” Ben muttered, and you stared at him in surprise.

 _“Betrayed?_ As in--someone from the First Order caused their deaths?” He nodded, once. Firmly. “Ben, that. . . Who would do that? _Why?_ ”

“I don’t know. But I _will_ find out. The Knights and I are leaving for Didyma V to quell the insurrection.”

Anxiety fizzled around him, causing your brow to crease. You pushed your consciousness forward, questioning, and the vision you had was at the forefront of Ben's mind.

"Ben," you murmured, "I'll be fine."

"You were--you _will be_ in _pain._ "

Hesitantly you said, "Nothing is set in stone."

He grumbled your name.

"You'll also remember that you and the Knights are _here_ in my vision. If you are on Didyma V, then what happens. . . won't."

Ben pursed his lips, making them appear even fuller.

"I accept your logic. _However."_ From an interior pocket, he pulled out a datapad. "This is Cardo’s. You’ll be able to contact me or the Knights through it.” You took the device in your hand. “And I will be able to contact you. I’ll let you know when we reach the planet, and when we’re coming back.”

You nodded, turning your torso to place the datapad on the chair behind you. Then, you reached up and took Ben’s face in your hands.

“You better come back to me in one piece,” you whispered.

Ben’s hands moved to linger on your waist and he tugged you forward, so that you were pressed against each other.

"You don’t need to worry about me.” You huffed, because you would _always_ worry about him. “(Y/N). I will come back to you. These people are no match for us.” You nodded, because you _knew_ they wouldn’t be, but still you worried. “If I can’t make it back--”

_"Ben.”_

“Just listen. If I can’t, the Knights have orders to get you off the _Supremacy._ ”

"I don’t want them to leave you just to get me off this damn ship, Ben!” you exclaimed, your hands falling from his face to grip his shoulders.

“Two of them will. I won’t fight with you about this, (Y/N). If something happens to me, you aren’t safe here, and they’re going to take you elsewhere. Only the Knights and I will know where, and you’ll be _safe there._ ”

“You listen to me, Ben Solo,” you instructed firmly. “You are _not_ to die without me. I just got you back and I can’t lose you again.”

Your voice cracked, tears pricking the corners of your eyes, and he brought a hand up to hold the side of your face.

“I will come back to you. It just might not be here. I have to think of all scenarios going into a battle, and now that. . . Now that I have you back, I can't afford to _presume."_

His consciousness pressed gently against yours, trying to help you understand. You did, truly you did, but that didn't diminish the underlying anxiety you were feeling. To settle yourself, you eased forward, resting your head against Ben's chest and hugging him. Your ear pressed against his heart, further committing the sound to memory. Ben wrapped his arms around you, ducking his head to hide his face in your hair. You stayed that way for several minutes before he murmured that he had to leave. Nodding, you leaned back and kissed him.

"Be safe, Ben."

"I will." He kissed you again.

_I love you_

_I love you too Ben_

You hadn't realized how much you had grown accustomed to sleeping next to Ben in the past two weeks. Even in your youth, you didn't spend entire nights together, because that would be where Master Luke drew a line. Even on the rare mission when it was just the two of you, you would start your nights in separate quarters, and Ben would always be gone before you woke up. _Here,_ though-- _now--_ you fell asleep next to him. You woke and he was still there. Crawling into the empty bed after Ben had left, you found yourself resting your head on his pillow instead of your own. His pine and space dust scent lingered on the fabric, causing you to burrow your head deeper. You realized you missed him. Not simply the memory of him, as you had learned to reminisce over the past several years, but _Ben._ The ache was different than it had been that first year, when you were grieving him. This night it was for his presence. For the familiar, comforting lingering of his consciousness against yours.

You fell asleep wondering just how far your bond could reach.

Before you sat to start your morning meditation (and, oh! did you need it after the restless night you had), a tinging noise sounded from Cardo's datapad. It was a message from Ben.

**MASTER REN: Almost to Didyma V. How are you?**

**\--I'm fine, Ben. I just miss you. Now: ALL OF YOU be safe.**

**MASTER REN: So long as you are.**

**\--Even if I am not.**

**MASTER REN: If you insist.**

**MASTER REN: Enjoy your morning meditation, (Y/N).** **I'll message you before we disembark.**

**\--Okay**

Sighing, you set the datapad back on the small dining table and moved to the window to begin your meditation. 

The Force was uneasy the entire time you were meditating, which made it difficult to reach a proper state. You prodded your all-knowing friend with queries, but it didn't respond, only continued to ply you with uncharacteristic worries. What could be so unreasonable that even the _Force_ was wary to mention it? Most of the time--no, _all of the time--_ you were well informed. Even if you didn't always comprehend its meaning, the Force _always_ told you. So what was bothering the balance?

You abandoned your meditation, and just in time, too. A different tinging sounded, and the blast doors slipped open. You stiffened without thought, but it was only the food service droid. This one was different from the regular droid, which struck you as odd, but he set the trays on the table in the same manner the usual droid did. You thanked the droid as you had grown to do, and the droid _beeped at you._ Even in binary, the droid sounded off. You watched him zoom off, back through the blast doors, and then decided to quiet your growling stomach. The first dish held diced pears, oranges, and pineapple, and you snatched up a bit of pear. You ate it, and were reaching for a second piece when a sourness hit your taste buds. You coughed, attempting to expel the offending fruit, but it was too late. 

The Force whimpered against your skin, pressing and pulling. Your knees hit the hard floor before you realized that you were falling. Your cough became a wheeze and your vision blurred around the edges.

 _Ben_ \- you gasped, pushing the thought forth with everything you had in you. 

Shivering, you collapsed fully, your vision getting darker and darker despite your resolve to stay awake. Vaguely you heard the blast doors sliding open again. The heavy click of boots against the floor. Their aura was unreadable through your haze. Their minds completely inaccessible. Polished black leather came to a stop directly in front of you and a sneer was heard. 

"Disgusting whore," the intruder said aloud. Your hand flinched, desperate to remove him. Something skid loudly across the floor.

One of the polished boots stomped heavily on your hand. You cried out, fingers splaying and retracting in an attempt to remove your hand.

 _"Jedi scum._ Sedate her. We can't have any of those nasty tricks."

_BEN_

Something sharp pierced your arm, and the last thing you could tell was the boot removing itself.

A sharp shock startled you awake with a shriek. Your eyes flew open, your heart pounding loudly in your ears. Wildly you looked around you. Something was pulling against your wrists, and you glanced up. What you saw did nothing to settle your heart rate. You were tethered to a barbaric, archaic contraption. One Master Luke had mentioned in stories of one of his old Masters, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Electric shackles strung from the ceiling of this nondescript room before binding around your wrists. The same was holding your ankles still. _A Jedi suppressing force field._

"I'm sure you've realized that you cannot escape, Rebel scum."

You searched for the owner of the voice, but in vain. Were they behind you?

"I'm not part of the--"

Electricity shot through you again, making you shriek and attempt to recoil. 

"Dishonesty will only cause more shocks. You are not part of the First Order, yet you have been receiving meals in the Supreme Leader's rooms. Why?"

"Ask him yourself. I'm sure he'd _love_ to know what you're--"

Another shock, but you clenched your teeth to keep from screaming. You weren't going to give him the satisfaction. You yanked your arms down, trying to free yourself so that you could _get out._ The system only tightened around your skin, making your skin burn.

“I am not to be trifled with, girl!” the man seethed.

“Nor am I,” you said snippily.

You steeled yourself for the shock that followed your statement. 

“Foolish. You Rebels always are.”

“I--am not -a Rebel,” you gasped.

“Yet you are not a part of the First Order.” He paused. You said nothing. “Am I correct?”

“I’m not part of the First Order.”

“Why have you been receiving meals in the Supreme Leader’s rooms?”

You rolled your eyes.

“He wants me there.”

You weren’t expecting the shock this time, so a small shriek escaped you. The tethers pulled tighter.

 _"That was an answer!”_ you exclaimed.

“I don’t believe you. The Supreme Leader has turned down every woman that has been offered to him over the years. You are nothing remarkable. Do you think me so foolish as to believe that he would choose _you_?”

You were briefly pleased that Ben hadn’t accepted any concubines. But that didn’t help you here, with this fiend sending electricity through your system every time he disagreed with what you were saying.

Boots clunked against the floor, rounding the device until you saw him. The man was arrogant, swathed in First Order black and holding his hands behind his back. He had hateful, pale grey eyes and a receding hairline. _Enric Pryde._ General of the First Order. Someone in Ben's inner circle. Your vision flickered behind your eyes. You knew how this would end.

_Ben Help me_

Enric Pryde sneered at you and demanded: "Tell me, _Jedi._ . . Where is Luke Skywalker?"

You stiffened, meeting Pryde's dull eyes dead on in defiance. You braced yourself for the shock.

"I don't know, and even if I did, I wouldn't betray him."

He had expected this response from you, and nodded at the other figure in the room over your shoulder. As the current rattled your system, you saw Vicrul's scythe buried in this person's chest. You squeezed your eyes shut, clenching your teeth so you wouldn't accidentally impale your tongue.

"He won't be coming for you. The Supreme Leader is _using you_ to find Skywalker. Ending the last Jedi has been his goal for a _long_ time, and you are a means to an end."

This you knew to be false. While you didn't know how things had ended between Ben and Master Luke, you knew Ben's mind. He wasn't using you. So, you said nothing, but leveled your irritated, pained gaze on Pryde.

He was irritated with you, and huffed.

"Raise it," he intoned, a sick boredom to his tone.

Somewhere behind you, you heard a dial cranking and you grit your teeth. Again and again the shocks came, stopping only once you could no longer contain your scream. The current faltered and you sagged as much as the electrical tethers would allow.

"Tell me where Skywalker is!"

 _"No,"_ you wheezed. 

Baring his teeth, Pryde stalked forward. His gloved hand struck you against your cheek--hard--and your head whipped to the side. He struck you again, and immediately landed a heavy punch to your lower chest. The impact against your lungs had you wheezing, and then the shock came back and you shrieked.

_Help_

You begged the Force, trying to call it back to you, but it remained just out of reach. The only thing apart from yourself that you could feel was rage and resentment.

"He's gonna kill you. . ."

Pryde remained impassive.

"He's far too busy dealing with an insurrection on Didyma V, girl. He won't know his whore is dead until it is too late, and your remains are nothing but ash in the star ways."

You tugged on the tethers, causing a burning to singe the skin.

"You--"

Your accusation fell short and you flailed against the electricity. Your eyes were burning with the saltiness of your tears. Your face likely red from exertion.

You wished for Ben. For Vicrul and the Knights. How much longer could you last from the shocks? Your heart was already battered and sore, and the near constant creak of the dial behind you made you shutter. Could you close yourself off to this anguish? Despite the Force-dampening device, your mind was still your own. You might be able to manage it. Could you hide away in some corner of your mind until Ben came? To hide--from Pryde and his dial-turner, from the cold bursts of rage and resentment that continued to strengthen?

You ignored Pryde's physical strikes. Ignored his demands to know where Luke Skywalker was. You pulled your consciousness inward, barricading it behind massive pillars of trees. You sunk to your mental knees beside a stream that only Ben would know. You hid.

*~*

He had nearly lost his head. If it had not been for Ap'lek's quick intervention, his head would be rolling on the ground of Didyma V. Rather than reeling from the pain in his head. The pain that was _yours_. The pain you had thought you wouldn't be in. 

After he had regained his footing, the Knights had quickly encircled him, and then they ducked, and rage shot out from his whole being. The combatants fell in a wave, all of them dead. The Knights of Ren and their Master were on the _Night Buzzard_ before the last of them fell. 

He clenched his teeth again, doubling over to grasp onto one of the seats. You were screaming in his head, begging for him to help you. 

_I'm coming_

He repeated the phrase over and over again, pushing it towards you. But he knew you weren't hearing him.

"This is what she saw, isn't it?" asked Cardo, rage dripping from him.

His head shot up, meeting the Knight's gaze through the mask. He gave one sharp nod before your pain reached him again. The Knights felt it flickering off him and they shifted uneasily on their feet.

 _"Dammit, Kuruk! Go faster!"_ he ragged.

The engines groaned, but your consciousness was getting closer-- _louder--_ and so he was nearly to you. Nearly back to the ship he never should have left you alone on. 

Kuruk brought the _Night Buzzard_ out of hyperspace dangerously close to the _Supremacy,_ cutting the main engines only as they approached the hangar. Anxiety from the troops filtered through his resilience to focus only on you, and he allowed his rage to waft ahead of him. 

Rage and resentment. Because he _never_ should have left you.

The Knights gathered behind him before the engines had even cooled and they leapt off the ramp that had only partially lowered. All seven of them had their weapons in hand. All seven of them were seeking out your presence. 

_Dulled._ He knew at once what you had done as they stormed through the hallways. You had locked your consciousness away. You had hid, unable to face the pain any longer. At least consciously. The hair on his arms was still on end as wave after wave of electricity rocked through you.

He had honed in on your presence and quickened his pace. The Knights copied him, and he vaguely heard them alter their grips on their weapons. Vicrul, in particular, was determined to shove his scythe through the perpetrator's chest. 

He grimaced; your vision had only shown one faceless perpetrator. Yet there was more than one consciousness battering against his awareness.. He fed this information to the Knights as they rounded one of the final corners. He could hear the electrical current buzzing. And then he picked up on the distinct mind loitering against your presence, and he broke into a run. The door came off its hinges easily, merely a flick of his fingers. Enric Pryde spun around, and fear encased him.

Good. He should be afraid.

He laid into him with his fists, beating him back into the wall. He heard a grunt and the squelch of Vicrul's scythe meeting its target. Urgent words to Trugden and Kuruk to turn off the system.

 _"How_ _dare you?"_ he roared, spit flying into the insolent man's face.

"She knows where Sky--"

His fist met Pryde's eye.

"She _doesn’t._ "

The machine cut off, and he felt Vicrul gather you into his arms, easing your inert form to the ground. 

_Alive but hidden_ came the Knight’s voice.

Pryde had the gall to look defensive. _To look at_ _you_ with hatred in his eyes. He locked his hand around the dead man's throat.

"She's _mine_ and I will kill _you for this!"_

The Force quaked around him. You could feel him there. You could feel. . . _Kylo Ren._ Yet you were coming out from your mental hiding place. He felt you flinch, whether from the Dark Side raging in the small room or from the pain in your heart, he wasn't sure. Pryde's bleeding face teetered to the side, and he slammed the man's head into the wall. Unconscious, but not dead. Not _yet._

As he turned on his heel, he was disoriented for only a moment. Vicrul and Cardo were on either side of you, and they looked up as your eyes lost their fog. In a second, he was dropping to his knees in front of you. Mentally he cringed that he hadn't been able to divert from your vision. He hadn't been able to focus on anything _but_ the rage, just as you had seen. As gently as he could manage, he took your face in his hands.

_Ben_

Your mental voice was wrecked, quaking, as your awareness flooded back into being.

"(Y/N)," he whispered. "I am. . . I am so sorry."

_Ben_

You cringed, folding in on yourself. Vicrul felt uneasy. Ushar was mentally going through the list of First Order medical personnel, trying to choose one. Ap'lek was shoving his boot into Pryde's face, relishing in the sound of his nose breaking.

He lifted you carefully into his arms, noticing how you angled your body towards him. He couldn't stop you from burying your mind against his--not that he would want to. He enveloped you in peace. He eyed the infernal machine.

"Destroy it. Lock Pryde away and do as you will, but don't kill him."

The Knights looked at him, perplexed. 

_I need to send a message that she is not to be trifled with_

"Yes, Master," they replied.

Vicrul looked from Pryde, to the machine, and to you. He nodded, accepting Vicrul's continued presence. 

As they left the room, headed for the nearest turbolift, Ben heard the machine being torn apart. The Knights were unleashing hell onto it, expletives leaving their mouths and minds. 

_Ben_

His eyes flickered down to you. Your eyes were barely half open, and he hated the bruise forming on your cheek. He hated the fresh cut that bled on your cheekbone. 

_Medical?_ Vicrul asked, shoving his hand against the proper floor number in the lift.

"No. I will do this."

His voice was laced with pain--his and yours. Vicrul glanced at you and vividly imagined cutting Pryde to pieces. _Too fast_ , came the thought, and the other Knights joined his mental annihilation. 

There wasn't a single thing out of place in the room, save for the trays of uneaten food. 

_Poison_ was Vicrul's thought.

_Likely_

He urged Vicrul to wait, to guard. You clung to him when he laid you on the bed.

_I have to see_

Your eyes met his, melancholy. Yet you offered no argument and so Ben made quick work of removing your layers. You flinched when the sleeves came in contact with your wrists. He nearly wept at the sight of your skin turned raw--red and angry. It was the only physical sign you had, and Ben settled himself. Mentally, you sensed what he was going to do, and you pushed Light into him. It startled him: that unhindered Light locking onto his cells and his mind and fueling him. As gently as possible, he set his hands against your wrists, and closed his eyes.

_Breathe_

He did as the Force decreed. Steady, settling breaths. _In. Out. In. . . Out. . ._

He opened his eyes as the wounds on your wrists healed. The angry redness washed away by fresh, unblemished skin. Vicrul shuddered in the other room, but he said nothing about the goodness radiating from his Master. Ben met your tired eyes.

_No_

He barely suppressed a glare. _No?!_ The ventricles in your heart were severely damaged. Several of your muscles and nerves were essentially fried. And you say _no?!_

With your mind still tucked against his, he saw your fear that it would be too much for him. That the Light would overwhelm him and he would die. He delicately pushed the tear from your cheek.

"You are worth the risk."

_BEN_

He pressed his lips to yours and settled his palm to your chest. 

"I will not leave you alone," he swore, and he repeated it mentally.

Before you could object, Ben Solo opened himself up to the Light Side of the Force for the first time in over six years. It creaked like rusty bolts and roared like a favorite uncle. It dwelled like fondness. It flooded his senses with the awareness of you and how you were meant to be together. _You and Ben Solo._

It made tears fall from his eyes.

"Ben," you whispered, grasping his hand. 

He gasped, shaking as he held his body over yours. His wrist ached from the pressure but he didn't care.

_Ben_

His damp eyes met your own, and he felt _everything._ You healed and elated, albeit cautiously, for you both could feel the bewilderment from Vicrul. He could feel the Force wrapping around you both, nearly humming in contentment. . .

Your eyes widened moments before he felt it.

_Ben Solo_

His heart skipped a beat. You kept your mind against his, keeping him with you.

 _Luke_ . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a doozy of a chapter.  
> BUT HE GOT HIS LIGHT BACK! (Literally, and figuratively.)
> 
> Still gotta deal with Pryde though, because even Ben Solo wouldn't let what he did slide.


	12. Before I Learn Civility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben reveals the Reader to the First Order and handles Pryde's betrayal.

Ben was silent, staring at the wall with his back to you. Master Luke had managed his name and nothing else, which had surprised you. How much energy had he extended to reach Ben across the galaxy? You had a flicker of worry for the safety of your old master, but concern for Ben pushed it aside.

"Ben?"

You pushed yourself up to sit; shaky still despite Ben's actions to heal you. He grasped your hand without looking, pulling you forward. You wrapped your body around his.

"It's still there," he whispered. 

You glanced up at him.

"What is?"

_ The Darkness _

His mental voice quivered. You hadn't left his mind after you had slipped against it when he came for you. The action had not been intentional: you had felt Ben and leapt. You were now aware of how the pain hadn't diminished despite your hiding; no, it had bounded across your bond to torment Ben instead. Yet it had rebounded to you the moment you left your mental hiding space, and that must have been what had caused you to retreat against Ben's consciousness. Being against his mind when he had healed you was truly an out-of-body experience.  _ And then-- _ opening himself up to the Light Side after so many years of teetering between the Sides, if not fully in the Dark. . . You had known Ben was feeling the pull to the Light more and more, but as his decision had formed, you feared for him.  _ That much _ Light at once should have overwhelmed him, and maybe it would have if you hadn't been pressing your own energy against him. 

_ It's okay Ben _

His query turned seething. 

_ Is it I FELT the Light It was in me again _

If you hadn't felt Ben's own Light, you would have thought it was what you had urged towards him. 

"It wasn't. . . yours," he murmured.

Nodding against his shoulder, you whispered, "I know. I--Ben, it's okay."

_ LUKE felt it Felt ME _

_ I know he did _

The wide, frightened eyes of your best friend, of your constant love, met your tired ones. 

_ What do I do _

You pressed the palm of your hand to his cheek.

_ First I need you to breathe _

He breathed in, deeply.

_ Good That's good Ben _

Concern flooded your senses-- concern for you, about the Knights having felt him accept the Light Side back in, and about  _ failing.  _ Ben was so concerned about failing you that it made you burrow yourself closer to him, pressing your lips to his. Ben's only concern about Master Luke was----

Your breathing stuttered and you repelled backwards across the end of the bed. Ben flinched, unwinding his body and reaching for you. It was clear he had meant to keep this from you.

"What did he do?" you exclaimed breathlessly.

Ben uttered your name.

"He--I saw him, Ben. I saw him in your head. He was in your hut, and--"

He repeated your name, only more firmly. You accepted his extended hand and the memory swept over you. Of Ben waking in unease, seeing. . . seeing  _ hatred _ on Master Luke's face. A clash of lightsabers- Ben's old one meeting Luke's, anxiety and despair overwhelming him. Thoughts of ' _ Snoke was right'  _ skittered across his mind and he pulled the roof of the hut down around them.

You blinked against tears, your own memories of that night coming into question. Luke had lied to you. He had led you to believe that Ben was dead, that someone fully emerged in the Dark Side of the Force had attacked the Temple. That this individual had killed your friends. . . had killed  _ Ben. _ You had mourned. You had allowed Snoke and the Dark Side to corrupt Ben Solo into Kylo Ren because. . . because you had thought him dead.

"It wasn't your fault," he whispered. "I didn't tell you, and when. . . After that night, I hid Ben Solo from you."

"He wanted to--to kill you. I could see it behind his eyes, until it. . . It looked like remorse," you replied softly.

"I know my truth. My uncle would have killed me. The Dark Side was too heavy a presence. The Force was too strong in me--"

"But the Force was strong in  _ me,  _ too! He  _ told me _ that!"

"(Y/N), you are strong in the  _ Light. _ There isn't any darkness in you. We. . . We're two sides of the same coin.  _ Darkness rises and Light to meet it, _ " he intoned, a crease forming in his brow. "Luke always liked you more."

"Ben, you're his  _ family." _

"I don't think he cared."

You tucked your head against Ben's neck. You felt remorseful. You felt  _ betrayed. _

"I didn't want to take him away from you." Ben rested his hand on the back of your head. "I know how. . . how much you trust him."

_ Trusted _

Ben frowned, saying, "You shouldn't dwell on this. (Y/N), you nearly. . . I could have lost you."

Your voice was muffled against the thick material of his shirt.

"You didn't, though. And the Force. . . it showed you saving me."

"Pryde was  _ electrocuting  _ you," he growled. "I could feel it. And that. . . that  _ damn _ machine." His grip tightened against your head. "How did he even  _ know?" _

Sighing, you set your legs across Ben's, thumping your chin on his shoulder.

"He noticed the extra meals coming to your room."  _ Bitterness. _ "He. . . I should have known. The droid seemed nervous. A-And the fruit had been doused in a paralytic. But I still reacted, and he. . ." Your hand flinched. "He stepped on my hand. Had whomever was with him sedate me." You swallowed thickly, nervous. "He thought I was a--a concubine, and then a Rebel. He just wanted to know where Luke is."

Ben hadn't liked  _ concubine. _

"He said as much. Tried to make what he did  _ acceptable." _

"Is he. . . Did you kill him?"

"No." This surprised you. You met Ben's gaze. "Not yet. I had the Knights take him away after they destroyed that machine. I'm sure they're enjoying themselves right now."

The thought of the Knights of Ren  _ enjoying themselves _ made you shiver.

"But they won't kill him. What he did deserves a public execution."

Your face fell.

"Ben--"

"You're  _ mine,"  _ he growled. "Keeping you a secret didn't stop my enemies from coming after you, and waiting until I was off ship?" He shook his head, almost disgusted. "No. The entirety of the First Order--of the  _ galaxy _ \-- needs to know what happens if they so much as  _ think _ of hurting you."

Your brow creased in concern. You could  _ feel _ Ben pushing away the Light.

_ Don’t _

He sighed.

“I can’t let it keep me from killing him, (Y/N). I could feel it trying to push me off the notion, but I won’t let it,” he told you, resolved. “I need you to understand that.”

You could feel that need. You could feel how desperately Ben  _ needed _ your approval on this. And as much as you loathed the idea of Ben allowing the Dark side back in, you knew he wouldn’t rest until he was positive that you were safe. Until the man who had tortured you was dead, and likely publicly humiliated.

So, you nodded.

“I may not condone it,” you murmured, “but I won’t stand in your way.”

Releasing a breath neither of you had realized he was holding, he kissed you. And then you shivered--voices lingered in the front room. Three distinct ones; likely Vicrul, Cardo, and Ushar. Ben looked sharply at the door, his jaw tight.

“They felt it.”

“I know. I--Ben, I won’t let them hurt you.”

A trace of amusement came across his dashing face.

“As much as I enjoy seeing you fight, I don’t think we need to be concerned about them. Not right now. They’re asking about you.”

You looked at the door, too; the Knights felt as they always did: distant and cold. With a sigh, you nodded, and Ben handed you that black sweater of his, and a pair of your own leggings. You shook out what remained of your braid. Ben took your hand, brushing your hair back with his hand, and he looked at you as if you were the stars themselves.

_ You are _

Kissing his cheek, you squeezed his hand, letting him know you were ready. The two of you left the bedroom and found the Knights dropping to their knee, only for them to stand back after a polite moment. Their weapons were at the door. They were clearly only focused on you.

“Mistress, are you all right?” asked Vicrul urgently.

You nodded, “Yes, thank you.” The emphasis you placed on the thanks made him tilt his head; you knew he had been there to help you.

“How did he get you?” Ushar asked, and Cardo punched his arm, telling him to shut up. “We have to know what security to improve!”

“I--It’s fine. He, um, he put some sort of paralytic on the food. Followed the droid in.”

Cardo said, “What droid? We can smash--”

“It wasn’t the droid’s fault,” you insisted.

They nodded, and Vicrul said, “We are. . . glad you are all right, Mistress.”

Ben’s grip on your hand tightened. You wondered what he was hearing from them. Questions about what you had discussed? About him healing you?

_ No they are telling me about Pryde _

You glanced up at Ben, letting him know that you understood without nodding.

"Did he say anything to you, Lady (Y/N)?" asked Cardo.

"Um," you mumbled, your eyes flickering to where you were still holding Ben's hand. "He thought I was part of the Resistance, but he knew I'm a Jedi. Questioned my presence here--in Ben's room. He kept asking where Luke is."

Your gaze flickered back up. With their masks on, you couldn't discern much from their faces.

"So he followed that droid in," started Ushar. "How damn long had he been planning on coming after you?"

"We don't--"

You interrupted Ben, saying, "He's the one who betrayed those troopers on Didyma V."

Ben angled his body more towards you, and you looked at him.

"You didn't say that."

"I only just remembered. When. . . When I told him that you would kill him, he said you were 'too busy dealing with the insurrection on Didyma V'. That I'd be dead before you go back."

Hostility flared from Ben, and from the Knights.

"Unfortunately for him," Ben seethed, "I felt you across the parsecs."

_ TraitorMurdererScum _

Ben's thoughts were a murderous cacophony, and you squeezed his hand.

_ You got to me I'm okay _

Still he agonized. For a moment he considered killing Pryde for his traitorous, murderous actions. Publicly  _ not _ for what he had done to you. He would be able to keep you a secret. His enemies would never know you existed alongside him. He flinched. No. Enric Pryde would pay for what he had done to you. That he had become a traitor to the First Order and caused the deaths of a few dozen soldiers would be a secondary reason for his execution.

"Tomorrow, o-seven hundred hours," Ben said aloud, glancing to his Knights. "I'll send out a notice to all personnel. Everyone on this ship who isn't essential to the ship operation will be required to attend." Your heart skipped a beat: he was  _ mandating _ the viewing of Pryde's execution. "You three will escort (Y/N) to the auditorium. Ap'lek, Kuruk, and Trudgen will take Pryde."

You froze.

_ "What?" _ you exclaimed. "Ben, I don't need to--"

"They need to know who you are," he said, firm yet emotionless. "They need to see you."

"Show them a holo!"

_ I can't watch this Ben _

Realization flickered against Ben's thoughts, and you mentally urged him  _ not _ to require you to watch him execute the ex-general.

_ I need you there _

Knowing you were about to protest, Ben ushered forth a memory of him losing himself in a previous execution. Even with the mask, he was. . . almost feral. He let you know that he needed you there to keep himself in check. You could look away. You could close your eyes. He just  _ needed you there. _

You relented, and Ben dismissed Vicrul. The Knight hesitated, but then the eagerness of returning to his fellow Knights flooded the room. He left the room with his scythe in hand. Ushar and Cardo were left to guard the room, which you insisted could be done from inside. Cardo took a book after you promised it was fine, and he stationed himself on a chair by the door with Ushar, who began to polish his weapon.

Ben made you a cup of tea, and tried to insist that you eat until you told him you were much too anxious to do so. A service droid--the regular one, you noticed--came and cleared the table and brought pre-packaged food items anyway. Still, Cardo ran a biometric scanner over the wrappings before putting them into a cupboard. 

Ben gathered you in his arms on the couch, tucking you securely against him. Your legs bent across his, body angled towards him, and your arms just as wrapped around him as his were around you. He had your right hand in his left, and he was massaging it. It lulled you into a half-asleep state, your eyes hardly focused. But you knew you were safe. You knew the Knights' earliest words to you, about their dedication to protect you, were true. You could sense their disappointment in themselves that something had happened to you at all. And you had Ben. As children, his protective nature was something that made the other Padawans whisper behind your backs. It was also something that Master Luke had often used against you two during trainings. It wasn’t that he was exploiting it, As you were also rather protective of Ben, too, Master Luke wanted to ensure that the two of you could fight and protect  _ yourselves _ when you were both there, without becoming distracted. The more your bond heightened, the easier this became. You would gravitate towards each other and soon you would be back-to-back, which meant the fight was over and won. Over time, the Padawans learned to try to keep you two separated, filling the space between you on the training field. It merely lengthened the training sessions. Nothing could keep Ben from you, or you from him.

In the present, Ben squeezed your hand.

"Let's get you to bed," he said softly.

Nodding, you unwound yourself from his body and bid the Knights good-night. Ben said he would be there shortly, that he needed to speak with them first. You were asleep before he returned. 

  
  


Ben woke you early, already dressed in his full garb (sans mask). He urged you to get ready. You scrubbed your face clean and wetted your hair a bit before braiding it back. Ben asked you to wear earth tones, and not white; you didn't own any black clothing, but white would set you out too much. Still, you wore a creamy white undershirt beneath the fern green tunic. You were  _ you, _ after all, and wasn't that one of the points Ben wanted to make? With your brown boots laced closed, you went into the living space to find Ben standing with Vicrul, Cardo, and Ushar. They all glanced at you, but only Ben's eyes were visible. You could sense the doubt as well as you could see it in him. It was making him uneasy.

With a deep, settling breath, you went forward and stood by him. You could do this-- _ for him. _

Gratefulness seeped across the bond moments before he secured his mask. The five of you headed out: you directly behind Ben, with Vicrul behind you and Ushar and Cardo on either side. The halls were rather empty, yet you could see nothing around the firm masses of black surrounding you. When you stopped in a turbolift, Ben grasped your hand. The leather creaked as he applied a pressure. Off the lift, the formation returned and there it remained for the remainder of your journey. Ben paused outside a set of blast doors, glancing back at you for a moment. Then the doors swung open and the silence in the room beyond echoed against your mind. 

_ Confusion. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. . . Fear. _

You shuddered. Following Ben up a short flight of stairs, you schooled your expression. 

"The Supreme Leader!" a metallic-sounding woman barked.

_ Wait here _

You stopped walking, and the three Knights lingered around you. You were hidden from the main auditorium by a velvet red curtain, but you could still see Ben. A very tall person in a metal stormtrooper's outfit stood to the side of the stage, a blaster in hand. Beyond Ben were other generals, other higher-ups in the First Order.

"There is a traitor in our midst."

The unease thickened in the air. You forced yourself not to cross your arms to repel it, no matter how disorienting it was.

"It has come to my attention that this individual is behind the insurrection on Didyma V. Because of this betrayal, seventy-five troopers and their general were killed." Shock lingered in the air. "And this  _ traitor _ betrayed the First Order so that he could try to take someone from  _ me." _

Even through the vocoder in his mask, Ben's anger dripped from every word. 

"And for that, Enric Pryde must die."

Vicrul pressed a palm to your shoulder blades, urging you forward, and you went before the First Order for the very first time.

A sea of black and white met your sight. The auditorium being open-ended to allow for the inclusion of so many personnel in one space. Thoughts--queries--of who you were and what you meant to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren ricocheted off of your awareness and you shoved the floodgates closed.

From the other side of the stage came Ap'lek, Trugden, and Kuruk, dragging a bloodied and bruised Enric Pryde between them. Still he managed to meet your gaze with disdain, and you heard a Knight's hand fold into a fist behind you.

"Let it be known," Ben started again, "that if  _ anyone _ harms her or  _ allows _ her to be harmed, they will face the same punishment. You are to show her the same respect you show me. She is my equal. She is  _ mine. _ "

You pulled your eyes from Pryde and looked at Ben. Easing the blockade on your awareness, you felt bewilderment mixed with acceptance from the First Order crowded in front of you.

"Am I understood?"

Every individual, even the Knights, cried, "Yes, Supreme Leader!" in chorus.

And then, in a swift movement, Ben turned to Pryde, unclipping and igniting his lightsaber.

"For crimes against the First Order and its Supreme Leader, I sentence you to death, Enric Pryde."

The disdainful look in the ex-general's eyes met Ben's mask, a sneer forming.

"She'll  _ never _ survive," the man wheezed.

Darkness swept out from Ben, and if it wasn't for your determination to remain as outwardly emotionless as possible, your knees would have buckled. 

Ben jutted his hand forward, the blade piercing Pryde's heart and exiting through his back with the distinct buzzing. Vaguely you heard clapping, but then Ben was turning you by your shoulder and leading you away.

Alone once more, you collapsed to the floor, gasping for air and squeezing your eyes shut. You heard Ben's mask hit the steel flooring. Heard his gloves being removed and felled alongside the mask. He grasped your wrist with one hand, placed another behind your head. He murmured your name apologetically.

You opened the floodgates, allowing the Force to open you back up to everything. 

"How do you do this?" you demanded breathlessly. "How do you  _ handle  _ this?"

Collapsing to sit awkwardly on your ankles, you met Ben's pale, handsome face.

"Years of practice," he admitted, stroking a hand down your cheek. "I shouldn’t have let his words get to me. But then he still had the  _ nerve _ to threaten you! There! In front of  _ everyone. _ "

"He had nothing to lose," you deduced.

"It could have been much, much worse for him, (Y/N)."

_ "Fight it, Ben," _ you begged. "For me.  _ Please.  _ Don't--Don't let it take over you again."

He kissed your forehead.

"I won't. I  _ swear to you. _ " His golden brown eyes met yours. "I will not fail you again."

"You haven't failed me, Ben. No more than I have failed you."

The creased brow and tight jaw were the physical signs of Ben's disagreement; the tumultuous thoughts were another thing entirely.

"You've never--"

"Nor have you." In mental agreement, you both got to your feet. "I--While I can't condone your actions as Kylo Ren, I know that Snoke manipulated you. He saw the promise of your bloodline and he exploited your anxieties." You set your palms against his cheeks. "You are still my Ben. You are still the one that showed me the first acts of genuine kindness in my life. You took me away, and you didn't leave me alone until it was out of your control." You paused, trying to discern whether or not you were reaching him. "Ben, we are here now. Together. The Force never tore us apart and now nothing can. Okay?"

His eyes moved about your face and then he pulled you flush against his chest. Ben pressed his face to the crook of your neck and held you there.

_ I don't know what I have ever done to deserve you in my life (Y/N) _

_ Ben we are meant for each other _

_ One _

He sighed against you, his breath hot on your neck.

_ What do we do now _

You hesitated. You knew what you  _ wanted,  _ but you weren't sure he was at a place where he would agree with you yet.

_ We'll figure it out Ben Together _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a slow chapter to offset last chapter's madness.   
> Will the Reader's desires work out? Or will she and Ben stay on the Steadfast?


	13. A Decision to be Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader and Ben have to make a decision after a sudden visit by Hux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter caused me so much grief! I'm sorry it took so long. I hope to get chapter 14 to you sometime this week.

It was rare, but the vision came in your dreams. Ben could still sense it, he would tell you later, for your energy had shifted. When it ended, you had jolted awake to find Ben lingering over you, his eyes trained on your face. You sat up and curled your body against him before relaying what you had been shown.

_ You and Ben were on Naboo, on one of the outlying islands that had fields of rolling grass pebbled with colorful flowers. Ben’s bare chest was glistening with water droplets, fresh from a swim in the cool waters. He was stretched out in the grass, his eyes closed and the most relaxed look on his face. You were laying sideways, facing him with your upper body propped up on your elbow. You held your head in your hand.  _

__ _ Suddenly the Force had twisted unpleasantly around you both, and Ben leapt to his feet. He had his lightsaber in his hands and you settled your feet against the soft grass, looking for the disturber of your peace. You both felt him, and you turned in unison. Distrust and anxiety roared against your connection with Ben, and you did your best to soothe him while not taking your eyes off his uncle. _

__ _ Master Luke was standing several feet away. His Jedi robes were the same light tones that they had been when you had last seen him. But he had aged: his hair and beard were greyed, and there were lines around his eyes that hadn’t been there six years ago. _

__ _ “What are you doing here?” you questioned, unable to keep the resentment from your tone. _

__ _ “I see you found each other.” _

__ _ “No thanks to you!” Ben seethed. _

__ Ben _ \- you soothe. _

__ _ “You were as good as dead, Ben. Was I  _ supposed  _ to send her after you?” _

__ _ You could practically hear Ben grit his teeth. _

__ _ “I didn’t think so,” Luke continued. _

__ _ “What are you doing here, Master Luke?” you asked again. _

__ _ The old Jedi Master looked at you both studiously. _

__ _ “I felt you open yourself to the Light, nephew. So did your mother.” Ben stiffened. “Yet you remain with the First Order.” _

__ _ “You lost the right to know the reasoning for my actions when you tried to kill me.” _

__ _ Luke’s face fell: he felt guilty. _

__ _ “I shouldn’t have raised my blade. I saw the Darkness rising and--” _

__ _ “You sent me away!” you exclaimed, taking a step forward. “You knew I would be able to--” _

__ _ “I couldn’t risk it. I know now I was wrong.” _

__ _ Ben practically growled. _

__ _ “Tell us what I want before I run you through,  _ uncle. _ ” _

__ _ Luke leveled his gaze, took a deep breath, and-- _

Ben was silent. You could feel his residual angst at the likelihood of seeing Luke again, especially when a trip to Naboo would be what triggered it. With his mind open to you, you could sense his trepidation. He wasn’t willing to disregard another one of your visions so soon. Leaving the ship hadn’t stopped Pryde from coming after you, so Ben--and you--were under the assumption that avoiding Naboo wouldn’t stop the reunion with Luke Skywalker. But he didn’t want to see his uncle. He didn’t want to know what it was that brought him out of hiding after six years--or however long it would be. Ben contemplated leaving for Naboo tomorrow; would Luke show up? What if you waited three years before going to Naboo? Neither of you had looked noticeably older than you currently did, so it was likely within the next couple years.  _ Or tomorrow. _

_ We’ll figure it out Ben _

__ “Will we?” he murmured. “I--I don’t want to see him, (Y/N). I can’t trust myself around him. I know my truth. I know what I saw.”

You embraced him, gently running your fingers through his hair. Ben pressed his face to the crook of your neck and hugged you back. Slowly his breathing settled, and he leaned back to look at you.

“We can’t bring the Knights,” he declared. “They wouldn’t understand, and he’s bested them once before. I’ll--I’ll tell them that you and I need to get away. That you need to be in nature again. We likely won’t be able to go for another week. I can’t--”

“I know,” you murmured. “You’re still the Supreme Leader and you have your responsibilities. Just. . . don't dwell on seeing him again. Dwell on the fact that you and I are actually going to go on a trip together."

The corners of his mouth turned up at the thought. You could sense how pleased he was at the thought of getting away, just the two of you. You kissed him softly before turning to get out of bed, only for Ben to spin you back around. He kissed you ardently, his lips molding over yours as his hands moved across your body. Across the bond, his mood shifted to fierce yearning and yours quickly altered to match. Ben kissed along your jaw, down your neck. . . across your collarbone. . . and back up to your lips. You kissed lazily for a while before he pulled his mouth from yours.

"As much as I'd rather stay in bed with you all day, I have to get ready. There's going to be. . . damage control."

You traced his face with your fingertips, humming.

"If you have to," you murmured.

With a groan, Ben kissed you again, firmly, before rolling over you and forcing himself into the refresher. He kept his mind open to you,  _ the tease,  _ so you dressed with your mind just as open. You could sense his yearning heighten, and your lips slipped upwards. 

You headed out into the living space and began making tea, zoning out a bit as you did. When the blast doors swished open, your reaction was immediate: you spun on your bare heel and threw out your left hand, willing your lightsaber to leave the chest of drawers in the other room. It was in your hands and ignited-- Ben's anxious, questioning voice sounding in your head-- before the individual had even fully entered the room.  _ General Hux, _ you realized, but that didn't give you any peace of mind.

The orange-haired man stood with his back ramrod straight, his hands clasped behind him. He stared at you with an upturned nose.

_ Kriffing fantastic. Another Jedi to deal with _

"I am  _ nothing _ you will deal with," you fumed.

He blanched, realizing you could hear his projected thoughts. He opened his mouth, but a familiar voice cut across him.

"Dammit, you ginger bastard! We said  _ wait!" _

Your eyes flickered back to the door, finding Vicrul and Cardo coming in. Cardo was who had spoken, and you could tell he was glaring at Hux through the mask. Both Knights flanked you, but you didn't extinguish your saber. You didn't  _ trust  _ Hux.

_ What is he doing here _

_ I don't know Ben _

"Yes, well," started the general, pointlessly tugging down the hems of his jacket. "Time is of the essence."

_ He won't hurt you Mistress _

You glanced at Vicrul from the corner of your eye, surprised he had spoken to you through your minds. Glancing back at Hux, you extinguished your lightsaber and slid out of your defensive stance.

"What do you want?" you asked the general.

"I was curious about the girl that caused such a riot yesterday. And the death of a renowned general."

You huffed, "Pryde tried to kill me."

_ Because you're a Jedi _

"Simply because I'm a Jedi is  _ no _ reason to do what he did. Now please, keep those thoughts to yourself."

You could feel Ben on the edge of your bond: he was dressing as quickly as he could manage. He warned you not to trust Hux.

"Yes. Right. I--Mean no harm."

Oddly, you knew he was speaking truthfully. He wasn't there with ill will.

"You weren’t given permission to speak to Lady Ren, Hux," Cardo growled. "You insinuated this  _ urgent _ house call was for Master Ren."

The connection Cardo stressed between you and Ben-- also, between you and the Supreme Leader-- was not lost on you. That he and Vicrul both had their weapons firmly in hand was simply another message the Knights were sending.

"Yes, it is. However--"

You looked over your shoulder instinctively when Ben left the bedroom. Dressed as he always was for official business, no one in the room could miss the hostility lingering in the air. Vicrul eased to the side as Ben filled the space, planting himself solidly at your side.

"Main operations for the cycle haven't even begun, General. What is so urgent you felt the need to invade our privacy?"

The green hue to Hux's complexion clashed horribly with his hair.

"I mean her no harm, Supreme Leader," he stressed.

Mistrust fell heavily in the air around you. It was rather suffocating.

"Then why are you here?"

Hux looked directly at Ben, something akin to distaste and resentment in his features. 

"We received word from our alliance on Naboo. They wish to meet with you, as urgently as possible.  _ Allegedly, _ a small group is planning an insurrection."

You stiffened the very instant Ben did, but you both had enough control over yourselves not to look the other's way. Neither of you completely believed the insurrection story---was this Luke?

"Furthermore," Hux continued, "there has been a rise in Rebel activity on the mid levels of Coruscant. Stray detonations, rallies, and the like.  _ Typical _ behavior for them."

"Send a damn platoon. You insist your Stormtroopers are up for the task every other opportunity. My patience for your presence is wearing thin, Hux."

A sneer showed itself on the general's face, and you could tell why Ben disliked him so much. The general was exceedingly arrogant. You had heard horrible things about General Armitage Hux that first year, and he truly seemed to live up to his reputation. 

"I would think you'd  _ want _ to send your Knights."

"Watch it, ginger menace," Vicrul growled.

Hux's eyes flickered over the four of you. Before he could speak again, Ben began.

"The Knights will go to Coruscant. (Y/N) and I will go to Naboo."

You looked at him, as did the two Knights. You wondered if they were objecting in his mind or not.

"Yes, Supreme Leader. When should I tell the Naboo alliance you will be arriving?"

"Simply tell them that I am coming.  _ Do not _ mention (Y/N)."

"Of  _ course _ , Supreme Leader," Hux said sickeningly, bowing only slightly.

"That's all," Ben said firmly, and Cardo ushered Hux out the door.

"Master, I have to protest," Vicrul started, the moment the blast door had shut. "Three of us would be more than--"

"I'm not concerned about an insurrection on Naboo. It's  _ Naboo. _ Besides, I promised (Y/N) a trip before the  _ last _ insurrection."

You could feel the Knights' dislike for the situation, but Ben's mind was made. Especially after your most current vision, and your conversation after, you both knew that the Force was leading you to Naboo. Back to where you met each other. Back to where the Force had first bound you together. Meeting Ben’s gaze, you nodded to let him know that you were following his thought process. The Knights practically deflated; with the two of you on the same page, they seemed to understand that altering this decision would be impossible. Vicrul huffed, the noise sounding rather odd through the synthesizer on his mask. Ben summoned the other Knights to give them a rundown of the mission on Coruscant, and you went into the bedroom to gather a few days’ worth of clothes for both you and Ben. As he discussed what he knew about the mission (apparently he had received more information on his datapad), you stayed in the room. You could hear the necessary bits, and Ben’s mental commentary. He told the Knights that you would all leave at the same time--in three hours--and then they left. Ben entered the bedroom with a cup of tea that he handed to you, before gathering a few more items.

“It will be okay, Ben,” you assured softly.

He heaved a great sigh, his large shoulder rising and falling with it. He turned back to you, settling the few extra items into the bag you were sharing.

“We’ll make it so.”

  
  


Three hours later, the Knights had surrounded you as the eight of you headed down to the hangar where Ben’s ship and the  _ Night Buzzard _ were docked. Ben removed his mask once he was in the pilot’s seat, with you in the co-pilot’s. It had been five years since you had piloted, but you were confident in your abilities. After all, the man who had taught you to fly was seated right next to you. 

Once you were out of the First Order’s space, Ben and the Knights leapt into hyperspace. As their route differed from yours, there wasn’t any need to be concerned. You flicked a couple switches on your side of the cockpit and then Ben settled the ship into autopilot. He stood, offering you his hand, and when you took it, he led you into the larger space of the ship. There was minimal seating, but you sat on the sole cushioned furniture and draped your legs over his. Ben hadn’t removed his hand from yours; instead, he seemed to be massaging your hand. His mind was wide open to yours, his thoughts and emotions flowing freely across the space. You could feel how anxious he was--about the likelihood of seeing Luke again, mostly, but also that there might be a rebel issue on Naboo, and he was taking you directly to it. You purposefully, albeit pointlessly, reminded him that you were rather gifted with the Force and could easily subdue anyone who attempted to harm you. A flicker of Enric Pryde--and you reiterated that being drugged was highly unlikely on Naboo. That you had him.

Ben sighed aloud. He didn't want to put you in any danger, even inadvertently. Simply being with him would be enough, to his enemies, to warrant an attempt on your life, too. You squeezed his hand. Reminded him that the Force was leading you both to Naboo to see Luke, not to die by some mysterious enemy's hand. Even Ben had to admit that Luke would never harm you. And he knew that you would never allow Luke to harm Ben.

You would make it out of Naboo alive, of that you were positive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Force works in mysterious ways...
> 
> What do you think? Is there an insurrection on Naboo, or is it just Luke? 
> 
> Next chapter: shirtless Ben Solo after a swim 💧 😍


	14. Elysian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader and Ben arrive on Naboo.

Ben instructed you to stay on the ship and out of sight of the viewports once you began your descent to Naboo. He felt guilty for keeping you ship-bound when you were so close to the Elysian fields of Naboo, but he had to deal with business first. He would ensure you had your time in the greenspaces of your youth. You just had to wait a little longer. . .

You kept your awareness open to Ben, eavesdropping on his thoughts as he spoke with the First Order general and Nabooian alliance. He told you he was heading into the conference room, and you insisted he stay on guard and be safe. 

You waited until Ben's presence faded from your immediate awareness before sitting cross-legged on the floor of the ship. You settled your breathing--three seconds in through your nose, five seconds held, and then seven seconds slowly out through your mouth. You did this twice before opening your mind. You didn't want to be surprised by Master Luke. Nor did you want him to surprise Ben. As you reached a meditative state, your subconscious searching for Luke Skywalker, you kept an eye out (so to speak) for any trouble pertaining to the Supreme Leader. Ben occasionally reached out to you in return, reassuring you both that the other was safe. Allowing himself to vent to you prevented him from unloading on his allies. They were "incompetent fools" and he despised them. He doubted there was any  _ real _ insurrection; rather, the First Order allies were simply irritated at some native Nabooians for expressing their rights. The Gungans hadn't been seen in years, but the natives insisted they were allies. Ben didn't care. They weren't rioting against the First Order, they were opposed to the transplant Naboo officials' way of thinking. Ben would show himself, quell any  _ real _ issues, and then he would return to you.

  
  


Quite a few hours later, Ben let himself back into the ship and quickly removed his mask. He had a grimace on his face, which you kissed away immediately. He hummed contentedly against your neck.

"Anything?" you asked.

"Absolutely nothing. If I hadn't promised you a trip to Naboo, they'd have seen an entirely different side of me for wasting my time."

"I'm sure you kept up appearances." He grumbled incoherently. "All is well, here. I. . . haven't sensed Master Luke."

"Nor have I. We will stay until he comes. This--We have to know."

He met your eyes, but kept his arms wrapped around you. The grimace was gone from his face. 

In mental agreement, you and Ben returned to the cockpit and began the takeoff sequence. Ben altered the course and flew to Varykino--the Lake Retreat. He had been reassured that it was empty and ready for his use, as long as he might need it. There would be a skeleton staff to "serve his every whim," and they were loyal to the First Order. Ben would alter their memories about you, and on that you couldn't change his mind. Deciding it wasn't an argument worth fighting, you yielded.

You could see the splendid terrain from the viewport and slid forward in your seat, eyes wide. You were suddenly fearful that if you blinked, the green would vanish and be replaced once more with the cold, lifeless stretch of durasteel.

*~*

Mere seconds after landing, you were racing across the ship and urging the ramp down. He could sense the eagerness in you, practically bubbling over to him in a way that made  _ him _ excited. He followed you once he had the ship's engines off, and you turned over your shoulder to grin at him.

"Come  _ on,  _ Ben!" you exclaimed.

Chuckling, he left the ship with you. As separated as he was from nature, he couldn't tear his eyes from you. Your hair loose over your shoulders, blown back by the gentle breeze. He watched as the stress of the last few weeks faded from your face. Looked on as you took in your home planet for the first time in years. He felt the natural Force sweep into you and saw your eyes flutter closed, at peace. 

"Thank you, Ben," you whispered. 

If he couldn't feel your soul alight with the Force Naboo held, he would have asked  _ for what? _ But he knew--all the stress that had been placed on your shoulders and had been weighing you down since he sent his Knights for you was  _ gone. _

He wanted more of that feeling.  _ He wanted peace, too. _

Your eyes fluttered back open and you met his. You turned your body to face him, wrapping your arms around him and pressing your head against his chest.

_ Open yourself up, Ben Let yourself feel Naboo _

He knew you felt his hesitation, and soon you were seeking admittance to his mind. He let you in. He let you help him open himself back up to the Light-- _ slowly _ this time. He shivered as it pressed open his senses, picking away at his lingering hostility. As it burned through the Darkness. . . A tear fell across his cheek a moment before you tilted your head to kiss him.

_ It's okay Ben You're okay _

_ I'm so sorry _

_ I'm here _

To their credit, the staff at the lodging only had the briefest flicker of mental curiosity when they saw you. Another flicker when Ben instructed they treat you with the same respect that they show him.  _ Lady Ren _ , they called you, and you grumbled mentally before you blocked that thought out. 

After eating, you both changed and slipped out to the greenspace undetected. Recognition of the space in accordance to your vision was quickly pushed aside--you wanted to enjoy yourselves.

Ben couldn't help the smile that broke upon his face when you collapsed into the tall grass. You sighed happily, gazing at him.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, (Y/N)."

*~*

He was growing nervous. You had both felt the shift in the air an hour ago, when Ben had first stripped down to his boxers and dove into the cool waters. You had been admiring his physique and the way the water glistened on his muscles in the sunlight. And then a distinct Force signature entered the atmosphere and all ease of mind had vanished.

Ben had returned to your side immediately, throwing on clothes without drying off. And you waited.  _ Waited. . . _

"Is he  _ ever _ going to show his damn face?" Ben growled.

"We know he's here. We know he comes. We just have to be patient," you soothed, running your fingers through his damp hair.

"I know," he sighed. "I just hate waiting."

You wanted to say  _ join the club, _ but knew such a comment wouldn't be received well right now. 

As the system's sun lowered in the sky, the Force quaked around you. Just as he had in your vision, Ben was quick to his feet. Quick to engage his red, crossbeam lightsaber. You looked at the same moment Luke Skywalker came over a crest and into sight. His depiction in your vision had been exact: light clothes, fresh lines around his eyes, and greyed hair on his head and face. 

Ben clenched his jaw and you placed your hand on his forearm.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, unable to alter your question before it left your mouth unbidden.

"I see you found each other."

"No thanks to you!" Ben snapped, and you knew he had meant to change his words, too. "You told her I was  _ dead." _

"What was I supposed to do? You were as  _ good as dead. _ "

"I saw you coming," you said. "I still don't know why. I don't know why you risked coming here after what you did."

_ There. _ There was the guilt.

And Ben was trying to calm  _ you _ .

"I shouldn’t have raised my blade to you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't regretted that action."

"You sent her away. You sent her off on some ridiculous mission because--"

"She would have put herself in danger to save you." Ben slowly slid into a more defensive position. "Isn't that what she's doing now?"

“No, I'm not. The Force has spent the last six years leading me back to him. It wasn't in the way I assumed, but I--" You glanced at Ben. "Master Luke,  _ please _ . Just tell us why you're here."

He took a long while before speaking.

“I felt you open yourself up to the Light, nephew. Felt it  _ again _ , here on Naboo. Your mother felt it, too." Ben shivered beside you. "Why are you still with the First Order?"

Ben reiterated his words from your vision: "You lost the right to know the reasoning behind my actions when you tried to kill me." The old Jedi Master looked at the floral grass. "Now tell us why you're here before I run you through,  _ uncle." _

You shifted on your feet, eager. As a means to ease Luke, Ben deactivated his lightsaber, but it remained in his grip.

Master Luke sighed. It was obvious that he was expecting an argument. A fight, even.

“Come home, Ben.”

Disbelief raged in Ben’s mind--hostile disbelief. He was still the Supreme Leader of the First Order. How  _ dare _ his uncle make such a request? Ben knew that if he turned on the First Order, it would fall in days. And as resentful as he was of his earlier days in the Order, he had still built it into what it was today. What would he do otherwise? Join the  _ Resistance? _ No. They’d have his head. Executed for his crimes against the galaxies.

“My home is (Y/N).”

“And you’re going to keep her locked up on a First Order ship? Ben, that isn’t--”

“They would kill him,” you exclaimed. “Do you  _ really _ think the Resistance would accept Ben into their fold?”

“Leia wouldn’t--”

“Leave her out of this!” Ben snarled. “(Y/N) is right. The Resistance wants my head on a stake, and nothing I could ever say would change that.” He huffed, bitter. “I know you don’t give a damn about me. But they would kill her, too.”

A glimpse of Ben’s woes and worries about you attempting to save him and the Resistance labeling you a traitor trickled across your senses. He wasn’t wrong: you would never stand by and allow someone to harm Ben, not even Master Luke.

Luke pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut for a moment before he looked back at the two of you.

“You can’t stay in the First Order, Ben.”

“I am the Supreme Leader!” he thundered. Anger rippled across the field.

Luke looked at you.

“And you? Are you  _ Lady Ren _ ? How are you abiding the destruction the First Order causes? Let alone the Knights of Ren?”

Your heart lodged in your throat. Because you  _ weren’t _ okay with what the First Order, or the Knights, stood for. Ben knew this. But you couldn’t leave, because Ben was  _ your  _ home, too.

“I’m safe with Ben. I have  _ always _ been safe with Ben, Master Luke!” Your breath shuttered. “I spent the last six years thinking he was dead. I--I won’t leave him again. I know that we always broke the Jedi code on relationships, but on this the Jedi are  _ wrong. _ ”

“I never separated you.”

“Not until it mattered,” you intoned.

“I couldn’t risk it--losing you.”

You bristled, stepping forward. Ben grasped your arm.

“Lose  _ me? _ ” you practically shrieked. “Master Luke, you tried to kill your own nephew!”

_ Told you _ \- Ben’s mental voice was miserable.

"I made a  _ mistake. _ If I could go back. . . I would have tried harder to save you. Ben, I don't need you to forgive me. But you  _ need _ to come home."

_ Why does he want this so desperately _

_ I don't know Ben but we need to find out  _

He huffed. Shifted on his feet.

"The First Order and the Resistance aside, why should I go 'home'?" His use of quotation marks around home was audible. "Why should I leave what I built for--"

"Snoke built the First Order, not you. He  _ used you, _ Ben!" Master Luke exclaimed. "The promise of your bloodline was all he saw, and he manipulated the circumstances. He played on your fears. I-- I couldn't protect you. I failed you, and (Y/N). I failed the galaxy."

"You're right. You  _ did," _ Ben seethed. "That doesn't answer my question."

"Why would you continue doing Snoke's dirty work?"

You couldn't contain your flinch. Luke's words hit Ben like a jump into hyperspace. He growled.

"I killed him.  _ I did. _ For  _ her!" _ Luke stared at you, visibly shocked. "I don't know how he found out about her, but he did, and he wanted me to kill her so I cut him in half!"

You settled your hand against Ben's, squeezing it. You pushed  _ peace _ towards him. You begged your all-knowing friend to let you know what to do. To tell you why Master Luke was here and seemingly desperate for Ben to return to his family.

It was the rumble of ships breaking out of hyperspace that answered your question. A First Order star destroyer that began to spit out hundreds of TIE Fighters. They whined through the Nabooian atmosphere and fired--directly towards the Resistance class X-Wings that were coming in opposite. You slipped your lightsaber out from its slot and met Ben's eyes.

_ Save them _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this can't be good!


	15. Darkness Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader and Ben, along with Luke, deal with the sudden attack.

The sky erupted above the three Force-wielders. Beams of lasers ricocheted off their enemy's, leaving sparks falling on the fields of Naboo. Three lightsabers ignited simultaneously, their wielders prepared to chase off stray shots.

_ Why is the First Order here  _

Ben briefly met your gaze before glaring back at his ships.

_ Hux is aboard that destroyer _

A TIE buzzed overhead, closely followed by an orange and black X-Wing. Shortly after, shots were fired, and the TIE erupted and crashed into the fields, alight with flames. You pulled your attention from the wreckage to watch the excellent pilot out-maneuver several more TIEs.

Ben's energy was everywhere--livid, but seeking answers. Suddenly he turned to Luke, who met his nephew's eyes in question. A slight nod, and Luke made his way to your other side. He glanced at you, then looked to the star destroyer. Brow creased, you cast your eyes upwards and sought out the intentions of those onboard. The hate immediately hit you and you ground your bare feet into the grass, locking your toes against the blades. Those above the First Order ships were nearly screaming obscenities in their minds, cursing the Resistance. You flickered through the minds until you found a slightly familiar one: General Armitage Hux. He was barking orders at his subordinates and--and ordering the TIE fighter pilots to strike the three Rebels with lightsabers.

Ben felt the moment you realized that he had been betrayed. He attempted to ease your woes, but you brushed them aside.  _ Focus. _ You all had to focus or the TIE pilots would succeed in their task. With the ease of motion that would only come from those who had fought together before, you, Ben, and Master Luke moved in the space with your lightsabers at the ready. The distinctive whirling of the TIEs falling into order overhead was met with the humming of lightsaber blades. Each shot in your direction was deterred by a quick swish of red and green.

“We need to find cover!” Ben roared over the endless stream of TIEs and retaliating X-Wings.

“I’ve got something,” replied Luke calmly, and you weren’t sure you liked the sound of that.

Nor, did it seem, did Ben; he turned sharply to stare at his uncle. He had lost his focus, causing you to shout his name and thrust your right hand out. Stopping the beam that had come too close to Ben and, with a deep breath, shoving it back to the TIE fighter it had originated from. It erupted, showering the field in flame-licked machine parts. Disgruntled, Ben swished his blade around at a lightning-fast speed, destroying the progressively quick shots from other TIEs. There was a metallic groan behind you, and you spun to see Luke using the Force to pull two TIE fighters into a collision course they wouldn’t be able to avoid. 

“Master Luke, whatever you have, now might be a good time. The TIEs aren’t relenting!” you exclaimed, blocking two more shots.

“They’re coming.”

_ Who is them _

Ben’s inner voice was thick with anxiety. Just  _ whom _ did Luke mean? Had he planned this? Why were his own people firing on him? What had Hux told them to do this? He, at least, had seen Ben Solo’s face and not just the mask of Kylo Ren. It couldn't be a mistake. Did Hux honestly, truly want to start a war with Ben? One he would  _ lose? _

_ Ben _ \- you soothe.

Another ship burst through the airspace, sending out a slew of more TIE fighters. Your heart pounded in your chest. If Luke’s  _ something _ didn’t turn up soon, you would all be dead. When Ben shuddered, his senses on edge, you grasped his arm.

“Ben? Ben, what’s wrong?”

_ Why is he here _

Your spine tingled as you delved into Ben’s mind, leaving Luke to combat the TIEs. The black and orange X-wing roared overhead again, and then came a sound you had not heard for many, many years. 

The Corellian YT-1300 light freighter had seen better days. There were new scrapes and scorch marks along her sides and underbelly, but the gunner took out four TIE fighters as it dived. The TIE fighters immediately altered course, racing after the  _ Millenium Falcon _ and firing relentlessly. But the X-wings, led by the black and orange, fell into place and surrounded the TIE fighters. 

_ “This way!” _ Luke hollered, racing back for the hillside he had come over.

Ben hesitated, glancing at the star destroyer, before grasping your hand. You squeezed once, nodding, and the pair of you rushed after Master Luke. A couple TIE fighters spun back towards you, only for Ben to shove them off course with a hand gesture. You slid down the hill with him at your back, catching up with Master Luke. You all disengaged your sabers.

Master Luke told you, “They’ll throw down the ramp. We’ll have to jump.”

“Was this your plan?” Ben seethed, only for Luke to look at him with an overwhelming compassion.

_ Overwhelmed. _ That’s what Ben was feeling.

“No, Ben. I never saw the First Order coming.”

So he had seen the Resistance? you wondered to yourself.

“We’ll figure this out, Ben,” you murmured, taking his hand in yours again.

_ I can’t _

_ You can We can Together _

He breathed deeply, nodding at you. Luke laughed softly.

“I’d forgotten you two did that.”

Before either of you could respond, the Corellian YT freighter looped over the hillside and spun around. The ramp was lowered, someone you didn’t know at the controls up top. Master Luke went first, without hesitation. Ben pressed his hand to your back.

"Don't try it," you said firmly. "I'm in your head, remember?"

Ben glanced between you and the ship, pale.

"I. . ."

"I won't leave you, Ben," you swore, putting everything you had into the words. "If you're staying, then so am I."

"Quickly!" Master Luke shouted.

_ Stay with me _

You swore you would, and the two of you sheethed your sabers. With the exact same movements--stride per stride--you and Ben ran and  _ leapt, _ landing gracefully on the ramp of the ship. The TIEs behind you were taken out by an X-Wing before you were even half way up the ramp. The Rebel at the controls, a dark-skinned fellow, shoved the controls and then disappeared back to the gunners' space. 

_ "Are we clear?" _ came a roar in Shyriiwook.

"Get us out of here, Chewie!" Luke responded.

Everything in you pulled you close to Ben's side. To grasp his shaking hand and press your free palm to his forearm. Settling him. From his mind, you knew he was second-guessing being here. You knew he wasn't prepared to see his past again. Luke had been unpleasant to deal with, but. . . those who called this ship home? He was far from ready to face them. The Wookie in the cockpit was family, one you were rather fond of yourself. One you had been prepared to die for in your vision six years ago.  _ And the pilot? _ You remembered him from your youth, the one time Master Luke had allowed Ben’s father to take him away from the Temple, and you along with him. You had felt so at home on that trip, far more than you ever had on Naboo. Ben’s father and ‘uncle’ made you feel welcome. Like you weren’t a burden.

_ But Ben _ . Ben hated seeing his father go. He had grown to hate being at the Temple, except that he could be with you. You had never asked Ben what had happened to his relationship with his parents after Snoke had corrupted him. You had never found the opportunity to. With how he was shaking beside you, you felt it safe to assume that things were not as they once were.

_ He hates me _

You glanced up, meeting Ben’s eyes. He was attempting to school his expression, but he could never hide from you. Everything he was shone through for you. 

_ Ben he could never hate you _

_ I betrayed everything they stand for (Y/N) _

You sighed against him--mentally and physically. You cast your senses out towards the gunners and the cockpit.

_ I feel no hatred - Ben I am here _

He squeezed your hand. Fidgeted with the fingers on his free one. The  _ Falcon _ had jumped into hyperspace while you were conversing, and Master Luke shook his head. He headed towards the cockpit and you heard the undertones of his voice as he spoke to someone. 

Chewbacca roared,  _ “Then I will!” _

There was a squeak of leather, thuds of footsteps, and the great, hairy mass that was a Wookiee emerged into the living space. Ben still shook, his eyes downcast. You attempted to soothe him, but he was fearful. Fearful of retribution. Retaliation.

You pulled your eyes from him and looked at Chewbacca, attempting to gleam something from his expression.  _ Nothing _ \--far too much fur.

“Dammit, Luke! Stop  _ pushing!” _

At the cry, Ben went completely still, his hand growing impossibly tight around yours. Behind Chewbacca stumbled Han Solo, who had aged like fine wine and still wore a dark leather jacket. Though it looked new to you, it had been years since you had seen Ben’s father in person. Rich grey hair fell into his eyes--the eyes that had fallen onto the form of his long-lost son.

“Ben,” he whispered, a slew of emotions rich in his voice.

You glanced at the son, who managed to pull his eyes up enough to meet yours. He was pleading with you: he wanted this to stop.

_He loves you_ _I can see it_

_ What if -- _

_ Life is full of what if’s Ben Take this chance Your father misses you _

Unclenching his hand from around yours, Ben breathed deeply and raised his head.

It was  _ overwhelming. _ You were overwhelmed. The emotions between the two Solo men were thick in the air and they hadn’t spoken more than a single word to each other. A desperate need for forgiveness--from Han? Or was that--no, it was from both of them. They both yearned to be forgiven for the past. Grief. Anxiety.

_ Urge it _

You pushed the sentiment from your all-knowing friend against Ben. Urged him  _ forward _ towards his father with a gentle push of your hands. Ben settled his mind. Knew that nothing would stop what was to come, not now. He trusted that you would have his back if things went wrong.

“Ben,” Han whispered again, taking a hesitant step forward.

Ben managed, “Dad. . .” before Han rushed forward and grabbed hold of him. Shock radiated through the bond before it morphed into disbelief. Your heart swelled: Han was hugging Ben, seemingly as tightly as he could manage, and tears were leaking from his eyes.

“Ben,” he exclaimed again, and this time Ben raised his own arms to embrace his father. 

They lingered that way for a long while before Han leaned back and cupped Ben’s face in his hands.

“Dad, I--”

“I know,” Han murmured. “I know. It’s okay, Ben. You’re okay.”

The Light shined through Ben. He felt--forgiven. 

_ “Ben!” _ churled Chewbacca, yanking Ben out of Han’s arms and lifting him off the ground.

Ben grunted, and tried not to inhale Wookiee fur.

“Uncle--Chewie, can’t--- _ breathe. _ ”

_ “Tough love,” _ chuckled Chewbacca, but he set Ben on the ground again and ruffled his hair. Something you remembered from your first journey on the  _ Millenium Falcon. _

Han was watching his son and best friend, but he looked at you suddenly.

“Still hanging around him, huh?” he said in jest, a twinkle in his eye.

You nodded, smiling softly. Ben turned sharply, not hearing the joke until he saw the ease on your face.

“I got her back,” he told Han.

_ “You’re finally together?” _ asked Chewbacca, and Ben flushed slightly.

“I--”

“There was a minor bump, but yes,” you told him.

With a deep laugh, Chewbacca came and scooped you up as he had Ben, but not as roughly. He set you down.

_ “Do you remember me?” _

You smiled as you told him, “Of course I remember you, Chewbacca. You’re hard to forget.”

“I  _ told you, _ Luke,” laughed Han. “Didn’t I say, when they were kids?”

Ben’s flush deepened and he retreated to your side. You smiled at him, but he was too busy trying not to be embarrassed. It was rather adorable.

_ Ad-I am not adorable _

_ Yes you are _

Han came forward and hugged you.

_ thank _

You blinked past the surprise at Han’s fuzzy mental voice, smiling at him. You gave a slight nod--completing ignoring the curious look on Ben’s face.

“Who else is here?” Ben asked suddenly. “That boy--who is he?”

“His name’s Finn. Good kid. Hangs around with one of your mother’s pilots.” There was a gleam of something  _ more _ , but neither of you asked. “He’s down there with Rey. Picked her up off Jakku a couple weeks ago. Pretty good at figuring out how things work. Appreciates the  _ Falcon _ ." 

At the mention of his mother, Ben became solemn. The others noticed, but you could feel it. You took his hand again.

"She misses you, Ben. We all do," stressed Han.

"I can't go to the Resistance. Just leave us on Devaron, and we'll go from there."

It was an order, not a request; his tone said as much. Han glanced back at Luke, who said nothing, and then to you.

So you explained, "I was on Devaron, for almost six years before the Knights of Ren came to take me to Ben."

_ "Why them?" _ asked Chewbacca fretfully.

Ben answered, "Because I told them to. I am their Master, and--"

"Were," cut in Master Luke, and you all turned to him. "To be specific, Kylo Ren is the Master of the Knights of Ren. Ben Solo is not."

_ Again with the one or the other _ \- he fumed.

You spoke, "We can't treat him as if he is one or the other, Master Luke. I told you the Force led me back. For six years I saw the mask of Kylo Ren in my mind. I knew that if I hid. . . the Force knew it would not end well. So I didn't. I _waited_ on Devaron. And when the Knights came, when I saw Ben again, it was _Ben_ _Solo_ I saw. Yet Kylo Ren was still there, under the surface. He was there when someone tried to kill me. He was there when he dealt with the generals in meetings. But Ben was _always_ there, lingering against my consciousness in the Force. You cannot deal in absolutes."

_ Only a Sith deals in absolutes _ , he had told you once. You wouldn't stand for it. You wouldn't allow Ben to be relegated to--to the enemy.

Master Luke could see your intention in your eyes. He could feel your determination to stand by Ben's side no matter what. That nothing between you and Ben Solo had changed. 

"Not even six years apart broke that bond," he said softly. "If anything, it's stronger now."

Han glanced your way, where you stood firmly by his son's side. You couldn't see it, but understanding filtered into his vision. And Ben nodded at him, once, to tell him it was so.

"I won't leave him again, Master Luke." You shook your head. "I  _ can't." _

Han stated, "You won't have to. Not if I have anything to say about it."

_ "Or me," _ agreed Chewbacca.

"Thank you," you told them earnestly. "But. . . Master Luke, our concerns are the same. If Ben shows up at the Resistance, they'll kill him."

Han stiffened visibly.

"They don't know that--that you're, well. . . Kylo Ren," he said.

"My lightsaber is enough to give me away." 

He ignited it to prove a point--the red crossblades were undeniably a trademark of Kylo Ren.

"I don't know the method behind un-bleeding a kyber crystal," Luke began, "but I will help you, if you want." Ben was still, silent. "Maybe this will help change your mind."

From a small chest beside the holochess table, Master Luke retrieved a silver-hilted lightsaber. He extended it to Ben, who gasped against your mind.

"That. . ." Ben fell silent, his emotions bubbling over. He was  _ excited. _

"My original lightsaber. The saber of Anakin Skywalker." He set it in Ben's newly freed hand. "Keep it, for now."

Ben ran the pad of his thumb across this hilt, his eyes meeting yours. For affirmation. For clairvoyance. You nodded, and the blue blade burst from the lightsaber. The hum was pleasing to your ears.

You felt Kylo Ren disappear further into the depths of Ben's mind. The peace that flooded your mind made you have to blink back tears of joy. 

A clanking of footprints came out of the boughs of the ship, and Chewbacca muttered something about interruptions. The man from before, Finn, was standing in the doorway that led down to the gunnery. He wore a brown, worn leather jacket and cargo pants. Beside him stood a slender, tan girl with freckles. Her hair seemed to be pulled back into multiple buns, from what you could tell. Her attire was made predominantly from light-colored wrappings and leggings that would shield her from the desert sun without overheating her.  _ Rey, _ you remembered. Now they had settled, you could feel some underlying Force abilities in them. Ben spoke in your head.

_ Likely nothing we could build on _

_ No but they are good _

_ Innocent yet corruptible _

His tone at the thought stemmed from concern and not a desire to do anything uncouth.

_ Enough to keep an eye on them Especially with her _

_ We can't take apprentices (Y/N) _

You sighed internally.

_ I know _

"Hi," said Rey, curiosity in her tone. 

The look on Master Luke's face told you what it had many times in the past: you and Ben had been lost in each other's heads long enough that others had noticed. 

"Hello," you greeted. "I'm (Y/N), and this is Ben."

The pair opposite you tilted their heads in acknowledgment.

"I'm Rey," said the girl.

"Finn."

"Are you  _ really  _ Han and Leia's son?" Rey asked.

Han chuckled, "What? Did you think I was lying?"

She shook her head, a bit sheepish. 

"No, that. . . It's just that there were rumors at the base that you were, um. . ."

"Dead," Finn supplied, and Rey shoved him.

Hurriedly you glanced at Ben's face, which so often showed everything he was feeling. His brow was creased.

"Not. . . dead. Just lost," he finally admitted.

This seemed to be a logical answer for Rey and Finn, as they both nodded. 

"It's good to meet both of you," said Rey.  _ "Jedis. _ I can't believe it."

  
  


Han and Chewbacca brought the  _ Millenium Falcon  _ out of hyperspace. You and Ben were situated at the holochess table, Master Luke in the cockpit, and the two youth back in the gunnery. You prayed they weren't needed there. That the Resistance base wasn't under attack. That neither the  _ Falcon _ nor any of the X-Wings had been followed.

"We're good!" Han called, as if he could tell you had the worry. "No, Chewie. Set her down where we normally do. She's waiting."

Ben ran his fingers over your hand, as if massaging  _ you _ would relieve his anxieties.

"It does, though," he whispered. 

You pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Everything is going to be all right. I would have been told otherwise."

He nodded, taking a shaky breath. Rey and Finn had come back up. She had waved before bounding after an anxious-feeling Finn to the ramp. You remembered Han saying that Finn was close with one of Leia's pilots; had they been one of those above Naboo?

Ben lost his breath the second the  _ Falcon _ landed, his eyes wide and his grip on you tight. Concerned, you taped against his mind with your own.  _ And you realized. _ Leia Organa was just outside the ship. And she had felt her son come home.

Yet he didn't move. Not when Master Luke came out of the cockpit, paused, and departed. Not when Chewbacca left at Han's urging. Han sat opposite Ben.

"Hey, kid. It. . . I know we messed up, sending you away. I wish I could change how things happened."

"I wouldn't have (Y/N) if you hadn't."

Han smiled sadly.

"Yeah. Yeah. . . But. . ."

"I know," Ben murmured, meeting his father's eyes.

Han nodded and got back to his feet.

"At least introduce (Y/N) to your mother, Ben. She drove me crazy when I got back after that one trip. . . Nearly climbed into my head to know  _ everything." _

It was your turn to flush. You had always admired Leia Organa, but the fact that you were tied to her only child never truly occured to you. What if she hated you?

_ She couldn't hate you  _

_ But I couldn't save you _

Ben pressed a kiss to your temple.

_ Of course you did I'm only alive for you I only came back to the Light because of you  _

_ Ben - _

_ Together _

You met his eyes.

_ Always _

Han was waiting around the corner, near the ramp. Ben and you met up with him, hands held. He summoned every last bit of courage that he could and then, together, the two of you followed Han off of the  _ Falcon. _

Han, Luke, and Chewbacca were standing off to the side, allowing only one figure to stand center. Ben's mother had her grey hair braided back in a sort of crown, and she wore a smart outfit of royal purple. You remembered that Leia Organa  _ was _ royalty the same moment you felt her Force signature wafting off of her. Similar to Ben's in its undertones, yet brilliant and free.

Ben's hand squeezed yours to settle himself as he met his mother's gaze. She smiled at him as only a mother could and wrapped her arms around him.

"Oh, Ben. Welcome home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!!!  
> HAN. LEIA. CHEWIE. Rey! Finn! And a certain X-Wing pilot. . . 😉 The gang's all here!
> 
> What now? How does Ben handle the First Order's betrayal? What about the Knights? 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you're still reading!


	16. And Light to Meet It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reader and Ben spend some time alone on the Millenium Falcon

Ben and his mother hugged each other for a very long while. Lost as they were in each other's presences, Ben was still on the edge of your mind. When they parted, Ben quickly grasped your hand and pulled you forward. 

"Mom, this is (Y/N)."

Leia regarded you warmly, and you sensed that she was sending out mental feelers. When she hugged you, you might have been more startled than Ben was.

"Thank you for bringing him home, (Y/N)," she said, pressing her palm to your cheek.

"He did most of the work," you told her truthfully. 

_ But I couldn't have done it without you _

You glanced at him.

_ Of course you could have  _

Leia began speaking, "Ben, I won't ask you to help the Resistance. I  _ want _ you to, but I won’t push you."

He made a face that was nearly a grimace. You knew he wasn't sure what to say, so you spoke for him.

"We aren't sure of the extent of the mutiny," you told her. "But it is something that needs to be dealt with."

She nodded wisely.

"Luke had messaged there had been a mutiny. I'm relieved you both are okay." She turned to Han, Luke, and Chewbacca. "I have to inform the Generals. We'll need a plan."

"I will join you," Master Luke said, and he went to stand by his sister.

_ "I'll stay with Ben and (Y/N)," _ declared Chewbacca. He appeared to stand straighter--taller, even. 

Ben was amused; his uncle wanted to protect the two of you.

Leia took Ben's hand.

"I won't be long. Maybe. . . Maybe we can all have supper together?"

The hope in her shined brightly, and so Ben nodded. This made Leia even happier, and she left with Luke through a thick spot of trees.

"Now what?" Ben asked quietly. "We. . . Are we just going to hide here forever?"

"Feel free to look around," Han said. "But you might want to change, first. Just. . ." He rubbed his ear. "The black kinda stands out. I don't want anyone to get any ideas."

Ben huffed. 

"All of our belongings were left on Naboo, and on the  _ Finalizer. _ What we have is on our backs."

"I'm sure we can find something," Han said. "Going back to Naboo just isn't a possibility right now."

You nodded in agreement. 

"What will--"

A distinct, astromech beeping sounded from where Master Luke and Leia had gone. The three of you turned, and the blue and white R2 unit came speeding out of the greenspace.

_ "Artoo!" _ you cried, rushing forward to meet him. 

He stopped on a dime and you stooped down to his level. The droid chattered away at you, saying how much he missed you. Where had you been? Were you all right and-- _ why were you with him?? _

"Hush, Artoo. Ben is okay."

R2-D2 related that his memory was perfectly intact. He remembered the night the Temple fell. A shiver ran down your spine, one originating from Ben.

"It wasn't his fault," you whispered to the droid. "Snoke manipulated him."

_ (Y/N) _

_ It is the truth and you know it _

He huffed behind you and you heard Chewbacca tell Artoo to behave himself. In response, Artoo cursed colorfully. 

_ "Artoo!  _ He is not a threat to anyone here, all right? And if he goes, I go."

Artoo fell silent and glanced behind you to Ben. 

_ 'Fine he can stay,' _ the droid beeped.

Then he rolled back the way he had come and you got back to your feet.

_ Leave it to the droid to have their head straight _

You spun around and crossed your arms at Ben's tone.

_ Why the self hatred Ben _

_ I don't trust this place The people _

_ Are your family _

He huffed, mentally.

_ My parents and Uncle Luke are Uncle Chewie and you But the rest of the Resistance isn't They are anarchists _

_ BEN _

He visibly flinched at how loud your mental tone had become.

_ You were going to leave the First Order after the incident with Pryde  _

_ Incident - _ he seethed. 

_ Please Ben tell me why you are holding onto them _

His dark eyes bored into yours, and you could feel him attempting to settle on one emotion. 

_ The First Order is all I have known for all these years _

You took his face between your hands.

_ They don't deserve you They never did  _

_ (Y/N) _

_ Stay here with me for one week and if you still want to leave then we will go _

He stared at you. His internal conflict raged wildly as he attempted to find a logical reason to deny your request. But he couldn’t, and so he nodded.

“What was that about?” Han asked, and you both glanced at him.

“A moral debate,” said Ben blandly, and Han raised his eyebrows.

“All right, then. Well, Chewie and I are gonna go into base. Are--”

“We’ll stay here.”

Han nodded at your statement.

"Don't steal the  _ Falcon, _ " he told you both in jest. "Ben, your- uh- your room's the same one. We can get one together for (Y/N) later."

"She'll stay with me."

Chewbacca glanced at Han, amused, and wandered off. Han blinked steadily for about half a minute before nodding again, saying he would see you both later, and heading off after Chewbacca. Ben practically rolled his eyes.

"Shall we?" he asked, extending his hand to you.

"We shall."

Together, you headed back into the ship. You allowed Ben to lead, not sure where he desired to be. Memories of your last time on the  _ Millenium Falcon  _ flickered against your mind and you realized he was leading you to his quarters. Ben noticed that you had, and you glanced back at you rather mischievously.

"Ben--"

Turning about quickly, Ben pulled you flush against him. His lips slanted against yours, drawing your bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. Just long enough to draw a gasp from you, so that his tongue could brush against yours. Reaching up, you threaded your fingers through his hair, which remained slightly damp from his swim on Naboo. He groaned. The feeling rolled in his chest; desperate yearning for you  _ immediately.  _

_ They'll - _

_ They won't _

His unshakeable belief that the other Force-sensitives on this planet (namely, his mother and uncle) wouldn't feel you two broke the small resolve you had. And Ben felt it. His hand slipped to your lower back and pulled you flush against him, molding your bodies together. You stumbled the final few steps back, parting to open the blast door into what you both knew was Ben's room. A few trinkets laid on the chest of drawers opposite the bed pushed into the corner. The bed Ben was ushering you towards.

A giggle escaped you.

"Impatient?"

_ "Yes," _ he growled, kissing you again.

You smiled against his lips, pulling him forward by his shoulders. He yanked his top off, your top layers following his to litter the floor. You crowded onto the bed together, your mutual yearning roaring like a fire. 

Ben kissed every inch of you that he could, focusing on your most sensitive areas and bringing you to the brink. You groaned when he pulled away, only for a groan of a different sort to leave you both as he entered you. You and Ben came together and fell apart, your bodies and minds in perfect harmony.

Later, as you rested reclined in the bed (clothed, again, in case someone managed to sneak aboard the  _ Falcon) _ , Ben sighed.

"What is it?" you murmured.

"I'm just thinking."

"I know." You slid up to meet his gaze. "About what?"

"You, and--my parents. Uncle Luke. The Knights of Ren and the Resistance and the First Order. . . I always thought the Order was where the Force was pushing me to be. Almost losing you to Pryde, and opening myself back up to the Light--and now being  _ here? _ I don't understand any of it."

You took a moment to contemplate. 

"Maybe. . . Maybe the Force took you into the First Order so that you would know its secrets. And I  _ know _ their viewpoint--the order. And you know I never agreed with the way they seek it."

"Yet you still never joined the Resistance."

"You know why I didn't." Ben nodded. "But we are both here now. You with your unmatched knowledge into the Order. . . We could--"

"Tear it down and rebuild the Galaxy."

The thought had not been foreign to you, but hearing it fall from Ben's lips shocked you.

"I've felt the thought in your mind lately," he said softly. "I may have thought it myself."

Sitting straight, you spoke, "Then what are we waiting for?  _ Ben, _ let's fix this. You and me. We can do this in a way that is  _ right." _

Resolve fell heavily between you, and Ben nodded.

"We have work to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to call it quits on this story. I haven't received any kudos or comments in weeks and I just...needed more encouragement.


End file.
